


And I still haven't heard from you

by Winter_Oswin



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Dissociation, Drugged Sex, Hurt Spencer Reid, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Oblivious Spencer Reid, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Derek, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Sad Spencer Reid, Slow Burn, Spencer Reid Whump, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Torture, Worried Derek Morgan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 46,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24775693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winter_Oswin/pseuds/Winter_Oswin
Summary: On September 7th 2006 Spencer Reid was kidnapped by Tobias Hankel and never seen again.On October 10th 2007 at around 2 am a man entered the ER.The man reportedly only spoke three words before sinking to his knees and passing out."Please help me."
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & Original Female Character(s), Spencer Reid & The BAU Team, Spencer Reid/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 142
Kudos: 664





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I think I should start by explaining that I just started watching Criminal Minds a week ago so I'm not up to date. I'm currently in season 3 so please don't spoiler me in the comments. 
> 
> As any media I consume these days I found myself enjoying it but thinking "Could be gayer." So here we are. 
> 
> Also, I should warn you that this story will be very dark. I will add individual warnings in front of chapters but mind the tags, please.

On September 7th 2006 Spencer Reid was kidnapped by Tobias Hankel and never seen again. 

The BAU spend months looking for their youngest member. They left no stone unturned, followed every trail they could find. It didn't get them anywhere in the end. A week passed, then a month, three months, half a year, a whole year and suddenly it's the 9th October, the day Reid was supposed to turn 26.

Morgan's eyes rested on the desk where Spencer used to sit. They hadn't moved the desk, hadn't assigned it to anyone else. It was the same with his apartment. They all chipped in to keep the rent paid, to keep Spencer's place the same for when he came back. If... he came back.

They weren't stupid, they knew that the chances of finding him alive at this point were slim to none. Tobias Hankel had been murderous and unstable from the beginning. They had seen him kill Reid on camera only to bring him back just in time. That was pure luck. How high where the chances that Reid would survive another close call? He'd probably know the exact numbers. Whatever they were, they couldn't be good. 

Still, even though everything pointed towards the unimaginable, even thought they should really be looking for a body instead of their friend, they couldn't. Morgan couldn't think of Reid as dead, his heart might not be able to take it. 

They had to keep on working anyways. The world didn't stop spinning, not with or without their boy wonder. 

So, after weeks of searching for their lost agent the team went back to work, or at least most of them did. 

JJ was the first to resign, plagued by guilt about splitting up with Spencer, leaving him by himself which resulted in his abduction.

Gideon was next. He didn't really resign. Instead he simply vanished, leaving nothing but his badge, weapon and a letter explaining his disappearance. 

The rest of them stayed with the BAU, hoping to use the recourses it offered to keep their search going on their own time but the more time passed the more discouraged they got. 

He could see it in all their faces, see how with each day, week, month, their hopes of ever finding him diminished. They didn't have a promising lead in months. Tobias Hankel had disappeared into thin air and he took Reid with him.

Morgan tore his eyes off of Reid's desk and packed up his things with a sigh. He wouldn't get any work done today anyways. 

Instead he decided to grab dinner and stop by JJ's. He knew that today had to be especially hard on her. It was on him. Spending Spencer's 25th birthday without him had been rough but back then his disappearance had been fresh, they were driven, determined. Now, an entire year later, this day was just depressing. 

Morgan suddenly realised that things would always be like this now. That every year that passed, every year that Reid spend missing, gone like a milk carton kid, Morgan would wonder what had happened to him. If he was still out there, if he was long gone, if he still suffered or if his death had been quick. 

He hated it, hated that this was all that was left for him now.   
What if's. No clarity or certainty.

He knocked on JJ's appartment door and the younger woman opened it before letting out a heavy sigh. 

"What are you doing here Morgan?", She asked. She looked like hell, like she hadn't slept and cried all night instead. Her eyes were red an puffy, rimmed with dark shadows. Her hair stuck up in all directions. Normally she kept up appearances but not today. Morgan couldn't fault her for that. She looked about as great as he felt. 

"Bringing a friend dinner.", He replied before dangling the bag of Indian takeout in front of her face. 

"I can see that. I mean why.", She replied pointedly, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"You know why. I don't think either of us should be alone today.", Morgan admitted and JJ's gaze dropped to the floor. Slowly, she stepped away, letting Morgan in. As expected he found a nest of blankets and tissues on her living room couch. He dropped the bag with the food on the coffee table and went to the kitchen to get plates and cutlery. On the way back he grabbed two bottles of beer and placed one of them in front of JJ before letting himself fall into one of her armchairs. 

They were silent for a while after that. Neither knew what to talk about. Without work there wasn't a whole lot that connected them. And especially on a day like this one they both just wanted to talk about one thing but neither wanted to make the first step. So they ate their food in silence until JJ put her fork down. Then the dam broke.

"It's my fault.", She whispered and Morgan wasn't surprised by her guilt. They all felt it to an extent, that didn't mean that it was right.

"JJ-", he started with a sigh, putting his plate down, but JJ didn't let him finish.

"Don't baby me, I know that it's my fault.", She snapped, turning angry eyes on Morgan. He knew that the anger wasn't ment for him. JJ was only angry at herself. " If I hadn't agreed to split up, if I hadn't taken so long with the dogs, if-", she started to argue but now Morgan cut her off.

"Stop it!", He ordered. He had heard her arguments dozens of times, thought of them himself even more. They were pointless.

"Why are you here, Morgan? Why aren't you blaming me?! You used to.", JJ asked. The anger faded, all that was left was the truth. Exhaustion and sorrow. JJ suddenly looked decades older, aged by her pain.

Morgan knew what she was referring to. When Reid first disappeared he said something along the lines of ' One of you isn't here and the other one is.' Which, in retrospect wasn't fair at all. But just because Morgan could see that now, didn't mean that JJ didn't take it to heart.

"That- that was in the heat of the moment. I now know that you're not to blame. And Reid wouldn't blame you either.", He tried to explain but she didn't seem convinced. "Chances are that if you had stayed together you might've both been taken and that would hardly help anyone.", He then added. 

JJ diverted her eyes, she was out of arguments but Morgan knew that she still blamed herself. 

They lapsed back into silence, returned their attention to their food. Or at least Morgan did. It took him a while to realize that JJ wasn't eating. She was just staring at her half eaten meal.

"Did you know that Indian food was his favourite?", She then asked, her voice quiet and broken. Morgan wished that he hadn't noticed her say 'was' instead of 'is'. He didn't like how thinking about it made his chest grow tight. 

"No, I didn't.",he replied quietly. 

He could hear her gasp for air. He knew that she'd start crying seconds before the first sob escaped her. After that there was no stopping it. JJ's entire body trembled as endless tears ran down her face. 

"Come here...", Morgan whispered, his own voice choked up. He got up and sat down next to her, pulling her against his chest and wrapping his arms around her in a tight embrace.

"This- isn't- fair-", she gasped in between sobs and Morgan felt her pain.

"I know. Nobody deserves this, least of all Reid.", He whispered, his own voice so faint that he could barely hear himself. 

"How is life supposed to go on? How are we supposed to go on?!", JJ asked, her voice edging on hysteric. Morgan wished he knew the answer but the truth was, he asked himself the same thing multiple times every goddamn day. He hadn't found a sufficient answer yet.

"I don't know... I just know that we have to do it somehow. He'd want that.", He replied and he believed that to be true. It didn't make him feel any better, but he still believed in it. Reid wouldn't want them to give up so Morgan wouldn't. And he wouldn't let JJ give up either.

~

On October 10th 2007 at around 2 am a man entered the ER. 

Witnesses would later describe the man as looking 'cadaverous' and 'horrifying'. Tall, meager, dressed in nothing at all and covered in blood and god knows what else. He carried a bloody knife but it slipped out of his hand before anyone could feel threatened by it. 

Nurse Diaz, who was on duty that night, had never seen anything like it. In her 15 years in the medical field she had never seen a living breathing human in such an awful state.

The man reportedly only spoke three words before sinking to his knees and passing out. Those three words still haunt Diaz to this day. He stared at her, his big eyes, desperate and empty at ones and he begged for help.

"Please help me." 

Then he collapsed. 


	2. I know what I look like to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god! The response to my first chapter has been amazing! Thank you so much! Here's the first propper chapter. It does contain mentions of rape but it's not described in any graphic detail.

"Hallo?", Morgan answered once his phone rang. It was his private one but he was on his break right now so he figured that it would be fine.

"Is this Derek Morgan?", an unfamiliar female voice asked.

"You're speaking to him."

"This is the UPMC Mercy Hospital in Pittsburgh. We've got you listed as Spencer Reid's emergency contact?"

Morgan's heart skipped a beat, his mouth became dry and all his thoughts came to a stuttering halt.

"Yes?", he replied, his voice faint. He might've been shaking, or maybe he froze. He couldn't really tell what was happening to him. His thoughts turned in circles. _Reid, Reid, Reid, Reid-_

"We've found a John Doe whose prints match up with Mr Reid's and we need you to identify him.", the woman replied and now Morgan was properly shaking. _John Doe. Identify. They found a body. A body that matched Reid's. A body. No, no, no, no- It couldn't be. Reid couldn't be dead, he wasn't allowed to be- he wasn't-_

"You need me to identify a body?", He heard a voice ask. It took him a moment to realize that it was his own. He sounded foreign, robotic.

"Oh god no! He's alive, I'm sorry if that wasn't clear.", The woman quickly explained, Morgan might combust spontaneously.

"Are you kidding?", He asked, his voice shaking, his heart racing in his chest. He had to make sure that he didn't misunderstand her, he couldn't believe it, not yet. If it turned out to be false he wouldn't be able to take it.

"I'm not. He's here.", The woman clarified and Morgan didn't know how to act. It didn't seem real, after over a year of waiting it didn't feel possible.

"We're on our way.", He promised before hanging up. Pittsburgh. They had to go to Pittsburgh. Reid was in Pittsburgh. _Alive_.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, sugar.", Penelope remarked. Morgan hadn't even noticed her enter the kitchen.

Morgan didn't know what to say. He only stared at the phone in his hand. A distant part of his mind suggested that he was in shock.

"Who was that?", Penelope asked, a worried tone to her voice.

"A hospital. It's Spencer.", Morgan replied, looking up at her. "He's alive."

~

"We're here for Spencer Reid.", Morgan stated at the registry in the hospital. They had taken their jet immediately and not even two hours later they were in Pittsburgh. Every fibre of Morgan's being was vibrating with anxiety. Reid was here, alive, he would see him, soon.

"Diaz? They're here for the kid.", the nurse who they spoke to called and an older woman approached them. She was probably mid 40s, of latin descend, short and stocky with a kind smile.

"Mr Morgan?", she asked, offering her hand which Morgan shook.

"Yes, and this is Aaron Hotchner. Did I speak to you on the phone?", Morgan asked. Hotch and him had taken the jet while the rest of their team followed in cars. They'd probably arrive in a couple of hours.

"Yes, I'm responsible for his care.", Diaz nodded as she led them down the hallway.

"How is he?", Hotch asked.

"Can we see him? How did you find him?",Morgan added.

"We didn't find him. He came to the ER himself 4 days ago.", Diaz replied matter of factly and Morgan's eyebrows shot up.

"4 days? Why did you only call us now?", Hotch asked exactly what Morgan thought.

"That's how long it took to identify him. You should know that Mr Reid is suffering from amnesia. ", the nurse explained patiently and Morgan's stomach dropped.

"Amnesia?", He mumbled under his breath.

"He claims that he doesn't remember his name, how he got to the ER, anything really. We scanned him for head injuries but his memory issues seem to be psychosomatic. We're hoping that some familiar faces will trigger his memories.", Diaz elaborated. Morgan couldn't process her words. Reid didn't forget. He had an eidetic memory. Morgan didn't want to imagine what his friend went through that could've caused his mind to shut down like that. Dread settled in Morgan. He felt like the amnesia was only the tip of the iceberg.

"What else? How- how is he doing?", He asked, his voice faint.

"How much time have you got?", Diaz asked sarcastically before pulling a thick file out of a shelf nearby.

"Just tell us already.", Hotch ordered as the woman flipped the file open.

"When Mr Reid arrived-", she started.

"Doctor.", Morgan corrected her.

"What?", She asked, glancing up at him.

"It's Dr Reid.", He explained and Diaz gave him another nod.

"When Dr Reid arrived he was suffering from the beginning stages of hypothermia. He's severely malnourished. How long was he missing for? ", She asked.

"13 months.", Hotch replied when Morgan didn't. Morgan's head was already swimming in horror. _Hypothermia, malnourished_ , what else?

"Seems about right. We did a general exam and there is a lot of evidence of prolonged physical abuse.", Diaz agreed.

She then began rattling off all the physical injuries and issues they found. Several bones broke at some point and regrew together wrongly, they found thick scar tissue on the soles of his feet and countless other scars from cuts and burns all over his body, there were fresh wounds on his back and thighs, indicating a whipping with a belt and two of his ribs were cracked.

The list went on and on and at some point it all just blended together into one awful mix of horror. Diaz showed them an X-ray of Reid's body and pointed out all the old breaks and the new ones.

At this point there was no point in trying to make sense of his feelings. Rage, horror, devastation and guilt couldn't consume Morgan, not now, he had to stay focused. Surely it couldn't get any worse, _right_?

"It's a wonder that he's still alive. He has a long recovery period ahead of him.", Diaz commented.

"But he'll be okay, right?", Hotch asked and Morgan's heart seized. How was he ever supposed to be okay again?

Diaz sighed at the question, which wasn't a great way to start the topic of. "Physically, yes. Mentally... It's hard to tell. Aside from the amnesia he seems mostly stable. He didn't react well to physical contact but he's mostly cooperative, he communicates, he even told us that he prefers non-narcotic pain medication. He's calm, lucid..."

The whole time she spoke Morgan waited for the next blow to hit. When it didn't come he said: "I'm sensing a 'but'."

Diaz gave him an apologetic look. "So far Dr Reid hasn't been able to tell us what he went through but there is evidence for severe sexual abuse.", She then explained, her tone gentle and careful. It didn't lessen Morgan's horror.

'He was raped?", Hotch asked, his voice cracked, that was rare.

"He consented to doing a rape kit which turned out positive. Yes.", The nurse nodded.

Morgan could hear his own heart pounding in his ears. This couldn't be real, it couldn't be happening, not to Reid.

"Oh god.", he gasped, horrified. Diaz continued speaking but Morgan was barely listening to her anymore. His mind was racing in circles. How the fuck were they supposed to fix this?!

"He seems to be in a state of shock right now. Or he might be dissociating. He's simply too calm. It's hard to tell but any psychological damage is unclear for now.", Diaz went on.

"Can we please see him now?", Morgan pleaded. He had heard enough, he needed to see his friend, needed to check on him. 

"Only one at a time please. We don't want to overwhelm him.", Diaz explained and Morgan looked to Hotch. He didn't even have to ask.

"You go first. ", Hotch nodded and Morgan gave him a quick grateful smile. 

"He should be eating dinner right now.", Diaz explained as she led him up to one of the closed doors along the hallway. "Be careful with him, he's... fragile. Don't push him past his limits. ", She advised and Morgan promised to be gentle with him. Then he opened the door and stepped inside.

Spencer didn't look up when Morgan stepped into his hospital room, he didn't react when the door fell shut. As promised he was sitting in his bed, a small tablet on his lap with a bowl of chicken broth and some bread on it.

Morgan hadn't even admitted it to himself but a part of him hadn't thought that he'd ever see Spencer again. The relief of seeing him alive mixed with the horror of the state his friend was in and left Morgan nauseous.

Spencer had always been skinny but he was nothing but skin and bones now. Everything about him was sharp, violent, _brutalized_. The hollows of his checks, his collarbones peaking through his hospital gown, the black bruises around his eyes. His thin arms were covered in bandages, his hair was longer, unkempt and filthy, his skin was deadly pale.

He looked like he shouldn't be alive. Diaz said that it was a miracle pthat he wasn't dead, Morgan could see what she ment.

"Hey, you.", Morgan said quietly. He wasn't sure how long he'd just been standing there but Spencer didn't pay him any attention. He just continued to slowly eat his soup. His hands were shaking but his expression was calm, relaxed, _empty_.

"That was quick. ", Reid then said. His voice was quiet, raw, it had a rasp that wasn't there before. Probably from screaming. Morgan didn't want to think about Spencer screaming but now the image was in his head.

He wasn't sure if Reid had spoken to him. He still didn't look up at Morgan or acknowledge him in any other way.

Morgan took a careful step forward. "How are you doing, kid?", He asked and to his surprise Reid smirked. He didn't look up though, didn't say anything and after a second his expression was blank again.

"I know you might not remember me, but-", Morgan started but Reid cut him off.

"I do remember you. _Derek Morgan_." He said the name slowly, like he was testing how it felt in his mouth. But he still wouldn't look at Morgan.

"What?", Morgan breathed out. He knew him?

"I have an eidetic memory. Forgetting isn't in my nature. I thought you knew that.", Reid said simply. He had put his spoon down and was inspecting the needle in his wrist instead, like he only noticed it now.

"You- you know who I am? You know who you are? The nurse said that you couldn't remember anything.", Derek stammered as Reid started to fiddle with the tubes of his IV.

For a while he didn't say anything, then he shrugged. "I lied.", He admitted and Morgan's eyebrows pulled down into a frown.

"Why?",he asked but Reid didn't reply. He showed no trace of emotion on his face. He just shrugged again.

For a moment Morgan was speechless. Something about Reid like this, withdrawn, detached, empty, it was _haunting_. 

"I can't believe that you're really here- I mean- we thought-"

"That I was dead. ", Reid finished, it wasn't a question. It was matter of fact, like he already knew the answer. He didn't sound hurt or even bothered. He sounded like he didn't care at all.

"No.", Morgan stated. They had doubted, they had feared for the worst but they had never given up on him.

"It's okay. It would have been dumb to assume anything else.", Reid said, sounding completely unbothered. "1 year, 1 month and seven days. Most abduction victims don't make it past the first 72 hours. "

It hurt, hearing him speak like this hurt. Because on the one side he just sounded like _Reid_ , like he was still the same guy Morgan knew for years. But his empty tone, his detached expression,they made it foreign and wrong.

"We didn't- we never stopped searching.", Morgan said, his eyes focused on Reid. The other man used to have some issues maintaining eye contact but not like this. This seemed deliberate. He made a point to not look at Morgan.

Reid frowned, only for a second and only slightly. As if he encountered a minor inconvenience. Then it was gone again and he returned his attention to his soup.

"How long do you think until I can drink coffee again?", He asked and Morgan knew that he was changing the topic on purpose but he had no idea why. He used to be able to read Reid, he used to know what bothered him. But now he looked at him and it was like emptiness looked right back at him. It was heartbreaking.

" I mean, I get it, it wouldn't be wise to drink it on a starving stomach. Did you know that caffeine is poisonous to most species. Even humans if it's ingested in large doses. But still. I haven't had any in over a year. ", Reid went on but his heart wasn't in it.

"Reid... ",Morgan sighed. He didn't want to sound defeated but he felt it. Reid might remember him, he might remember who he used to be, but he was a ghost and it broke Morgan's heart. "What happened to you?", He asked and he didn't expect an answer, he wasn't sure if he could even handle the truth.

Reid frowned again and this time it lingered. He bit his lip and Morgan could see his hands clench into fists in his lap. The next time he spoke it was quiet, almost choked up. It was the most emotion he had shown in the last 20 minutes. "I'm sorry...", he whispered, staring at nothing.

"What?", Morgan asked, confused, but before he could figure out what just happened Reid had already pressed the button that called a nurse to his room.

The nurse that came in a few seconds later wasn't Diaz, she didn't look as nice. For the first time Reid looked up, his eyes focusing on the nurse. It was the first good look Morgan got at them and he wasn't sure if he could ever shake the image. They were hollow. "I- I can't-", he stammered quietly and he seemed agitated and stressed. With a shock Morgan realized that he was causing this.

"Spencer, please-", Morgan pleaded. He had no idea what was happening, just that it was wrong. And Spencer still wouldn't look at him! Instead he hunched in on himself, shoulders drawn up to his ears. He shook his head before hiding his face in his hands.

"I'll have to ask you to leave now.", The nurse ordered and started to physically push Morgan outside. He could've easily overpower her but he didn't see how that would help the situation. Still, he wouldn't just give up like this.

"Spencer? Look at me.", He begged. " _Please_."

Spencer froze for a moment, as if he was contemplating his options. He didn't remove his hands when he spoke, he started to shake, then, so quietly that Morgan almost missed it:" Please leave me alone."

Morgan gave up, he let the nurse push him out of the room. He made his way back to Hotch without making a fuss. Reid didn't want him there and he wouldn't force himself on Reid, he couldn't do that to him. It still hurt though, Morgan's heart ached.

"How is he?", Hotch asked. Morgan felt numb, his mouth felt like it was filled with cotton.

"I- don't know... He remembers who he is, who we are-", he stammered.

A deep frown etched itself onto Hotch's face. "That makes things more complicated. ", He mumbled and Morgan glanced up at him.

"Why? "

"Because that means Reid lied to the police. And they're already investigating him."


	3. I can tell I've rotted in your brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on fire! Thank you for all your comments, they motivate me a lot! 
> 
> Also, in this chapter there is a very minor mention of self harm but it isn't in the traditional sense.

"Investigating him? How does that make any sense?", Morgan asked, immediately angry. As if Reid could be anything but the victim in this situation.

"Dr Reid was carrying a knife when he arrived at the ER. The blood on the knife wasn't his own.", Nurse Diaz explained and Morgan's eyebrows shot up.

His mind ran through the possible explanations. Maybe Reid managed to free himself from Hankel, assuming that Hankel kept him all this time, and had wounded him in the process. Maybe he had even killed him. Or maybe there were more victims besides Reid and it was another victim's blood.

"So what? He's the obvious victim in all this.", Morgan argued. He couldn't imagine Reid doing anything malicious.

"To us that is obvious but local law enforcement still has to investigate what happened.", Hotch said and Morgan knew that he was right. That didn't mean that he had to like it.

"I'd like to know what happened here, too. Can you get us in on the investigation?", He then asked. It could get complicated because of conflict of interest but it was worth a shot.

"I'll see what I can do. Call the rest of the team, I booked us a hotel nearby. Tell them that we'll meet them there. ", Hotch agreed, already reaching for his own phone.

"Would it be possible for me to speak to Reid?", Hotch then asked Diaz but the nurse shook her head.

"I'm afraid you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Visiting hours are long over, letting Mr Morgan in was already an exception and the visit seems to have-", she glanced at Morgan. He could see that she was trying to phrase her next words nicely. "-upset Mr Reid. He should rest now." Putting it nicely didn't make Morgan feel any better. 

Hotch glared at Reid's hospital door for a moment longer before tearing his eyes away and focusing on Morgan again.

"Fine. Come on.", The older man sighed and Morgan let Hotch guide him out of the hospital. There wasn't much that he could do for now, he'd come back tomorrow and try again.

~

The next morning Morgan and Hotch returned to the hospital as promised. Hotch had spend the last 10 hours arguing with both the FBI and the Pittsburgh police department to get their team on this case. Finally, at around 6 am this morning they got the go ahead.

Hotch send Prentiss to the police department so that she could figure out what they already knew. Garcia worked through the case file and Hotch and Morgan would question Reid again in the hopes that he'd give them something that could prove his innocence.

"He doesn't want to see you.", Diaz announced as soon as she saw them. Morgan wouldn't lie, hearing that stung.

"Too bad that we're investigating his case now.", Hotch returned before flashing his FBI badge and making his way straight to Reid's room. Diaz looked pissed but there wasn't really anything she could do about it. 

When they entered Reid's room he sat in the same place he had yesterday. He had his head leaned back against the pillows and lifted it when they entered. Somehow he looked even worse in the daylight. Morgan only now noticed the two scars on his face. They were both thin and fully healed, indicating that they were older. One was horizontal and slashed through his left eyebrow all the way to his lefttleft The other was vertical and cut straight through the horizontal one and went all the way down to Reid's cheekbone. Hankel had carved a cross into the right side of Reid's face. Morgan felt sick 

"Hello, Reid.", Hotch greeted him, his tone a lot gentler than it usually was. "It's good to see you."

Reid's expression was empty, just as it had been the other day. He quickly lowered his eyes.  
"Is it?", He then asked, a sarcastic edge to his tone.

"Of course. We were very worried.", Hotch explained and this time Reid smirked. There was something very upsetting about this smirk. It seemed bitter which didn't fit with Reid at all. At least not the way he used to be.

"Diaz said she wouldn't allow people to visit me anymore. Why are you here?", Reid then asked.

"We're investigating your case. We're not visitors.", Morgan explained, making an effort to maintain a calm tone. It was hard.

Another smirk and this time Reid smiled, or at least Morgan thought that that's what it was supposed to be. It looked more like a grimace. "Clever.", The younger man remarked as he started to pluck at the edges of his bandages.

Hotch gave Morgan a look that looked quite frustrated for the normally stoic man. Morgan could relate. It was incredibly frustrating to see Reid like this. But there wasn't much they could do about it in the moment.

"Reid, we understand that this must be difficult to talk about but you need to give us something. Right now you're under investigation. You showed up with a bloody knife, you lied about having amnesia, we know that whatever happened, it isn't your fault but we need to proof it.", Hotch tried again and Morgan could tell that he was making an effort to be patient.

For a while Reid didn't say anything, didn't even acknowledge that he heard them. He just stared into space. Then:"I can tell you where to find it." He lifted his head and finely looked at them. There was something unnerving about his staring. It put Morgan on edge.

"Find what?", Morgan asked with a raised eyebrow. The place where he had been held? 

"The body of my captor. It's his blood.", Reid replied simply before flashing a wide smile. There was something really wrong with that smile. It didn't reach his eyes at all. His mouth was grinning but his eyes were dead. He looked twisted, vicious, Morgan didn't recognize him. "I killed him.", He announced and he sounded like a goddamn stranger.

"Where is it?", Hotch asked, trying to maintain his professional appearance but Morgan could tell that Reid's behaviour was disturbing to him as well.

Reid dropped the smile and looked to his right arm. It was wrapped with a white bandage that he promotly started to tear off. 

"What are you doing?", Morgan asked before Reid's bare arm came to show. There were about two dozen perfectly uniform small lines carved into Reid's skin. They just started healing. Morgan felt his stomach cramp up.

"I don't have an address. I marked down the directions in case I forgot. Do you have a map?", Reid explained and Morgan only now noticed that they were following a pattern. Vertical and diagonal cuts. His guess was that the vertical lines ment going straight and the diagonal ones ment either taking a right or left turn, depending on the direction the cut went.

Hotch stepped out to ask a nurse if they had a local map.

"Forgetting isn't in your nature.", Morgan pointed out when it was only the two of them. Reid didn't reply anything to that. He just looked down at his arm and traced the cuts with the tips of his fingers. 

When Hotch came back with a map he silently started to trace his own path on the map back until he came to a stop. He then tapped the spot on the map with his index finger and looked up at them.

"You'll find it here. You should also search the premises. There might be more bodies.", He said, handing the map over to Hotch before leaning back in his bed and turning his eyes back to the ceiling. "Now leave me alone ", he whispered and they didn't argue.

~

"I'm here for Spencer Reid.", JJ told the nurse whose name tag said Diaz. Morgan had told her that she was taking care of Spencer. Everyone else was busy with investigating Reid's case and since she wasn't an FBI agent anymore she decided to visit Reid instead of being anxious and unhelpful. 

"Honey, he doesn't want visitors right now.", The nurse said carefully. 

JJ anticipated this. Apparently Spencer hadn't reacted all that well to Morgan yesterday. And she could think of some reasons why he wouldn't want to see her in particular but she also couldn't help but to seek him out. She needed to see him for herself, needed to make sure that he was actually alive. That she hadn't left him for dead.

"I- I'm a friend. I haven't seen him in over a year, please-", she asked again and her voice started to tremble dangerously. _God_ , she was so sick of crying. Diaz gave her a sympathetic look before getting up from her workstation.

"I'll ask him if he wants to see you, okay? What's your name?", She asked as she made her way to one of the closed hospital room doors.

"It's JJ.", JJ replied before she watched Diaz disappear in one of the rooms. Reid was right there behind that door. Only a few feet away. It didn't feel real, it didn't feel possible.

A minute or two later Diaz came out again. "You can go in.", She said and left the door open for JJ. Relieve washed over her but quickly disappeared again when she saw Spencer. 

Morgan had warned her, he had told her that it was bad, but nothing could've prepared her for seeing Reid like this. 

JJ wasn't sure if she would've even recognized Spencer straight away. He was curled up on his side but even with the blanket JJ could still see the horrendous state of his body. He was just bones, grotesquely protruding under skin that was covered in more scars and bruises than JJ could count. His hair was long and all tangled, mostly hiding his face from view. He looked cadaverous and JJ could feel bile rise in his throat.

"Hey, Spence.",she said, her voice faint. He didn't react, he just stared at the wall, completely unmoved.

JJ dared to take a few steps in and walked into his line of sight. He still wouldn't look at her, though. She tried to not show how much that unnerved her. She placed the large duffle bag she brough on the ground and crouched down to unzip it. 

"I'm sorry that it took so long for me to get here. I stopped by your appartment and brought some of your stuff. I thought you might like that.", She explained and opened the bag that she stuffed full with Spencer's things. 

That seemed to catch Reid's attention. "My appartment?", He asked and his eyebrows drew together. Even his voice was different. It was rougher. Not as boy-ish 

"Yeah, we all chipped in to keep your rent paid. For when you came back home.", She explained. She didn't tell him how she sometimes just went over to his place at night and slept on his couch, how she smelled his things and read his books and watched his DVDs just to feel like he wasn't gone. 

"I packed some of your clothes, and also some books. I thought you might be bored here.", She went on instead and started to take out neat stacks of sweaters, shirts, pants and mismatched socks followed by some of Reid's favourite books.

Reid slowly uncurled and sat up. He took his things when she handed them to him. She watched him carefully as he buried his face in the fabric of his clothes, as he carefully flipped through the pages of a Chaucer book. She couldn't believe that he was really here, in the flesh. She wanted to reach out and hold him in her arms so that nothing bad could ever touch him again.

"I can't believe that you're really here, Spence. I thought I had lost you.", She whispered before reaching for a strand of his wild hair that was hanging in his face. 

To her shock he violently fliched away before she even came close to touching him and JJ pulled her hand back like she had burned herself.

"Sorry- I'm sorry...", She quickly said as Reid tried to get his shaking under control, he had his eyes screwed shut and she could see him chewing on his lip.

"Do you want me to leave? Because- if you don't want me here, I'd understand that. Just know that I'm so sorry and that you have every right to hate me, and-", she then stammered. She didn't want to cause him more pain, didn't want to make things worse for him. 

JJ didn't get to finish her apology though. Spencer cut her off. He had relaxed a little and for the first time he really looked at her."Why?", He simply asked.

"Huh?" JJ wasn't sure what he ment.

"Why would I hate you?", He clarified and JJ hadn't expected that. She thought that it was obvious. 

"I- I wasn't there. We split up and I wasn't there to help you-", she explained and her voice cracked with the guilt and shame of it all.

To her shock Reid laughed. It was rattling and hollow and not happy at all but it didn't sound hateful either.

"What's so funny-", she asked and Reid's laughter faded into a slight smirk. 

"Nothing. Sorry. It's just- I said we should split up. You did nothing wrong. You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened.", He then explained and JJ raised her eyebrows in surprise. She had expected resentment and betrayal, not this.

"Also, I don't hate you.", Reid than added, as if it was that simple, as if JJ hadn't spend the last year tearing into herself relentlessly.

"You don't?", She asked, still not convinced and Reid shook his head. 

JJ was stunned. Spencer didn't hate her. After what Morgan told her about his reunion with Spencer she had expected that Reid would resent all of them, most of all her. She didn't really know what to do with herself now that that wasn't the case 

"What about the others?", She then asked.

"What about them?", Spencer returned, returning his attention to the book in his lap.

"Morgan said that you don't want to see us.", She explained and Reid pulled a face before glancing up at her. He looked tired. Not in a sleepy sense, more like everything was too much for him, it would be too much for everyone.

"It isn't about you. I'm not mad at any of you. You can tell Morgan that.", He then sighed, lowering his eyes again and hunching in on himself.

"What is it about then?", JJ asked and he fliched ever so slightly before shaking his head a little.

"I- can't- I'm sorry.", He whispered, his voice cracking. JJ didn't want to make it worse so she dropped the topic.

"That's okay. You don't need to explain, just know that we won't give up on you. None of us. We just got you back.", She told him but she could see Spencer withdrawing again. He curled in on himself, pulled his long legs to his chest and kept his eyes down. 

"I don't know if you have.", He whispered more to himself than to JJ and it broke her heart. She had no idea how to help him. 

Reid's eyes suddenly focused on the book that he still held in his hands and the tiniest smile pulled at his lips, only for a second and then it was gone again. JJ really hoped that she hadn't imagined it. "Thank you for the clothes and the books. I appreciate it.", He then said, glancing up at her and he sounded genuine, even if his face was blank again 

"No problem.", She said with a careful smile.

"I think I'm going to lie down again.", He then said and JJ took that as her queue to leave.

"That's okay.", She said, stepping back from the bed. "Get some rest."

~

"I need a minute. Can you go talk to him?", Morgan asked when they returned to the hospital at around 6pm. 

"Sure, take your time.", Hotch nodded before making his way back to Reid's room by himself. He could tell that the things they found at the address Reid gave them had taken their toll on Morgan. They didn't leave Hotch uneffected either. 

Reid's directions led them to a small inconspicuous bungalow. According to Garcia it belonged to a George Kubler. He used to work as welder but had been fired a few weeks back. He was a loner, a registered sex offender and a known drunk. 

They entered the building with the help of the local police when no one answered the door. The ground floor of the home was nothing too special. It was quite messy but nothing alarming. Only once they stepped foot into the basement they found Kurbler's dark secret. 

It could only be described as a dungeon. The floor was made of metal, the whole room was filthy. There was a corner with a dog kettle that was just large enough to fit a human and it was covered in waste. Chains hung from the ceiling and were attached to the walls. They found a cupboard filled with what could only be described as torture instruments. Most were covered in blood, just like everything else around here and Hotch was willing to bet a large sum of money that the forensics team would find out that it was Reid's blood that painted the walls. 

In the centre of it all was Kubler's body. It was difficult to guess what he looked like before his death. The corpse was a couple of days old and had already bloated. It didn't smell all that great either. 

If Hotch had to guess he'd say that Kubler bleed to death, just judging by the pool of blood his body was laying in and the numerous stab wounds all over his torso. 

Two or three times would've probably been enough to kill him but Reid had stabbed Kubler 16 times. Looking around the room where Kubler had probably spend months torturing Reid, Hotch couldn't blame the young man.

Hearing what had happened to Reid had been bad. Seeing the shell of a person that he had become was worse but standing in the room where it happened and imagining the horrors that Reid went through... it was horrifying. 

After they left the basement they went into the backyard. Morgan noticed that Kubler had invested in a very high fence all around his estate, so that people couldn't peak in. 

The cadaver dogs they brough onto the scene all pulled towards on corner of the garden. The flower bed. Reid had said that there might be multiple bodies. Apparently he wasn't Kubler's only victim.

Hotch gave the order to dig up the flower bed before returning to the main crime scene. By the time Hotch and Morgan got ready to leave for the hospital again they found two more decomposed bodies in the flower bed. Reid would've probably joined them soon if he hadn't killed Kubler.

Hotch had spoken to the police chief on their ride back. They still weren't done investigating the crime scene but it was highly unlikely that Reid would be charged with anything. At least they wouldn't have to worry about that.

Once Hitch and Morgan separated in the hospital, Hotch went straight to Reid's room. He couldn't help but to feel alarmed when he found it empty. 

"Where is Dr Reid?", He asked a nurse that walked by. She looked quite young and gave him a smile before peaking into the hospital room.

"He's probably pacing through the hospital. He does that a lot. The doctors say it's good for him to stay active as long as he doesn't overexert himself. ", She then explained and Hotch relaxed a little. He knew that he was being irrational. What where the chances of Reid disappearing again? But he couldn't help it, he was worried for his youngest agent

"Then I'll wait here. ", He nodded before stepping back into the room and taking a seat in the armchair in the corner.

~

Morgan puked his guts out until nothing but bile came out. His throat was burning, his eyes were watering, he was absolutely miserable.

Seeing the basement shouldn't have shaken him so much. He had seen much much worse. But seeing all this violent potential in relation to Reid, the violence commited by and against him, it was different. 

He got up from his knees and stepped in front of the sink. He washed his mouth out and splashed water in his face before looking up into the mirror.

"Get it together. You need to keep it together. For Spencer.", He whispered to himself. He couldn't break down, not now, not when his best friend was a mere shadow of himself. 

He took a deep breath before straightening his back and stepping out onto the hallway and... walking straight into Reid. 

He was just standing there, right in front of the door, still dressed in his hospital gown, barefoot and holding onto his IV pole. 

"Wow, Reid, what are you doing out of bed?", Morgan gasped, quickly distancing himself. Reid didn't flinch back, he didn't even avoide eye contact. He stared right back at Morgan.

"You were vomiting.", he then pointed out, his tone neutral. _So much for keeping it together_.

"Yes. Good to see that you're still perceptive.", Morgan mumbled, burying his hand in the pockets of his pants. Spencer's eyes tracked the movement before looking up into Morgan's eyes again.

"Why?", He asked, cocking his head to one side.

"We just came back from the house.", Morgan replied and Spencer nodded.

"Ah, the body. It's been 5 days. It should be bloated by now.", He said before pacing over to a row of chairs a few feet away and sitting down. He winced a little when he sat down but he didn't protest when Morgan sat down, too. Not directly next to him, he left one chair free to give Reid some space.

"It's not because of the body. I've seen countless bodies.", Morgan clarified.

"Why then?", Reid asked. He slumped in his seat, he always had awful posture. 

"We saw the basement. The blood there. Is that where he-", Morgan wasn't sure how he intended to finish that sentence, he didn't have to anyways. Reid cut him off.

"Don't make me talk about this. Please don't.", He pleaded quietly , his voice strained. He had his eyes screwed shut, his hands clenched into fists and they were shaking. Morgan dropped the topic immediately. 

"Okay. I'm just glad that you're talking to me at all.", He sighed and Reid relaxed a little. He looked at Morgan again and there was the slightest shadow of a smile on his lips. It wasn't happy but it wasn't bitter either. It looked a little apologetic. 

"Yeah, JJ made me aware that my distance might be perceived as me being mad at you. Which I'm not, by the way.", He the said and it was embarrassing how relieved Morgan was.

"It would be okay if you were.", He told Reid but Reid only waved him off.

"I'm not.", He shrugged and the thing was, Morgan believed him. Unfortunately that didn't clear anything up at all.

"What's the problem then?", He asked, hoping that he didn't sound accusatory. He was just trying to understand. 

Reid looked straight ahead and thought on it for a second. He leaned his head back against the wall and stared at the ceiling before smirking. "I am." There was something so devastating about the resignation in his voice. 

"Reid-", Morgan sighed but Reid didn't feel like arguing.

"Do you think I'll get charged with anything?", He asked instead, letting his head roll to one side until he faced Morgan again. He didn't seem worried, which worried Morgan.

"No. Anyone who has a functioning brain would be able to tell you that that was self defense.", Morgan replied and there it was again. That irritated micro frown that only lasted for a split second before his face became a blank canvas again.

"Reid?", Morgan asked carefully. There was something else that he had been wondering about ever since they found the body. But he was scared to ask, scared that Reid would shut him out again. Morgan knew that he had to ask eventually, though.

"Yes?", Spencer asked, snapping out of his own thoughts.

"The guy that kept you, he wasn't Hankel." It wasn't a question. Until this morning they had assumed that Hankel had been the one that held Reid prisoner. If he wasn't, that posed the question of how Reid ended up with Kubler.

"No, he wasn't.", Reid nodded 

"I can only imagine how hard it must be to talk about this-", Morgan started and Reid was already groaning, returning his glare to the ceiling. "- but we need to know what happened to Hankel. If he's still out there, if he could hurt anyone else. If there is more, then you need to tell us."

Reid was silent for a while, so long that Morgan feared that Reid had gone back to ignoring him. 

"Hankel isn't a threat anymore.", He finally said. He didn't look at Morgan, didn't move at all, his voice was fainter than before.

"But?", Morgan asked, because there was always something else.

Reid chewed on his lip nervously, he clenched and unclenched his hands around the fabric of his hospital gown. When he looked back to Morgan he looked terrified. 

"But there is definitely more."


	4. It hurts, I can't lie, remember those times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this one's a bit rougher. Still no graphic descriptions of anything but there is talk about sex trafficking so watch out for that. Suicide is mentioned very briefly and there is also a queer slur.
> 
> Also, I promise that there'll be a Reid POV in the next chapter. I just wanted to keep his current state of mind ambiguous for a while.

"Tobias was too disorganized. He couldn't have kept me alive for very long, even if he tried. I was with him for... one month and eleven days. Then he overdosed on Dilaudid and died.",Reid explained. They had all gathered in his hospital room again. Reid was back in his bed, hunched over, staring at his hands in his lap. Hotch, Morgan, Prentiss and JJ were all gathered around him while Garcia had joined them on the phone.

"And then?", Hotch asked. Morgan could see how much Reid was struggling with himself. He was trembling ever so slightly, his breathing was uneven.

"I- I was stuck, he kept me restraint. I called for help but no one came. I passed out after a while.", Reid continued. He had gone back to not looking at any of them. "Tobias had to have someone that checked on him. Next thing I remember I'm somewhere else entirely. "

"Kruger's place?", Prentiss asked and Reid shook his head slightly before glancing up at them.

"No. Kruger is a sadist and he is brutal but he is also sloppy. He breaks all his toys in a matter of weeks. I was only with him the last... Month and a half.", he explained and Morgan felt sick. Reid's word choice, how he spoke of Kruger in the present tense, how he referred to his victims as toys, it was all very haunting. 

"That leaves us with a 10 month gap. Where were you?", Hotch asked next. 

Reid didn't reply for a while. He pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees.

"I don't know his name.", He then whispered. "He insisted on everyone calling him the Master. He's a bit of a megalomaniac in my opinion. He thought of himself as a king, and we were his harem. "

"We?", Morgan asked. 

"Yes... I am the only one. We are a dozen, maybe. Men and women. Most of us servants don't stay for long. The Master and his men grow bored quickly. They are selling servants and bringing in new ones all the time. The master especially likes to train us. He likes to see us fail and then... he'll punish us. 'There's something formidable in taking apart a human mind.' He always says that. They break us down until we are completely shattered so that they can rebuild us to their liking." The longer Reid spoke the more distant his voice became. He was staring straight ahead, his eyes unfocused. Morgan wanted to ask him to stop, as if not talking about it would somehow reverse it all. As if everything that happened wasn't permanently scorched into Reid's mind.

"I was there for a long time. 10 months is long. Most die or get sold off. Some kill themselves.", He continued before his voice suddenly broke off. He took a shaky breath, his eyes fluttered shut and a smile pulled at his lips. It looked painful. "He says that he likes having me around. I am amusing to him. Eventually he sold me off, too. That's how I ended up with Kruger. ", He eventually finished and his face became a blank slate again, with dead unseeing eyes, staring into space. 

"Reid, I understand that this must be difficult-", Hotch started to say after a moment of silence. 

"That's an understatement.", Reid whispered under his breath but Hotch didn't let that stop him.

"But we need you to tell us everything that you remember. You know how these things work, you know that all information is vital to get a reliable profile for the unsub.", He continued. Morgan could tell that Hotch was trying to retain his tough exterior but he wasn't fooling anyone. He couldn't treat Reid like a normal victim, no matter how hard he tried. He was much much gentler with him. 

Reid suddenly looked up at Hotch, his eyes sharper than before, his eyebrows pulled into a frown.

"You want a profile? I'll give you a profile. You're looking for a white male, early to mid 40's, 6'2 feet tall, about 190 pounds, black hair, he's fit, he works out a lot. He values his appearance. He likes to think of himself as charming, that people sleep with him because he's so handsome and persuasive. Of course there is nothing more persuasive than the barrel of a gun. He rules through fear, both his men and his servants. He's a sadist through and through so he doesn't kill his victims purposely to prolong the suffering. Unless someone damages his pride. Than they'll be publicly executed. He's bisexual but with a clear preference for men that he downplays because of internalised homophobia that probably stems from a catholic upbringing. He considers both women and younger males as inferior. My guess is that that's due to an abusive father figure that targeted both him and his mother equally and called himself the head of the household. Because of his childhood he has a need for both, dominance and respect. He doesn't know the difference between love and respect or the difference between respect and fear which is why he'll torture you to demonstrate his power and make you apologetize and thank him after. That's his idea of love and respect." It was clear that Hotch had overstepped a line. Reid got more and more heated with every word he said until his entire body was violently trembling. Morgan wanted to beg him to stop. He wanted to calm him down, gather him up in his arms and keep him away from anything bad forever. 

"Oh, and he has a 10 inch dick. I know because it was inside of me so many times that I could pick it out in a line-up. Is that the profile you were looking for?!", Reid finally snapped and Hotch paled. None of them knew what to say to that. JJ looked like she was on the verge of tears, Emily had lowered her eyes to the floor and Morgan... Morgan had no idea what to dowdo himself. He had rarely felt so utterly useless. 

"Reid, I understand that this is difficult, but if you want to stop him we need-", Hotch said carefully but Reid had had enough. He turned furious, his eyes glared Hotch down and his hands were clenched into fists.

"No you don't understand anything! There's no stopping the master! I fought him for months and it brought me nowhere! If you're part of his game all you can do is play along! I'm finally out, I can't do this again, you can't make me-"

"Reid, -"

"Don't pretended like you understand! None of you understand or you wouldn't be asking this of me!I just can't do this anymore, I'm done!", Reid lashed out. He was consumed by rage, panic and devestation. Morgan had never seen him like this before. A bundle of raw unprotected nerves.

"What about the others, what about everyone he hurt in the past, everyone that he'll hurt in the future? People like you Reid, innocent people. ", Hotch tried to convince him an Reid flinched back as if he had backhanded him. He stared at Hotch with his large eyes, his lips were slightly parted and for a moment he seemed completely out of it. Then, so quietly that Morgan almost didn't catch it:"Get out."

When nobody reacted, it was like something in Reid just snapped. Suddenly he was screaming at the top of his lungs:"I SAID GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Soon the team all rushed out of the hospital room until it was only Reid and Morgan left. Reid didn't seem to notice Morgan's presence because his self restraint quickly dwindled as soon as he thought that he was alone. 

He shrunk in on himself, curling up on his side and hiding his head with his arms. He was shaking and Morgan needed a second to realize that Reid was crying. It was completely soundless but that didn't make it any less devastating. Morgan felt bad for staying, for intruding on Reid's pain that he clearly didn't want everyone to witness. But now it was too late to leave unnoticed.

"Reid...", He whispered quietly, his voice thick with emotion. 

Reid stilled before slowly uncurling and rolling onto his back until his red-rimmed eyes met Morgan's. He looked so tired. Tired in a way that no 26 year old should. "Why are you still here? Are you going to guilt trip me into helping?", He whispered, his voice breaking even more than before.

Morgan shook his head. He wanted to say that he'd never do that but he knew that that was a lie. Both him and Reid knew that he had pushed victims past their comfort hundreds of times. They both had. It was part of their job. But he couldn't do that when Reid was the victim. He couldn't do that to someone he loved.

" As far as I'm concerned you don't owe anything to anyone. You've been through enough.", He replied honestly. 

Reid stared at him for a while before a faint smile pulled at his lips. Morgan hated that smile with a passion. It was a terrible, twisted thing, full of pain and self loathing. "Great.", Reid sighed.

"What?", Morgan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You just said the one thing that could change my mind.", Reid shrugged.

"What do you mean?"

"You said that I don't owe anyone. You're wrong. Call Hotch back in. ", Reid sighed, looking and sounding defeated. A part of Morgan wanted to refuse, wanted to tell Reid that he didn't have to put himself through any more pain, not for anyone. Still, Morgan went over to the door and called their team back in.

"I'm sorry, Reid. If I overstepped-", Hotch began to apologize once they had all stepped back in again.

Reid had sat up again. He seemed drained. Morgan thought that they were overexerting him. Reid needed to rest. He had been through enough stress. 

"It's okay. I- I willhelp you find him... Under one condition.", The younger man said.

"There is this woman. We both served the Master for a long time. She got sold off before I did but there were rumours... That she got away. I need to find her. I need to know if she's okay. If you can help me find her I'll tell you everything I know.", He then explained and Hotch nodded along.

"Okay. We can do that. Why don't you start by telling us what you know about the woman so we can get Garcia started on this."

Reid gave them all a weary glance, as if he was waging if he could trust his old team with that information. "The Master doesn't let us keep our real names. He gives us new ones and we aren't allowed to use each others old names. He used to call her... Dyke. Because of her short hair, I suppose. Then he made her grow it out and started calling her Raven. We aren't supposed to know our past names but she once told me her real name is Alexandria Barron.   
She's in her early 20s, 5'4, petite, her skin is olive toned, her hair is black and curly and her eyes are dark brown. She has a scar that goes through her right eyebrow. If she really managed to escape she might've turned up somewhere in Nevada. We were kept on a huge private range that was cut off from the rest of civilization. I don't know where it was but our surroundings were desert-like, it reminded me of a school trip I went to as a kid, to a rural part of Nevada."

"Garcia, can you work with that?", Hotch asked into the phone.

"Yes, I'll check out missing persons reports that match that description and see if anyone has turned up, when did you last see her?", Penelope asked on the other end of the line. 

Reid seemed to think on it for a second, counting. "2 months, 3 weeks and 2 days ago. That's when she was sold. ", He eventually replied.

"If we're lucky and she really did get away, there might already be an investigation into our unsub and his sex trafficking ring.", Emily suggested but she seemed to regret it as soon as she saw Reid flinch at her words.

"I'm sorry, Reid.", She mumbled but Reid didn't really react. He once again wore that thousand yard stare, as if he had completely checked out of the conversation.

"I think that this is enough for now. ", JJ said gently, noticing the same troubling behaviour that Morgan did. 

"Alright.", Hotch nodded, getting up and walking to the door with Emily close after him. "Thank you, Reid. ", He said before leaving but Reid didn't even seem to hear him.

"You don't have to do that. I'm fine.", Reid finally mumbled once it was only Morgan, JJ and him. He sounded hollow, like he was still not completely there. 

"You're not. Which none of us blame you for. ", Morgan sighed. It was incomprehensible. He looked at Reid, at everything that had been done to him, everything that they still didn't know and he couldn't even believe that he was still alive. How did he survive something like this? How were they supposed to help him? Was it even possible to fix someone once they were so brutally shattered?

No, he couldn't think like that, he refused to believe that it was too late for Reid. They had failed him once. For 13 months they had failed him. Not again. Not ever.

"Reid, what do you want? What do you need?", Morgan asked, hoping that the other man could just tell him. But of course it wasn't that easy. Reid shook his head slowly, like he didn't understand the question. His eyes had become glassy, like he was about to start crying again.

JJ gave Morgan a weary look before crouching down in front of the bed until she was in Spencer's line of sight "Do you want to go home, Spence? ", She then asked gently and it took a moment for Reid to react but when he did he nodded slowly and Morgan could see tears starting to spill over his cheeks.

"Yes?", JJ asked carefully and Spencer pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, a quiet sob escaping him.

"Yes, please..." He whimpered and Morgan felt like someone ripped his heart out of his chest.

"Okay, we'll take you home.", He promised. It was time for Spencer Reid to come home.


	5. What if I'm down?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this one is quite dark (hello Reid's POV) 
> 
> The beginning of the chapter is in italics because it's a memory. It also includes implied drug abuse and implied sexual abuse, but once again nothing graphic. I'm also putting out a warning for intrusive thoughts and dissociation that basically counts for the entire story and I've updated the tags.
> 
> Please tell me your thought on this chapter since it's the first glimps into Reid's state of mind and I'm super curious to hear what you think!

**_I'm Spencer Reid. I'm 25 years old. They'll find me-_ **

_Spencer had given up saying his mantra out loud. It only brought more pain. And some time after the first hundred times Master got annoyed an gagged him._

_It was day... 217...218? He wasn't sure anymore. The days blended into each other. One nightmare after the other, like a never-ending horror show._

_Reid hadn't seen the Master in a few days. He was punishing him. For messing up, for passing out. Master didn't like it when he passed out, or when he checked out, he liked seeing the pain in Spencer's eyes._

_The Master had tazed him until he woke up again. Now he was chained to a wall in the yard. They had left him here the last couple of days, in the heat of the day and freezing cold of the night. Reid wasn't sure what he hated more, the brutal sun, beating down on him or the lack of it._

_He saw one of the Master's men approach him from across the yard. They were all nameless to him. He carried the water jug and the funnel and a shiver ran down Reid's spine._

_"Sit up, pussy boy.", The man said, placing a kick against Reid's side. Reid got to his knees as he had been taught. His mouth was already grotesquely wide open because of the spider gag so the man had no problem shoving the funnel in and pouring the water down Reid's throat. It felt like he was drowning. Sometimes he fantasized about it, about drowning or choking to death or just falling asleep and never waking up again._

_The funnel was removed and Reid doubled over, coughing so hard he almost threw up. The man just watched him, a sick smile on his lips._

_Reid glanced up at him. He knew what the man was waiting for, what was expected of him. He wanted him to beg and whine like the pathetic mess that he was and then the man would show his generosity by giving Reid what he never wanted but craved none the less._

_There used to be a time where Reid would've fought, a time where he wouldn't have buckled so easily. But those times were long gone, just like the man that he used to be. He had abandoned his dignity months ago._

_So he whined like a bitch in heat and pleaded with his eyes until the man flashed a grin and pulled out the syringe. Reid's cursed salvation._

_"Oh, you want this?", the man asked and Reid had to stop himself from crying out. Tobias had kept him drugged the whole time he was with him so when the Master and his men found him, he was hooked. They made use of that a lot, it was easy to manipulate Reid when a fix of Dilaudid was on the line._

_"You'll have to earn it first.", The man grinned, putting the syringe away and unbuckling his belt-_

~

"Reid?", A female voice called out and suddenly Reid wasn't naked on his knees in some barren wasteland anymore. 

"Hey, it was just a dream, okay? You're save. You're okay.", JJ whispered hurriedly. Her worried face was hovering in front of Reid's but she wasn't touching him. Reid wasn't sure how he'd react if anyone touched him now. 

His heart was still hammering in his chest, he was shaking, everything hurt, worst of all his head. _It was a dream, just a dream. I'm Spencer Reid. I'm 25... No... 26 years old. They found me. I'm save._

His eyes shot around the room as he desperately tried to calm down. He was on a plane. It was the BAU jet. They were flying back home. _Home. He was going home._

Reid's stomach cramped up and his head started spinning. This was all _too much_.

"I think I'm going to be sick. ", he mumbled, his mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. He got up shakily before staggering over to the bathroom, ignoring how every wrong movement hurt. He wasn't sure how he made it to the toilet, just that he somehow ended up kneeling in front of it, his head resting on the toilet seat. He was disgusted with himself but also too exhausted to move.

The last 24 hours had been a blur. He had told his old team about the Master and about Alexandria, they had promised to search for both and then they had gotten him discharged from the hospital. Diaz wasn't too happy about letting him go so soon but she gave them instructions on everything Reid needed. 

"Who will watch out for you?", She had asked Reid, like he was a toddler or something. 

"I will. I am an adult, you know?", he asked her and his tone was a little sharper than intended. 

She gave him an apologetic look before explaining:" Yes I know that, honey. But you'll need some help at first. Someone needs to change the bandages on your back for you and make sure that you stick to your nutrition plan and lay off the caffeine." That last one was supposed to be a joke but Reid didn't laugh. It was bad enough that the nurses and doctors saw his body and had to touch it. Imagining one of his friend doing it made Reid's skin crawl. 

" I can take care of you.", Morgan offered and Reid would rather roll up in a ball and die. It wasn't Morgan's fault. Not at all. It was just that he was a man and that every fibre of Reid's being was terrified of men. Their touch was poisonous. 

"Can I please just do it myself?", He pleaded, pretending to not notice the hurt expression in Morgan's face. 

"No, honey. You can't reach that far. You need help, at least for a few weeks.", Diaz said and Reid had to fight the urge to cry. He was always on the verge of tears these days. It was sickening. 

"I could- if you would be okay with it...", JJ offered carefully and Reid glanced up at her. Kind, beautiful JJ that had never been anything but nice to him. He didn't want her to see him like this, he didn't want anyone to see him like this... Or he just didn't want to be seen by anyone ever again. He just wanted to hide away somewhere where he didn't have to be seen and touched and talked to. Reid just wanted to be gone. 

But JJ was his best option. She was a woman, someone who he knew and used to trust, and while the idea of her touching him made him sick it didn't send him into a full blown panic attack. 

"Okay...if it's okay for you...", He mumbled and so it was decided. Diaz send Morgan out of the room and then she ordered Reid to take his hospital robe off so that she could show JJ how to clean the wounds and reapply the bandages. 

Reid took his robe off and stood with his back towards the two woman. He clenched his eyes shut, he didn't like looking down at his own body. 

His skin stung when Diaz pulled the bandaids off but not as much as JJ's horrified gasp. He was glad that he couldn't see her face. She had to be disgusted with him. 

Reid tried to block out his surroundings as Diaz cleaned his wounds and explained everything to JJ. He ran off to the part of his mind where nothing ever hurt, the place he escaped to when everything became too much. It wasn't a happy place, it wasn't joyful or anything. It was just numbness, an absence of pain. That was the best Reid could hope for now, just a little less pain. 

At some point they moved on to his thighs, Reid didn't have to remove his briefs which he was thankful for but he still turned his eyes to the ceiling and focused on counting every ceiling tile individually. 

_52, 53, 54, 55..._

"Reid?"

JJ's voice made him snap out of it. He looked at her. She looked pale, like she was going to be sick. Reid knew that he was revolting but it still hurt to be reminded of it. Why would she volunteer if he disgusted her so much?

 _Pity_. That's what the little voice in his head said that sounded like Kruger or the Master or a blend of every man that had ever used Reid. _She pities you. You're pathetic and they all know-_

"Reid, we can get you dressed now.", JJ said and Reid wondered if she had to repeat herself. Sometimes his mind ran away with him, he lost time, either to the drugs or to himself. 

It took a moment for him to register her words as more than just sounds. He heard her but it just didn't process immediately.

 _We can get you dressed_. Reid hated it, hated how patronising it was but he didn't say anything against it. They weren't wrong. Apparently he couldn't do anything by himself anymore.

"What do you want to wear?", JJ asked, crouching down and pulling the duffle bag between them that she had filled with his clothes. 

Reid stared at her, then at the clothes, then back at her. It's not like he was stupid or anything. Logically he understood what she asked of him. To choose what he wanted to wear. But the issue was that Reid wasn't supposed to want anything. Wanting was for people and Reid wasn't people. He was a pet at best and a thing at worst. And he knew that JJ probably didn't think of him like that and that he should just chose something and it would be fine but his self preservation instinct screamed at him that this was a trap. That he was breaking the rules, that he'd get punished. So he ended up saying nothing. 

JJ eventually pulled out a soft grey sweater that Reid used to wear when he was by himself at home and a pair of looser pants that wouldn't rub against his wounds too much. At least they let him dress himself and once Reid was wearing his own clothes again he could've cried at how good it felt. 

He didn't though, he didn't want them to know how messed up he was, that something as simple as this could make him crack. They already didn't believe that he could be trusted with his own life, he didn't want to give them even more reasons to doubt him.

Diaz explained some more things about the nutrition plan the doctors had planned out for Reid and gave him a list of psychologists and therapists in Quantico who were specialized on ' _Sex Trafficking Survivors_ '. Reid didn't know what to do with it so he handed it to JJ that packed it away into her purse, right next to his nutrition plan and his meds.

And then they were off. 

Now it was two or three hours later and Reid was still laying on the bathroom floor, clutching the toilet. 

He heard a soft knock against the door and then Morgan's voice. "Reid? Everything okay in there?", He asked gently. 

_Just say that you're okay. Say that you're fine._ But he couldn't. He didn't move, he didn't say anything. 

"Reid, can you hear me?", Morgan asked again, he sounded alarmed. Reid should really say something. He sat up slowly and let his hands run through his hair. It was filthy. He didn't shower at the hospital and they only gave him a sponge bath.

"Reid!", Morgan called out, trying to open the door but Reid had locked it. Reid forced himself to get up, he grabbed onto the sink to steady himself.

"Spencer! If you don't answer me I'll kick the door in!", Morgan yelled. Spencer was freaking him out. He had that effect on people. He was freaking them out. He was _bad, toxic, freaky-_

"Spencer! Come on!" He had to move, he turned on the faucet, he avoided the mirror, he washed out his mouth and sprayed water in his face. _Get it together. Stop being so messed up._

Spencer straightened up and unlocked the door, pulling it open. Outside Morgan was already preparing to kick in the door. 

"Spencer? Are you okay?", he asked breathlessly.

_No. I'll never be okay again._

"Yes. Can't I even use the toilet by myself?", He asked instead.


	6. And to know you is hard, we wonder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is all in all pretty tame, just the usual warnings. Also, I put a link at the end where you can see some art I made for this fic, check it out!

"Here we are, home sweet home.", JJ announced, her tone overly cheery as she opened the door to Reid's apartment. They let Reid take the lead and just hovered in the doorway as he slowly stepped inside.

He didn't say anything for a while. He just paced around his living room, letting his hands glide over the couch cushions, the table, the books in his bookcase. His expression was neutral, it was difficult to guess what he was feeling.

"You really didn't change anything." It wasn't a question. Spencer knew his things and he'd know if they had moved anything.

"No, we knew that you wouldn't like people going through your stuff.", Morgan replied and a soft smile pulled at Reid's lips, it was just a shadow and it still carried a lot of sadness but at least it wasn't bitter.

"You really thought that I'd come back?", He asked, his eyes resting on a picture frame one the wall that showed their team.

"We were doing everything we could to get you here sooner. We're sorry that we failed.",JJ said, her tone gentle and pained at the same time. Spencer glanced at her but only for a moment. His smile had faded.

"It's okay.", He then mumbled. Even though it wasn't. They hadn't managed to save him. Reid had to save himself. If he hadn't he might've died soon and then they would've never seen him again.

"What do you wanna do now that you're home?", JJ asked, her cheery tone back, like she was trying to lift their spirits.

Reid had his eyes glued to the floor. His eyebrows pulled together into a frown and he blinked a few times. He seemed confused or overwhelmed. He didn't say anything.

"How about a bath?", JJ asked eventually, her tone lighthearted but Morgan could see Reid's whole body tense instantly.

JJ seemed to notice it too and took a step back. "Unless that would make you uncomfortable?", she asked carefully and Reid wrapped one of his arms around his body, while his other hand reached for his hair. Someone had obviously cleaned him but his hair hadn't been washed, it was matted and crusty. 

"I'll have to do it eventually, don't I...", he then said with a weak smirk, wrapping his arms around his shivering body. He looked absolutely terrified.

"Okay...how about I run you a bath and then you can still decide if you want to do it?", JJ suggested. Reid gave her a shaky nod before his eyes glanced over at Morgan for a moment. Morgan didn't miss the fear that was in Reid eyes. He had noticed before that Reid seemed uncomfortable by his presence, sometimes even afraid. Morgan didn't know what do with himself. He didn't want to abandon his best friend but he also felt like he was only making everything worse.

"I'll go to the shop to get some groceries. Where is that nutrition plan Diaz gave you?", Morgan then asked JJ, giving Reid an easy out. He pretended like he didn't see the relief on Spencer's face, pretended that it didn't hurt him.

"Here it is. ", JJ said, pulling a stack of papers out of her purse and handing them to Derek with an apologetic look on her face. "Thank you."

Morgan gave her a nod before making his way back outside.

~

JJ left to go to the bathroom next door and Reid was by himself. The man desperately tried to hold on to consciousness but memories flashed before his eyes like fireworks. _His head under water, his lungs constricting, someone yanking his hair, gasping for air that wouldn't come-_

Luckily, in that moment the door of the bathroom opened again and JJ stepped through. "Your bubblebath is ready. You can come in.", she announced, her tone seemingly chipper but Reid could tell that she was tense, too.

"Okay... let's get it over with...", he mumbled, pulling himself together and trotting into the bathroom. JJ didn't exaggerate when she mentioned a bubble bath, the large tub was overflowing with white, fluffy-looking foam and it smelled amazing, sweet and fruity. It was so familiar, like everything here. It made something ache, deep inside of him, but for once, it was a good kind of pain. Reid didn't think that he'd ever get to go home again.

He still wanted to run for the hills. For a solid minute he just stood in the doorway, staring at the tub. "Or we could try a shower if that's better?", JJ suggested.

Memories of being hosed down with ice cold water until he was curled up on the floor, shivering and sobbing popped up. "That's actually worse...", he sighed before forcing himself to go in. He stopped a few inches in front of the bath, watching it as if it would attack him.

"Do you want me to leave?", JJ asked and Reid didn't know what to reply. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know what was expected of him, what the right answer was.

"How about I stay for now, but if I make you uncomfortable at any point you can tell me to leave. ", JJ then suggested and Reid gave her a hurried nod. He just wanted to get this over with.

"Okay, your bandaids should be waterproof so I think that they'll be fine in the water but we'll have to change them after the bath. Okay?", She then asked, as if Reid had any say in the matter. He didn't so he didn't reply anything to that.

_They're just like everyone else, you're nothing but a thing to them, you'll never be free, you'll never-_

"Spence?", The woman asked, taking a step closer and Spencer flinched so hard he almost fell into the bathtub.

"Don't touch me-", he hissed in a frenzy and felt bad the second he saw the hurt in JJ's eyes. She covered it up pretty well but it was still there. "Shit, I'm sorry...", Reid whinced, covering his face with his hands for a few seconds, trying to take calming breaths. He was so sick of being like this. "I- I'm sorry, it's not you, it's just- I know it's irrational but I have this fear that you're going to dunk my head under water and I can't- it's dumb-", he gasped out, he couldn't stand to look at JJ right now. This was all so pathetic.

"Has this happened before?", JJ asked, her voice thick with emotion.

"Yeah?", Reid confessed weakly. Not with Kruger or the Master, no. It had been Tobias, or rather the split personality of his father that spend weeks torturing Reid in the believe that he was a devil.

"Then it isn't irrational.", JJ replied gently before taking a few steps back. "I'll just stay on my side of the room, I promise.", she said and Reid hated himself and loved her so much more. JJ was so gentle with him, much kinder than Spencer was used to and he didn't deserve any of it.

"Okay... thanks. And could you-", shame coiled around his throat, making it hard to speak:" - could you not look at me." JJ turned away, now facing the wall without hesitation and it was embarrassing how relieved Reid was. He knew that she'd already seen him and that she'd have to look at him to switch his bandaids but he still wanted to spare her from looking at what he had become as much as possible. "Thanks. ", he mumbled before pulling off his sweater and strictly avoiding looking down at himself.

"No problem, Spence. Just be careful with the bandages. ", She said while Reid continued to undress.

"Sure", he mumbled, stepping into the bath. He didn't let himself hesitate so he didn't even have time to consider what the water would feel like. "It's warm.", he stated before placing his other foot in the water as well.

"Yeah, I hope it's okay.", JJ said from across the room. Reid wasn't exactly sure what he had expected but it wasn't this. For starters he had assumed that the water would be cold. Slowly, very slowly, he let himself sink into the water until he was sat in it, only his shoulders, arms and head sticking out of the bubbles. It was surprisingly not-awful and with no one near that could drown him Reid felt almost not-panicked, though he wouldn't call it calm.

"Spencer, are you still with me?", JJ asked, her tone slightly alarmed. Maybe because Spencer didn't say anything in a while.

"Yeah, I'm good, I'm... it's pleasant...", he replied. "Tell me a something? Just talk about whatever.", he then asked and JJ didn't need to hear that twice. She went straight into a chatting about this and that.

Reid was only half listening but JJ's voice had a soothing effect while he tried to relax. Slowly, very slowly, he eased up a little, the warmth and the smell and the sound of JJ's familiar voice all helping him to unwind. For a while he just allowed himself to melt into the warmth. This was okay. This was good.

Then he got to cleaning himself. It was a slow, painful process, especially when it came to washing his hair. Any situation with water near his head wasn't a good one but in the end he managed without getting a full on panic attack, probably because JJ talked him through the whole process.

In the end the water was lukewarm and Reid wasn't sure how long he spend in there. "Okay, I think I'll get out now.", he said before his eyes fell on a blue towel that was hanging from the radiator close by. "Can I use that towel?", he asked.

"Of course, I put it there for you.", JJ agreed, still not facing Reid. "Wait, I'll get you fresh clothes while you dry off.", she then announced before leaving the room, letting Reid have the privacy to step out of the bath and dry himself off.

The towel was warm from the radiator and soft against his skin. Reid avoided looking at the mirrors in the bathroom once he was done drying himself and instead focused on the bandages. The one on his arm was fine and had gotten wet anyways so he pulled it off before looking at his wounds in the bright light of the bathroom. They already looked much better. They had stopped bleeding but they'd probably still scar. He didn't go near the bandages on his things, just thinking about it made him nauseous.

He heard a soft knock on the door and quickly dropped his arm. "Reid, I'll have to look at you now to replace your bandages.", JJ announced and Reid swallowed.

"Can you hand in the underwear first?", He asked anxiously and JJ opened the door a crack and handed in some boxer briefs. Reid quickly pulled them on before opening the door to let JJ back in.

"I'll start with your thighs if that's okay. So that you can put on your pants soon.", She asked.

Reid nodded slowly before sitting down on the toilet seat and leaning his head against the cool tiles so that he wouldn't have to watch.

"Okay, this might sting a little.", JJ said before pulling the bandaids off. Reid closed his eyes and tried to keep his breathing even. JJ quickly cleaned the wounds before spreading antiseptic cream on it and applying fresh bandaids.

"Okay. Now your back.", She said gently and Reid stood up mechanically and turned his back on her.

He zoned out as she cared for his wounds, made himself go far far away, everything that was necessary to not relive the past.

"You took the bandage off of your arm.", JJ then pointed out.

"It stopped bleeding.", he replied, still a little absent.

"Okay. I'll just put some creme on it.", She said before gently lifting his arm up and spreading the cool cream on the cuts.

When she was done she handed Reid a fresh stack of clothes. Another wide fluffy sweater, soft sweatpants and mismatched fuzzy socks.

JJ left to let Reid get dressed by himself and once he did he dared his first look into the mirror. 

It wasn't good. Actually it was worse than he thought. Reid knew how people were supposed to look like, he didn't look like a person, he looked like a skeleton.

Meager, haggard. His pale skin was as white and thin as paper and had an almost green tinge under the lights of the bathroom. His face was made of sharp edges and dark shadows, hollow bruised eyes that stared back at him. He let his shaky fingers trace over the crucifix scar that Tobias carved into the side of his face. A weak breath escaped his lips that sounded more like a whimper and he pressed his eyes shut, turning away. No wonder everyone was so horrified by his appearance.

He stepped out of the bathroom and wandered through the apartment until he found JJ in his bedroom. She was putting his stuff back into his closet. For a moment Reid just leaned against the doorframe and watched her. It was so weird to be back here, around the people he used to know. He felt so different but they remained the same. His eyes fell to his bed.

 _His..._ Reid hadn't owned anything in a long time. Before the hospital he also hadn't slept in a real bed in... he wasn't sure how long.

"I think the bath made me tired...", Reid mumbled before taking a few steps forward. He couldn't get into the bed, though. He didn't get permission. A part of his mind told him that he didn't need it, that this was his bed, but his fear, his conditioning was stronger.

JJ turned around and smiled slightly. "You should lay down.", She said and Reid decided that that was enough of a permission so he climbed into bed. JJ started to tuck him in and Reid was too tired to protest. His eyes were already falling shut.

Reid smiled lazily:"Yeah, maybe." He let JJ tuck him in until he was a warm and soft burrito-person.

"Try to get some sleep.", JJ said softly. Reid nodded slowly. Maybe it was the exhaustion or how warm and cozy he was right now but he didn't mind having her with him. He had missed her.

"Will you stay...", Spencer slurred, almost asleep.

"Of course, whatever you need, Spence...",JJ smiled and Reid let out a content sigh.

"Thanks Alex.", with that everything faded to black and Reid's mind fell into the dark.

~

Reid was asleep when Morgan returned from the Grocery store. JJ and him put the food away together. Lots of easily digestible stuff, bananas, oatmeal, toast, crackers, ingredients for soup. 

At first they were silent, both trapped in their own thoughts. JJ was the first one to speak up. 

"Don't take it personally-", she started but Derek already shook his head. 

"I'm not. I get it, I'm threatening to him, it's not me, it's men in general.", He shrugged. He was well aware that Spencer had been traumatized, over and over for months, by men like Morgan, men who were bigger and stronger.  
Of course he would feel threatened by him. 

"He'll get over it.", JJ said, reaching out to pat Derek's shoulder gently. 

Derek glanced up at her and gave her a sad smile. "You don't know that.", He said because none of them knew what would happen next. Morgan had no illusions about how severe Reid's trauma was. It was possible that Reid would never feel comfortable around him again. And as much as Derek hated it, as much as he wanted to be able to protect Spencer and make him feel safe, if it turned out that Spencer didn't want him around, if Derek stood in the way of him getting better, he'd leave Reid alone. But for now he'd stay and do whatever was needed of him. 

"How is he?", He asked and didn't attempt to hide how desperate he was. 

"I don't know. He's quiet. He managed a bath and I think he even liked it a little. He didn't panick when I changed his bandages.", JJ explained. 

"How bad are they?", Morgan asked and he knew that he didn't have to clarify. He saw the cuts on Reid's arm, the bruises on his face, the crucifix scar, but his back and thighs had to be the worst of it. 

JJ looked down at her hands, chewing on her lip. "It's really awful.", She then whispered, her voice thick with emotion. 

"Yeah... I figured.", Derek sighed. "Anything else?"

JJ glanced up at him before shrugging slightly. "He called me Alex right before he fell asleep.", She added. 

"Alex, like Alexandria?", Morgan asked.

"Yeah, I really think we need to find her, whoever she is, he cares about her a lot."

**_AN: I made some art of how I imagine Reid to look in this fic, check it out!_ **

<https://dead-cherry-bitch.tumblr.com/post/621749545231155200/dont-mind-me-im-just-posting-some-art-for-a>


	7. You still don't know my name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a long one today and it's not as devastating as the last ones. Don't get used to it. 
> 
> I'll put out a warning for drug abuse and also a disclaimer that the hardest drug I've ever done is weed and I've never even been on morphine so I have absolutely no clue what opioids feel like so all descriptions of that are to be taken with the largest grain of salt. 
> 
> Also, I'm in season 5 now and I promise that Rossi is gonna appear next chapter.

_"Alexandria... That's a pretty name.", Reid sighed, glancing up at her. His head was in her lap. They were in... their room. The Master granted the two of them a room, because they were his favourites. Because they behaved, because he tortured them and they said 'thank you' afterwards._

_"Beats Dyke, doesn't in?", she smirked. Reid could still remember what she looked like when he first saw her. Tiny and filled with rage. He prayed that the Master wouldn't break her. Praying had always been useless. Only the broken ones got privileges, only the broken ones survived._

_"And what do I call you?", Alexandria asked, smiling down at him, Reid reached out and wrapped one of her curls around his finger. He moved slowly. His mind was fuzzy and didn't work right. It were the drugs. They made everything slower, slower and easier. Was that how normal people felt? Did they also just manage one or two thoughts at a time? He didn't need to think as much, didn't need to feel any pain, he wasn't sure why he ever fought the drugs._

_"You're not supposed to call me anything aside from my assigned name. ", he replied. His voice didn't sound like his own, his mouth felt numb. A smile was plastered on his face._

_"Yeah, but I don't want to refer to you as Sissy in my head. Just tell me what to call you in my mind. ", Alexandria replied and Reid pulled a face at the mention of the name the Master called him._

_He let his eyes flit around the room for a moment, just making sure that they were by themselves._

_"Reid. ", he then replied. His own name felt weird in his mouth. He hadn't heard it in months._

_"Reid... The name fits you. ", Alexandria said, stretching his name like she was trying it out._

_"Better than Sissy?", He smirked. He felt like laughing. He felt like everything was okay._

_"Yeah, definitely. ", Alexandria chuckled before brushing a strand of hair out of Reid's face. She watched him for a while, saying nothing. Reid didn't like being looked at anymore. But when she did it it was okay. He felt like she didn't look at him with disgust or like he was a thing, even if he was._

_"Reid, you know I love you, right?", she then asked and Reid had to chuckle at that. It was absurd._

_"You hardly know me, I literally just told you my name a minute ago.", he pointed out, still laughing, he felt like he couldn't stop, his cheeks hurt, he couldn't feel it._

_Alexandria didn't laugh, she just watched him, one of her hands was stroking through Reid's hair, it had been so long that anyone had touched him with care. "Yeah, but names aren't important. Not when I know that you're kind, brave, intelligent. Loving you is easy. You're a lovable guy."_

_Reid pulled a face, shaking his head slightly. She couldn't love him. Nobody could. He was unlovable._

_"You're only thinking that because I'm your only friend.", He said and an exaggerated frown appeared on the face above his._

_"That's not true. I have many friends.", She stated and Reid had to laugh again. Everything was funny._

_"Okay, let me specify. Your only friend that is trapped in hell with you.", He giggled and Alexandria rolled with her eyes. Her eyes were huge, like two big black marbles._

_"Yeah but I think that I'd feel the same if we met in real life." He had noticed that she said that a lot. 'Real life'. Like this wasn't real, like this was just a nightmare that they'd eventually wake up from. Reid didn't judge her for having a coping mechanism. Not when he was the one who was currently drugged out of his mind._

_"I don't know, I think your affection is more based on shared suffering. It's something that happens to a lot of siblings from abusive households.", He went on and a crease formed between Alexandria's bushy eyebrows._

_"Like a trauma bond?", She asked and Reid shook his head, or at least he tried to. In reality his head probably just rolled from side to side._

_"No, trauma bonds actually only occur between a victim and their abuser.", he explained and Alexandria raised an eyebrow._

_"I thought that was Stockholm Syndrome."_

_"Trauma bonding is similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in which people held captive come to have feelings of trust or even affection for the very people who captured and held them against their will. This type of survival strategy can also occur in a relationship. That's trauma bonding, and it can occur when a person is in a relationship with a narcissist. Stockholm syndrome has been defined as a condition in which hostages develop a psychological alliance with their captors during captivity. But since it's so similar to the reactions of some abuse victims beyond the context of kidnappings or hostage-taking it's used interchangeably by some people. ", He explained, he might've started slurring halfway through._

_"How do you know all this? Sometimes you sound like a dictionary.", She smirked and Reid gave her a smile. Was it bitter? It might've been. He wasn't sure anymore. Everything was slipping away from him._

_"I used to read a lot.", He shrugged. Reid couldn't remember the last time he touched a book. Remembering was harder when he was high. He didn't hate it._

_"And you remember everything you read?", Alexandria asked and her voice sounded far away._

_"I don't really forget things."_

_"Ever?"_

_He simply shook his head._

_Alexandria pulled a face. She was lightly tugging at Reid's hair, he realized that she was untangling it for him. "That must suck. If I ever get out of here I'm gonna forget all about it. Or I'll try to, at least.", She mumbled, all humour gone._

_"Yeah, that isn't really an option for me.", Reid sighed. His mind wasn't what it used to be but he was sure that he'd never forget about this hell. Reid wondered if Alexandria would forget him, too. Everyone would eventually. And he'd remember forever. Cursed._

_"At least you won't be tempted to forget about me.", Alexandria said, a gentle smile pulling at her lips. It might've been the opioids that Reid was on or the shared suffering, but he just loved Alexandria so much. She was the only good thing in this hell hole. The one thing he'd want to remember._

_"I could never forget you, not even if I tried. ", He replied honestly and her smile widened before it suddenly dropped._

_"Wait, does that mean that you only like me because I'm your trauma buddy?", She then asked and Reid wasn't sure why but that was the funniest thing he heard in days._

_"Trauma buddy?", He giggled and Alexandria cracked another smile._

_"You know, we're buddies, who go through trauma together. ", She clarified and Reid was still laughing. Everything was good, everything was perfect. The drugs made it perfect._

_"Ah. No. Haven't you listened to me? I would've like you no matter what. You're great. ", He replied, still chuckling._

_"You're a hypocrite, Reid.", Alexandria smirked, rolling with her eyes again, they were rolling rolling rolling away._

_"Say my name again...", He breathed out, a smile still ghosting his lips. It had been so long since anyone had called him by his real name. Not Devil, or Sissy or all the other slurs that the master's men liked to call him._

_"Reid...", She repeated, slowly. God, it felt good to hear his own name. Reid might've cried if he wasn't so close to passing out._

_"I'm tired. ", He sighed and glanced up at Alexandria's soft smile._

_"You should sleep. I'll make sure that you don't choke on your of vomit in your sleep.", She said and Reid smiled, closing his eyes_

_"Thank you, Alex."_

~

"Good morning, sleepy head. ", JJ called out when she found Reid standing in the doorframe to his kitchen, squinting at the window and rubbing his head. He looked incredibly soft in that moment. His clothes were too big on him and his eyes were still bruised but his hair was clean and fluffy, and he looked sleepy and adorable.

"How long was I asleep?", He asked, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

"13 hours. The nurse said that that could happen. Your body needs time to heal itself. Did you sleep well?", She asked him and Reid pulled his eyebrows together into a thoughtful expression.

"Surprisingly, yes. What's all this?", He asked, his eyes wandering over to the pot of chicken soup that JJ was cooking.

"We need to get your weight back up and the best way for that are small portions of healthy easily digestible foods, at least 5 times a day.", She explained before pulling out a chair at Reid's table for him.

"5 times? ", He asked, baffled, before taking a seat. He winced slightly when he accidentally leaned against the back rest. He chose to hunch forward instead, resting his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands. A part of her wanted to reach out and brush a stray curl out of his face but she knew that he wouldn't appreciate that much so she didn't.

Instead she filled a bowl with the soup and placed it in front of him.

"Yes, 5, but that's a minimum. I'm aiming for 7 or 8. Now eat. I'll change your bandages after you've had breakfast.", She nodded before sitting down in front of him. Reid didn't argue with that. He just started to eat. It was a slow process. Even though the portion was small it took Reid forever. His hands were shaky and he seemed uncomfortable whenever he noticed JJ looking at him so she started reading a paper to give him some space.

Eventually he finished his bowl and pushed it across the table, over to JJ. "All done. Can I have a coffee now?", He asked and JJ hoped that she didn't imagine the hint of humour in his voice, the slightest shadow of s smile on his lips.

"Haha, very funny. ", she commented sarcastically before pulling out the pill divider that she had filled with Reid's meds. She let it slide over the table top into Reid's open hand. "Here are your meds. You can have a tea if you want. ", She then added as Reid took a look at the contents of the pill divider.

"What are those?", He asked, looking through the colorful pills as if he was seeing them for the first time.

"Don't you remember Diaz explaining them all to you?", JJ asked, raising an eyebrow. The nurse had explained each medication and how to correctly administer it before handing them over. Reid was present and seemed to be listening at the time.

"I think I zoned out during that part. ", Reid admitted before taking out the pills he was supposed to take now and lining them up in a neat row on the table.

"Does this happen a lot?", JJ asked carefully. She had noticed that Reid wasn't always... present. It's like the lights were on but nobody's home.

Reid didn't answer her question, he didn't look at her either. Instead he just stared at his meds before asking:"So? What are they?"

JJ resisted the urge to sigh. So they weren't talking about this now, okay. She decided to go along with what Reid was comfortable with. JJ leaned over the edge of the table until her head almost brushed against Reid's.

"Okay, we have regular pain killers, vitamin and mineral supplements and stuff for your weakened immune system.", She explained, pointing out each of the pills.

"Stuff.", Reid repeated, glancing up at JJ with a slight smirk on his lips and JJ was convinced that she didn't imagine it this time.

"I'm no doctor.", She shrugged and Reid's mouth twitched like he was about to smile. Instead he wiped his hand over the table, brushing the pills into his open palm before throwing them into his mouth and swallowing them dry.

"I'd take a tea now. ", He then said and JJ gave him an encouraging nod before jumping up from her seat.

"Okay. I'll turn on the kettle. We can take care of your wounds while the water boils."

Reid didn't protest, he didn't do that at all, JJ noticed. She wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

She led him back to his bedroom and they repeated the routine they followed yesterday. Just like before Reid did everything he was told but JJ felt like he retreated into his mind. One minute he was there, the next he was gone and she seemed to be handling an empty shell. It was startling.

His back was a completely different beast. The cuts from his whippings were bad enough but the scars were worse. JJ had to resist the urge to cry every time she saw them. On his lower back, right above his but, someone had carved the words Master's Whore into Reid's skin. Like a tramp stamp. The cuts had healed already but they had left thick nasty scars. She didn't even know if Reid was aware of them, so she didn't mention them.

Once she was finished and stepped away from him he seemed to snap out of his vacant state.

"You can get dressed now. ", JJ said and Reid made his way over to his closet. JJ turned her back on him to give him some privacy and started to put away their medical supplies.

"JJ?", Reid called out, sounding confused. She turned around to face him and found him, still with his shirt off, staring at a fresh sweater in his hand. JJ hadn't known how many sweaters the man owned because he always wore button ups in public.

"Yes?"

"Why does my closet smell like you.?", Reid asked and a red embarrassment flushed all throughout JJ's face.

"Does it?", She asked, her voice a little shaky. She hadn't really planned on letting Reid know how creepy she had been while he was missing.

"Yeah. Definitely. ", the man nodded, pressing his nose into the fabric to make sure.

"I- I used to take your clothes out and smell them... I'm sorry-", JJ confessed, nervously chewing on her lip.

"Why?", Reid asked, a frown appearing on his face. JJ was surprised by that question, she thought that it was obvious.

"Because I missed you.", JJ stated 'Are you mad?", She then asked carefully.

Reid looked at her for a moment, his head cocked to one side like he was trying to figure something out. "No. Now they smell like you. And I missed you, too. ", He then replied with a shrug before pulling the sweater on.

JJ gave him a relieved smile before they both left for the living room.

"You can sit on the couch or wherever you want. I'll make you a tea. ", She called out, already rushing to the kitchen where the kettle was done boiling. She prepared a tea and returned to the living room where she found Reid, sitting on his couch. He hat pulled his legs to his chest and was flipping through a book. It was strange to see him like this, he looked so much like himself but also completely different.

It was horrifying at first, seeing how much he had changed. There were moments where she looked at him, saw that vacant look in his eyes, endured his deafening silence, and she wondered if the old Spencer was still in there. But then he'd say something that sounded so much like himself and JJ gained hope again.

"Here. For you.", JJ said, coming in and handing the cup to Reid. He put the book down but stayed curled up. His hand was shaking so much that he had to grab the cup with both hands and he rested it on top of his knees.

JJ sat down on a nearby armchair, trying hard to not watch him like a hawk. An irrational part of her mind feared that she'd blink and he'd be gone.

"What did you tell my mom?", He suddenly asked, glancing up from his tea. "I used to write her letters every day. What did you tell her when I stopped?", He asked and JJ could tell that he was afraid of the answer.

"The truth. That you went missing in action. That we were searching for you.", She replied and Reid nodded slowly, staring off at nothing.

"And how did she take it?", he asked and his voice had this hollow tone that send shivers down JJ's spine.

"It... was really bad for a while. But she'll be happy to see you.", JJ replied. She could still hear Diana Reid's agonized screams. At first she thought that they were lying. Then she thought that they had killed her baby. JJ couldn't blame her, she felt like it was all her fault anyways.

"Have you told her already?", he asked sharply, his eyes snapping towards her, he uncurled from his position and sat up straight and tense.

"No. Not yet.", She shook her head and Spencer was visibly relieved.

"Good.", He nodded before taking a sip of his tea, sagging a little in his seat. "I need more time. She can't see me- not like this-"

"Is that why you didn't tell the nurses who you were? You didn't want us to see you?", JJ asked carefully. She had been thinking about this for a while now. Ever since he told her that he wasn't mad but couldn't explain why he avoided them ,she wondered why. And yesterday when he asked her to not look at himself she had an idea.

Spencer didn't look at her, staring into space, slowly sipping his tea. "You know the answer to that. ", He then whispered and JJ's heart sank.

"Spence, why would you think that? We spend months looking for you, we love you!", She argued and Reid flinched at the word love as if she had slapped him.

A smile pulled at Reid's lips, a bitter, twisted thing. He avoided JJ's eyes.   
"JJ, look at me.", he then sighed. "I'm a nightmare. I'm not- me anymore. I'm disgusting and repulsive and damaged. I just don't want you seeing me like this."

Reid sounded aloof, detached, like he didn't care for the horrible things he said about himself. Like this was just one of the many facts that he had learned in his life. But when he was finished she could see it in his eyes, that he did care, that he was mangling himself, that he was in pain.

JJ got up from her chair and crouched down in front of him. "Hey, Spence...now _you_ look at _me_.", She ordered while still keeping her voice as gentle as possible. Once he looked at her it was reluctant, his eyes were shimmering. If he started crying now JJ wouldn't be able to hold back anymore. "You're the smartest person I know but you're _wrong_. ", She stated, her tone determined.

"You're not disgusting or damaged or any of those things. You were hurt by horrible people but you _survived_. You're not a nightmare, you're a _survivor_.", She said, her voice thick with emotion. Her eyes started to burn.

Spencer glanced at the ceiling, his eyes were swimming in tears, too. A pained chuckle escaped him. "You don't know what I did JJ, you don't know all the disgusting things-", he started but JJ didn't let him finish. No way in hell she'd let Spencer talk about himself like he was the villain.

"-that you were forced to do to survive. Whatever it is, none of us would ever judge you for it. ", She insisted.

Reid leaned his head back and let out a shaky sigh. "I can't believe you... I'm sorry...", He whispered brokenly and the tears finally spilled. It was devastating but JJ couldn't let that show. If Spencer was giving up on himself she couldn't be hopeless, too. She had to pull him through this. She owed it to him.

"We'll work on that.",she nodded, trying to sound optimistic but she couldn't stop her own tears from trailing down her cheeks. "But please- don't lock yourself away from us. We already lost you once.", She pleaded.

Reid raised his head and looked down at her again, their eyes finally meeting again.

"I'm not the same.", He said, like a warning, like an apology.

"We don't expect you to be.", JJ replied, shaking her head a little. She held her hand out, offering it to him.

For a moment he only stared at it before lowering his guard just a little and reaching out. His hand was warm in JJ's hand, a sign that he was alive, that he was real.

"Okay..."he croaked and JJ's couldn't resist the smile that pulled at her lips. All hope wasn't lost.

Suddenly the door to the living room was slammed open and Reid flinched so hard that he spilled some of his tea.

"Reid?!", Morgan called out, looking alarmed. He had gone off to their office this morning to check out how the investigations were going. Now he was hectic and out of breath.

"Morgan, what's wrong?", JJ asked as little too sharply. Reid looked shaken up, he was trembling a little. Morgan noticed too and seemed sorry but whatever made him storm in like this was more important.

"Reid, Penelope found a girl that matches your description of Alexandria. ", he stated, addressing Reid directly. At the mention of Alexandria Reid's mind focused immediately. He straighten his back and leaned forward in his seat. "Is this your friend?", Morgan then asked, pulling out a photograph of a young woman who looked like the girl that Reid had described to him.

Reid's eyes widened and he took the picture out of Morgan's hand. JJ held her bresth. "It's her... ", He then gasped and a tiny laugh escaped him, desperate and almost hysterical. "Is she-?", He then asked, glancing up at Morgan and in that moment JJ send out a prayer. She had to be alive, Spencer needed this right now.

Morgan flashed a smile, wide and glorious and relief washed through JJ.

"Yeah, she's alive. She escaped."


	8. You weren't happy, I wasn't sane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh the comments from the last chapter were amazing! Thank you very much. 
> 
> This chapter gets a warning for mentions of gory stuff?? And also very dark humor? I don't know how else to describe it. But hey! Rossi finally makes a short appearance!

"How is he doing?", Penelope asked, her voice hushed. They were at their office. JJ was supposed to arrive with Spencer soon. Ever since Spencer had identified Alexandria, things had moved pretty quickly. 

They found out that Alexandria Barron was 21 years old and got abducted 10 months ago after a rave gone wrong. She had reappeared roughly 3 months ago and her case had been under investigation by the human trafficking division of the FBI since then.

They had contacted her and at the mention of Reid she decided to travel to Quantico to see him. Now they were waiting for both of them.

"Don't know, he barely talks to me. JJ is the only one he lets remotely close to him. ", Morgan mumbled, crossing his arms. He had kept his distance since Reid came home. He felt like he was only stressing him out.

"Oh, Sugar, are you jealous?", Penelope asked, but she didn't sound like she was mocking him. It sounded like genuine concern.

"I'm not, I get it, I'm threatening, but I don't know what to do about that. ", Morgan sighed and Penelope gave him a pitying smile.

"Give him time, babe. He'll come around. ", she told him, patting his arm before looking over to the entrance of the office.  
"There he comes!", She whispered and Morgan followed her eyes.

Reid and JJ came through the door. He hadn't seen Reid since yesterday, since he told him that they had found his friend. He didn't expect for him to seem any different but he did.

He still looked miserable but there was a nervous energy about him that was new. His eyes shot around the room frantically as if he was searching for someone. Morgan realized that he was looking for Alexandria. When he didn't find her his eyes found Penelope's and a small shy smile pulled at his lips.

He came to a halt a few feet away from them, keeping a safe distance. "Hey Garcia.",he said, his voice cracking. It was too soon to be sure but Morgan feared that Reid's voice was permanently damaged and altered. The constant rasp didn't improve at all.

"Reid-", Garcia breathed out, a wide smile spreading on her lips. She took a step forwards and Morgan knew that she wanted to hug Spencer but remembered what they had told her about Reid's issues with physical contact. "Can I- Would you be okay if I hugged you?", She asked carefully.

Reid went stiff, drawing his shoulders up and taking a step back. "I-don't- I wouldn't-", he stammered, glueing his eyes to the floor but Penelope was quick to defuse the situation.

"It's okay, we don't have to, I'm just happy to see you. ", She said and Reid relaxed a little, looking up at her again.

"Me too. ", He replied, a smile ghosting his lips."When will she be here?", He then asked, impatiently glancing at a clock.

"She should be here any minute.", a male voice said and Reid turned around to face David Rossi who was crossing the room and cooking over to them.

They hadn't told Reid about Gideon's disappearance yet so Rossi wasn't a topic either. He hadn't joined them when they went to Pittsburgh, holding down the fort in Quantico instead.

"So you are the Spencer Reid I've heard so much about. ", He greeted him but didn't offer his hand, keeping Reid's boundaries in mind.

Reid's eyes went comically wide but for the first time it wasn't shock or fear, but awe. "You're David Rossi... What- I thought that you had retired.", he stammered.

"Well, I decided that I wasn't done yet. It's an honour to meet you, the team is very dedicated to you. ", Rossi explained and Reid let out a startled laugh.

"An honour to meet me? You- you are David Rossi! I read all of your books. Your interviews with criminals like Bundy and Manson. You- You're an FBI legend! If it's okay with you I'd like to ask you don't questions about your work with the Scarsdale Skinner. Psycho-linguistics is an incredibly dynamic field, and the fact that your profile of his reading habits ultimately led to his capture is incredibly- ", Reid started to ramble and suddenly he sounded so much like himself that Morgan's chest grew tight. But then his voice broke off and he snapped out of it.

"Sorry- I'm rambling. I'll stop.", he mumbled, withdrawing into himself again.

"No, it's okay.", JJ encouraged him but Reid only shook his head slightly before running his hands through his hair nervously. He had lowered his eyes to the floor again.

"I- I'll got to the bathroom if that's okay...", he then croaked out and once JJ gave him a nod he took off. Morgan had noticed how Reid asked for permission for basically everything, he wasn't even sure if Reid himself noticed that he was doing it.

"You're the first thing he shows genuine interest in, you better be nice.", JJ then told Rossi, her tone stern.

"I'm always nice!", Rossi exclaimed, clearly taking offence to that.

"No, you're not. You've got that whole tough love thing which is fine but he's too fragile for that. ", She replied and Rossi held his hands up in defense.

"I'll be on my best behaviour. ", He promised when suddenly the door opened again and Emily came rushing through, a phone pressed to her ear.

"They're here. ", She said to whoever was on the other side of that call. Judging by the fact that Hotch came out of his office, his own phone still in his hand, he had been the one Emily had called.

"Alex, baby, slow down. ", a female voice yelled from outside the door.

"Leave me alone, I need to see him.", Another woman replied and then she came. Alexandria Barron.

The first thing Morgan noticed was that she was tiny. Not only short but also very meager. He wondered how bad she must've looked 3 months ago. The second thing was her limp, the braces on her right leg and her cane.  
The third was the determined expression on her face.

She headed straight for Morgan and his team while an older woman that had to be her mother followed close behind her. "Is he here? Is he-", Alexandria asked before a quiet voice spoke up.

"Alex...", Reid whispered, pushing past Morgan and Penelope until the two were face to face.

"Reid!", the girl gasped out, crossing the distance between them and launching herself into Reid's arms. Reid didn't flinch, didn't cower away, he wrapped his arms around her immediately. They held onto each other for dear life, both unwilling to let go, both trembling violently.

"Oh god, is it you? Is it really you?!", she gasped out separating just ever so slightly to look at Reid's face, cupping it with her hands.

"Yes, yes, I can't believe you're real.", Spencer let out a broken sob before leaning his forehead against hers. 

"I thought you were dead or sold- they searched the range but you were gone-", Alex stammered, her breath starting to hitch as she started to cry as well. 

"You went back-?", Reid gasped. They hadn't told him about the FBI investigation yet.

"Of course- I didn't mean to abandon you- it just took so long to find the range and when the FBI did you weren't there.", Alex explained, sounding incredibly guilty.

"Did they-", Reid asked, his voice shaking. He didn't need to finish the question. Alex seemed to know what he was asking for.

"No, the Master wasn't there, he got away. I'm so sorry-", she replied shaking her head. 

Reid flinched like he was punched and it seemed to take a moment for him to fully process Alex' words. "For what?", He asked, glancing down at her. 

"Just... Everything...", Alex replied with a shuddering sob before burying her face in his shoulder. 

"I think, maybe we should give them a little privacy.", Hotch suggested. He had joined their group by now.

"I'm not leaving my daughter with a stranger-", the other woman, Alex' mother, exclaimed.

Alex carefully separated from Reid, not completely, just enough to look her mother in her face. "Mom. It's Reid. It's okay."

~

"I can't believe that you're really here. I thought that I had lost you.", Alex said, a wide teary smile on her face. 

They had sat down in the BAU conference room where they could have 'a little privacy'. They had sat down in separate chairs but they had pulled them so close together that their knees were brushing against each other and that they could still hold hands.

"Are you mad at me?", She then asked, glancing down, not meeting Reid's eyes.

"No... Why would I be?", He asked, shaking his head. He was nowhere near mad. Relieve had washed over him as soon as he had seen her. She was here, alive, real.

"I escaped. And I left, without you. ", She shrugged before giving him a careful glance. 

"You didn't have a choice in that-", Reid replied. He had never blamed Alex for that, he had just hoped that she had made it out alive. But apparently this wasn't the only thing she felt guilty for.

"And the drugs. What about the drugs, Reid? I mean, I-", she went on and Reid had to fight the urge to curl up in a ball. He didn't want to think about that, about needles under his skin, about how good it felt to feel nothing at all.

"You didn't have a choice in that either.", He stated quickly, cutting her off. 

"But I did...", She whispered and Reid couldn't talk about this, not now, not ever.

"Not really, you were... trying to help...", he said, his voice tight, his mouth dry. 

They fell silent for a moment. Alex looked down at their hands while Reid watched her. 

She looked different. She was still a little too skinny but she had definitely gained some weight, her cheeks weren't as hollow anymore. There were no more bruises on her face but the cane and the brace were new. The injury must have happened during her escape. Her hair was clean and neat but she had cut it off into a short bob. She looked alive, Reid knew that he didn't.

"You look amazing, you cut your hair. ", He pointed out and she smiled up at him. God, how he had missed her smile.

"Yeah, my therapist gave me that idea. Something about reclaiming my body.", She shrugged. "You look better, too. ", She then added and Reid couldn't help but to let out a dry laugh at that.

He was aware of how he looked. But with Alex he didn't feel the need to hide away. She had seen him at his absolute worst. Reid knew that she'd never judge him or be disgusted by him. She was save, comfortable.

"You're a shit liar.", He smirked and she gasped theatrically.

"I'm not! You really do! You're off the drugs, aren't you?", She asked and there they were again, at Reid's favourite topic.

"Yeah, the guy they sold me to didn't feel like financing my vice. So I went through a cold withdrawal.", He replied as shortly as possible. In hindsight he was glad that he got off the drugs before he escaped. He was already in an awful condition and hated that his friends had to witness him like this. If he had still been hooked on Dilaudid that would've only made it worse. But at the time his withdrawal had been awful, pure torture, done to him by his own body.

"Was he bad, the new one?", Alex asked carefully. One of her thumbs was gently brushing over the back of Reid's hand. 

He remembered blood and agony, he remembered thinking that he'd die in that basement.

"Yeah... You could say that. ", He mumbled and Alex gently squeezed his hand. It was ridiculous how comforting she was.

"How did you escape?", She asked and Reid let out a humourless laugh.

"I killed him. Played the brainless sex toy until he lowered his guard, then I stabbed him... a couple of times... ", He confessed. Reid knew that he should feel remorse for what he did, not simply ending a life but going on after he was already dead. He didn't though. He felt nothing. "How did you do it?", Reid then asked.

Alex flashed the same brand of bitter smile that Reid wore. "You remember the guy that was supposed to bring me to the new buyer?", She asked. Reid nodded. The image of Alex getting thrown into the back of a van, out of his reach, was permanently burned into his mind.

"Yeah, skinny penis. Right?", he clarified. They had never learned any of the names of their tormentors so the two of them came up with nicknames for them. They made fun of them because it helped. Humour had always helped them.

"Yeah, he wanted to have some fun for one last time and... Let's just say that I bit his dick off. ", She replied and Reid's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"What?!", he asked with a startled laugh and Alex smiled back, shrugging slightly.

"Yeah. ", She said simply.

"Is that why he didn't fuck any of us after he came back?", He then asked and Alex let out a soft laugh.

"Can't fuck without his skinny penis. ", She grinned and Reid shook his head in disbelief.

"You really did that, wow. I'm impressed. ", He said, completely genuine. He would be lying if he said that he hadn't fantasized about permanently castrating each and every man that had ever touched him. He'd never judge Alex for acting on those urges. 

"Not gonna lie. It was very satisfying to hear him scream for a change.", She admitted and Reid nodded along 

"Yeah, I get what you mean.", He agreed, because he did. He didn't like it but he did understand.

"How are you?", He then asked. She had been free for 3 months now. She looked better and she had always been stronger than him but he was still desperate to know how things had been for her since they were torn apart.

"Okay, all things considered.", Alex sighed, sagging a little in her seat. " I mean, I'm fucked up for life, don't get me wrong. I moved back in with my mom. I see a therapist twice a week, I take a bunch of meds and panic every time a man gets even remotely close to me. But, you know, life goes on. ", She shrugged before looking up at him again, honest and open. "What about you?"

That was a loaded question. "I don't know.", He admitted. "I feel... Out of place, just wrong in general. I have no clue what to do now." He sat around at home all day, unsure of what to do with himself, unsure of how to be a person anymore. He couldn't focus on anything, couldn't stop thinking about everything. _Couldn't stop-_

"How long has it been since you escaped?", Alex asked, gently pulling Reid out of his thoughts.

Reid counted back silently before replying. "8 days."

Alex eyes went wide and she leaned forward in her seat. Her grip on his hands tightened. "What?! 8 days?! How are you here?!", She asked, completely baffled.

"I just am.", Reid shrugged. He hadn't thought much about how quickly they had moved him back home, if it had been wise or not.

"When I was found the FBI questioned me but I was in the hospital for a month. I was under intense psychological care... And I also had to go through physical therapy because of this thing.", She explained before tapping against her braced knee. "That was annoying as fuck, by the way.", She commented before getting back on topic. "I was a wreck. But you... How are you here?!"

"I have friends in high places.", Reid replied simply and Alex rolled with her eyes.

"Yeah, your FBI team. You never told me that you were a fed, Dr Spencer Reid. You know, I googled you on the way here.", She pointed out and Reid let out a sigh.

"I figured, if the Master and his men somehow found out then I'd be killed.", He confessed. "Sorry."

"It's okay, that's not what I ment anyways. ", Alex waved him off. "How are you... fine?"

"I'm not...", Spencer said, unable to hold back the bitter laugh. "I'm further away from fine than I could've ever imagined."

"Yeah, but you're keeping it together pretty good, if you ask me.", Alex argued, squeezing Reid's hands a little tighter. "And I know what I'm talking about.", She added with a smile so kind and genuine that Reid felt like he was melting.

"I missed you a lot, you know?", He said, his voice thick with emotion and her smile widened.

"I missed you, too. And guess what.",she grinned.

"What?"

Alex pulled him closer until their faces were only inches apart. "We're out. And I still love you. ", She whispered and for the first time in over a year Reid felt kind of okay.  
  
  



	9. Yeah, I know wrong, I know right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we have another Reid&Alex focused chapter. I wanna know what you think of her? I know OCs aren't super popular and I haven't decided yet how present she should be in the story, so drop your thoughts on if I should make her a main or just a reappearing character in the comments.
> 
> Also, a warning for drug abuse, discussion of drug addictions, implied non-con and mentions of suicide.

_"Shhhh shhh", Alex hushed quietly. They had brough Reid back to their room maybe twenty minutes ago, keeping track of time was difficult in their windowless chamber._

_"Alex-", Reid croaked out, his voice barely there, tears streaming down his face. It was bad. It hadn't been this bad in a while. He was bleeding down there, badly, his body was littered with bruises, someone had choked him. They had him for hours._

_"Shhh", Alex repeated, gently stroking her hands through his hair. She had turned Reid on his stomach and pulled his face into her lap. He was too exhausted to move by himself._

_"Alex... If I asked you for it, would you kill me?", he whispered and her chest grew tight._

_"Don't say stuff like that.", She said, trying to not sound hysteric. Reid said stuff like that all the time now. She knew that she was loosing him, that he was breaking, she had seen it often enough to recognise the signs. The hopelessness in his eyes, the defeat, the resignation. She had seen several men and women end themselves and even more just lay down one day and not get up the next. She couldn't let that happen to Reid though. Seeing him shatter might just give her the rest._

_"Alex-", Reid whined. He was in pain, unspeakable agony, both mental and physical. Alex could make it stop, even if just for a little, even if he'd hate her for it later._

_"No, shut up!", She snapped, more at herself than Reid but the man in her lap still flinched. That didn't make him stop though, he wasn't afraid of Alex just because she snapped at him once._

_"I just want it to stop hurting, make it stop... Please...", he pleaded and Alex was glad that he had his face turned away from her, or else he might see the guilt on it._

_Her eyes fell onto the syringe, the little bottle and the belt that were dropped beside the door. The Master had started to keep Dilaudid in Reid's reach, to keep him tempted, to keep him hooked. He let him drug himself because he knew that Reid needed it. And the fact that Reid was doing it to himself only added to the self loathing. It only destroyed him quicker._

_She knew that Reid didn't want the drugs, that he hadn't started talking them voluntarily. But she also knew that keeping him high kept him from killing himself._

_That's how she justafied what she was doing. She was only keeping him alive, she was only lessening the pain, even if that ment that she left Reid docile, vulnerable and easy to manipulate._

_"Okay... I'll stop the pain, okay?",she whispered before gently lifting Reid up until she could get up to get the drugs. When she came back she positioned Reid so that he was leaning with his back against her chest._

_She tied the belt around the top of Reid's arm before filling the syringe with the Dilaudid. Then she searched for a vein in the crook of Reid's arm. The countless track marks made her sick._

_He didn't react at all when she pierced his skin with the needle but once the drugs entered his system a low moan escaped him and his eyes fluttered shut._

_For a few minutes it was silent, the sound of Alex' breathing and Reid's moans was the only sound between them. Then his head lolled to one side and his eyes opened a tiny crack. Alex never got used to how insane he looked, with the tiny pupils and the wide smile on his lips._

_"Thank you...", He sighed and Alex was disgusted with herself._

_"I'm sorry...", She whispered but she knew that Reid didn't care. He didn't care about anything when he was high, that was the point._

_"It's okay...", He giggled before reaching out to take her hand. Alex took his and squeezed it gently, wondering if he could feel it at all._

_"Tell me something...", he sighed, tucking his head underneath her chin._

_"About what?"_

_"About you. Tell me about the people you love-", he replied, his voice slurring a little. He'd probably pass out soon._

_"Have you developed a sadistic streak or why would you ask me about that?", She smirked and Reid let out a quiet chuckle._

_"No... I'm just curious...wanna know what life you'll go back to once you get out.", he replied and there it was again. **Once you get out**. Like he saw her escaping but not himself._

_"Once we get out.", She correct and he twitched with his shoulders, maybe it was supposed to be a shrug._

_"If you say so...", He sighed._

_"Alright. I was in college before this happened.", she started but Reid interrupted her immediately._

_"What was your major?"_

_"Art.", She replied and Reid smirked which quickly turned into full on giggling._

_"Stop laughing at me!", She exclaimed._

_"I'm not, go on. ", He returned, still laughing. She waited until he had calmed down a little before going on._

_"I lived with a friend of mine, Lizzie. I miss her a lot. I also miss my mom and my brother. I hope that they take care of each other while I'm gone. I wonder if my dad knows, if he cares at all. "_

_Reid stopped laughing by now. Alex had warned him that it wasn't exactly a fun topic to talk about_

_"What about you?", She then asked and Reid did his little shrug-twitch thing._

_"I'm worried for my mom. She's... A paranoid schizophrenic. She lives in a home. I used to write her a letter every day and now she's all alone.", He replied moment later, he sounded like he was about to fall asleep. Alex didn't try to hide the tears that started to fill her eyes. He was so good, so innocent and lovely and now he was stuck in this hell hole. Nothing was fair and everything hurt._

_"I miss my friends.", Reid then added and he sounded sad, he had to be absolutely devasted if he managed to sound sad when he was high. Normally he was the happiest when he was as far removed from reality as possible._

_"Any lovers?", Alex then asked and Reid let out a humourless smirk._

_"Haha, very funny, what about you?"_

_"I was seeing this girl but we've only been dating for a week so I don't think that the chances of her waiting for me are very high. ", Alex joked and Reid let out a giggle._

_"You're gay and an art major?"_

_"Total stereotype, I know. Now it's your turn. ", She ordered and Reid glanced up at her with his too small pupils._

_"With what?",he asked, pulling his eyebrows together._

_"Lovers.", Alex reminded him. His attention span wasn't the best._

_"Don't have any.", He shrugged, glancing away._

_"Really? A cute guy like you? Come on, there has to be someone. ", She argued and she was completely serious but Reid laughed like she made a joke._

_"Well, there was this guy... He was a colleague of mine... And a friend. I've had a crush on him forever... But I don't think that he had any idea. I think he saw me as a little brother. I also think he's straight, so no, there aren't any lovers.", He then explained but his voice started to fizzle out more and more._

_"Ah... Straight men, the bane of my existence.", Alex chuckled, letting her hand glide through Reid's hair. When he didn't reply she leaned his had back a bit to see that he had passed out._

_"I'm so sorry...", She whispered, placing a gentle kiss on her friend's forehead._

_She was definitely going to hell for this._

~

"So that's her...", JJ mumbled, glancing through the window of the office that Reid and Alexandria were sitting in. They were just sitting across from each other and holding hands while they talked and talked and talked. Morgan hadn't seen Reid laugh like this once since he came back. There was a sense of ease around the two, they just seemed comfortable with each other. "I think we need to watch out for them. Their relationship could quickly turn codependent", JJ then added and Morgan raised an eyebrow .

"Have you seen them? I think it's a little too late for that.", He pointed out. So far Alexandria was the only one Reid seemed to fully trust.

"I'm just glad that he seems comfortable with her. That he can still let someone close to him. ", JJ shrugged and Morgan was surprised by the pained tone in her voice.

"He lets you close to him. ", He pointed out and JJ let out a sigh.

"Yes, but only because he has to. He's tolerating me. ", She explained. 

"At least he's willing to look at you. " Morgan didn't mean to sound bitter. He knew he did thought. But it wasn't like he resented Reid for keeping his distance, he'd never hold that against him.

"Do you know why he will barely look at us? Why he hid away for 4 days?", JJ asked and Morgan raised his eyebrows. Had she really dared to ask him that?

"Why?"

JJ looked over at him, her expression sorrowful. "Because he's ashamed. It's not that he doesn't want to look at us, he doesn't want us looking at him. ", She explained and Morgan's heart broke for his friend. It had done that so many times in the past year that by now nothing but dust should be left of it.

"That's ridiculous.", He breathed out, even though somewhere, deep in the corners of his mind, the places he didn't like to go, he understood. Abuse like this was always connected with shame for the victim.

" _You_ know that. _I_ know that. _He_ doesn't.", JJ nodded towards the glass before they both realized that Reid and Alexandria had stopped talking and were both staring at them. _Shit_. 

"Uhh... Guys... You are aware that the office door is open and that this isn't a soundproof room? We can hear... Everything. ",Reid then explained and his voice was a little muffled but still completely understandable. _**Shit**._

"Oh god, sorry. ", JJ gasped, already blushing with embarrassment.

"How about you stop profiling me." It wasn't worded as a question and Reid was clearly pissed off so Morgan took JJ by her arm and pulled her away from the window.

"We're sorry.", He yelled back but Reid had already returned his attention to Alexandria.

~

"They mean well...", Alex said with a knowing smile. She knew how annoying it was when everyone around you treated you like a time bomb, or like you were made of glass, but they were just trying to do everything they could for someone that was out of control.

"Yes I know, but I'm still in the defensive stage of mourning myself. ", Reid replied. He had gotten up to close the door and now that he had sat down again, he started spinning on his office chair.

"Mourning yourself? You theatric fuck, it's not like you died or anything. ", Alex chuckled and Reid stopped his spinning to face her.

"I might as well have. ", He said with a shrug before taking up the spinning again. 

For a while Alex just watched him. She couldn't get enough of looking at him. He seemed so different.

Not his appearance necessarily. That somehow managed to be better and worse than she was used to. He was cleaned up, his hair was neat and he was dressed in more clothes than Alex had ever seen him in. Checkered pants, a purple button-up, black converse and mismatched socks. Apparently that was how Dr. Spencer Reid looked when he wasn't enslaved by a sex trafficking ring. He looked almost normal, except for all the ways in which he didn't. He looked starved and the bruises around his eyes were fading but had to be painful none the less. 

It wasn't just the visual though. Reid was sharper, much clearer than she was used to. He had always been intelligent but back at the range he had been much... foggier. Alex quickly realized that that was because he was sober now. She had never witnessed him off the drugs.

"Do you think we are codependent?", She asked him and this time Reid didn't stop spinning. He just stared at the ceiling and started rattling down information that he just had stored somewhere in his brain.

"Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.", He explained, his voice going a mile a minute. That was also new, the fast speaking, it was much harder to keep up with him when he was like this.

"You didn't answer my question. ", Alex pointed out and he came to a halt once more.

"Do you feel like we're enabling irresponsible, addictive or underachieving behaviour in each other?", He asked and Alex knew that he didn't think that, that he was kidding, but it was hard for Alex to laugh about that after the things that she had done.

"I mean, not irresponsible, we're both too paranoid for that, and I think we get a free pass for being underachieving for a while after what we went through. But the addictive part...", She said, carefully. Reid's reaction was still instantaneous.

"Not this again. ", He groaned leaning back in his chair until he was staring at the ceiling.

"Yes, this again!", Alex exclaimed. She'd rather hash this out now than ignoring it until Reid suddenly realized that he hated her.

"I'm done talking about it. ", He shrugged, still just staring up like this conversation didn't matter.

"You need to talk about it first to be done with it! You're telling me that you don't resent me? Not even a little bit?", She asked, challenging him. Reid jumped up from his chair, clearly agitated, but Alex didn't flinch back. Reid wasn't a threat to her, he'd never hurt her, not like she had hurt him. 

"No! I don't!", He snapped but Alex didn't believe him. And even if he ment it, she couldn't imagine that that was healthy, that that was okay. 

"I made you docile for them, I administered the drugs-", she argued, getting heated as well. 

"Yes, because I needed them, I was already a drug addict before you met me!", Reid spat and his words dripped with disgust and Alex was horrified, not because he was disgusted with her, no, because he was disgusted with himself. She could relate, but Reid shouldn't have a reason to feel this way.

"You begged me not to!", She exclaimed and her voice cracked halfway through, almost breaking off completely. 

For a moment everything was silent, Reid had frozen in place and then he took a step back, looking confused and lost. "I don't remember that.", He mumbled. 

"Yeah, because I drugged you. ", Alex whispered and she could feel her eyes burning. 

Reid seemed to snap out of his thoughts again and his eyes refocused on Alex, his eyebrows pulled together into a frown and he quickly crossed the distance between them until he finally knelt down in front of her chair, taking her hand with one of his and cupping her face with the other.

"Hey, listen, it doesn't matter.", He said quietly and gently, like he could tell that Alex was seconds away from turning into a puddle of tears... Again. "It made it easier, you made it easier. It doesn't matter to me, I don't blame you... Okay?", He whispered reassuringly and Alex wanted to believe him so badly but she couldn't.

"I still feel like a monster.", She admitted but Reid was already shaking his head. 

"You're not, you're good person who was trapped in a messed up situation, trying to help a friend.", He said and he sounded so determined that a part of Alex knew that he ment it. She was just scared of what that said about the nature of their relationship.

"Are you sure?", She asked and she hated how whiny her voice sounded.

"Yes I am.", Reid nodded, leaving no doubt that he really believed that. Alex wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

"By the way, please don't mention the drugs in front of my friends. They don't know.", He then added, effectively giving Alex a new issue to focus on. 

"They don't?", She asked, her eyes wide. Reid groaned once more and let go off her but didn't get up, instead he just turned his back on her and sat down on the floor, leaning his back again her legs. The bastard was hiding his face so that he could lie better.

"But how are you supposed to stay sober then?", Alex asked. Didn't addicts need a supportive environment that knows about their addiction?

"I can do that by myself. They already think I'm a wreck, I don't really want to add to that. ",He then replied with a shrug but Alex didn't buy it. She laid a hand on his forehead and pulled it back until his head was resting on her knees and he was looking up at her.

"Are you sure?", She asked, keeping a careful eye on his expression.

"Yes." It didn't seem like a lie so Alex decided to drop the topic... For now. 

"On another note, was that him?", She then asked and Reid pulled his eyebrows together again.

"Who?"

"Morgan. The colleague that you're... You know.", Alex asked, daring to smile a little.

Reid pulled a face, which was already enough of an answer but then he also exclaimed:"Shut up!", Which made everything even clearer.

"So it is him!", Alex chuckled and Reid rolled with his eyes. "I mean, if you're into that sort of thing. ", she then added with a shrug.

"What, big muscular dudes?", Reid frowned up at her. 

"No, dick. Couldn't be me.", Alex replied sharply and this time Reid joined in with her laughter. She had missed his laugh so much.

"It doesn't matter anyways.", He then said once they had calmed down. "Nothing has changed. No, scratch that, everything has, for the worse. Not only is he still straight but he also sees me as a damaged mess now, plus, apparently I'm afraid of all men. "

"If that ain't a mood. Both the fear and the straight thing. The cute ones are always straight.", Alex sighed and Reid grinned up at her.

"Amen.", He mumbled and Alex bend over until her face was hovering right above his.

"Are you sure that you don't hate me?", She asked again.

" Yes, I'm positive. ", He nodded and Alex allowed herself a little bit of a relief, for now.

"Good. I don't know if I could take it if you hated me."


	10. 'Cause I'm a fucking mess sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit of a filler but it is necessary, I think. Also, I was super happy to see that you seem to like Alex. She won't be quite as present as Derek and JJ but still around a lot. 
> 
> Also, a warning for discussion of mental health, suicidal thoughts and an implied suicide attempt.

"So this is your apartment? Fuck, you have a lot of books. Did you read all of them?", Alex asked, staring up at Reid's bookcase wall. 

JJ had invited Alex and her mom to Reid's apartment and Morgan had tagged along. Right now Alex and Reid were talking in the living room and the rest of them had gathered in the kitchen, leaving the door open so that they could still see them.

"I can read 20000 words a minute, so yes.", Reid replied and Alex playfully shoved his his side by ramming her entire body against his.

"Are you a genius or something?", She chuckled.

"Maybe.", Reid shrugged before shoving right back. The difference was that he was over a head taller than her and when he shoved her she almost fell over. He caught her in time and they both started to laugh. Reid's laugh sounded different these days, scratchy and rough, but when he laughed at her it was genuine.

"You have a great daughter, Mrs Barron.", JJ commented with a smile, placing several cups of tea on the table. 

"Yes, she's the best.", Mrs Barron said with a soft smile. She looked a lot like Alex, just older and healthier, but she looked tired. Grey streaks ran through her dark hair and her eyes had shadows underneath them. This had to be hell for her, too.

"It's awful what happened to them. When Alex came back and when they couldn't find him...", She said before glancing out the door again. "I thought that that might break her entirely. Your call came at the right time. I haven't seen her this happy in... You know."

"Yeah. So far she's the only one Reid seems to connect with. ", JJ nodded before looking up at the door as it swung open further.

"Are you talking about us? ", Alex asked but she didn't seem annoyed by it. 

"Just gushing.", Mrs Barron said, smiling up at her daughter and Alex sat down in the chair next to her. 

"Reid, it's time for dinner. ", JJ announced, pulling out a chair for Reid, too.

"Haven't I eaten enough?", Reid mumbled, sitting down but JJ wouldn't budge, placing some oatmeal and a tea in front of Reid.

" You've only had 4 meals today.", She argued and Reid rolled with his eyes but started to eat anyways.

"Ahh hobbit meals.", Alex nodded with a knowing smile.

"Hobbit Meals?", Morgan wondered and Reid glanced up at him.

"Hobbits eat 7 times a day. ", He explained as if that was common knowledge before looking to Alex again. "How come you don't eat hobbit meals?" 

"Because I'm already past the hobbit phase. I'm not dangerously underweight anymore, just a little. ", Alex explained proudly.

She and Reid continued to quietly speak while the rest of them pretended to not hear them until Reid was done with his food and let out a huge yawn. It was only 7pm but Reid needed a lot of sleep right now.

"Someone is tired.", Alex grinned but Reid shook his head. 

"I'm not."he replied, too quickly to be honest. He sounded defensive, or maybe desperate.

"Hey, is okay, you're still recovering, your days will be shorter for a while.", Alex said, gently patting his arm. She was obviously talking from experience.

"I don't want to go to sleep.", He mumbled so quietly that Morgan almost didn't catch it. He looked to Alex and the girl cupped his face in her hands. Reid even leaned into her touch. Derek felt a twinge of jealousy in his chest but he suffocated that feeling as quickly as possible. This was good, it was a good thing that Reid could still find comfort in someone, even if it wasn't him.

"Hey, you need to rest. I'll still be here tomorrow. I promise.", Alex said quietly, getting right to the root of Reid's fear.

The other man let out a soft sigh before leaning his forehead against hers. "Okay. I guess I am pretty tired.", He admitted before sitting up straighter again and looking to JJ.

"I'll change your bandages and then you can go to bed. ", The blonde nodded, already getting the medical kit out of the kitchen cupboard.

"Bandages?", Alex asked, a frown on her face. 

"Yeah, the new buyer was really into torture. ", Reid explained, pulling a face as he got up but he stopped when Alex reached out to take his hand. 

"Want me to join you?", She asked softly and Reid smiled down at her.

"No, I'm good. ",He shrugged before stepping outside.

Alex' attention seemed to linger on the door for a while after Reid and JJ left.

"Alexandria-", Derek eventually asked and she turned back around to face him.

'You can call me Alex.", She said and Derek gave her a nod.

"Okay, Alex, we wanted to ask you for your advice. ", He started. He had discussed this with JJ. Alex probably knew best what Reid needed and how they could help him and Reid wasn't too keen on telling them himself.

"Yes?"

"Spencer is most comfortable with you and you might know best what he needs right now. How can we help?", Morgan then asked and Alex didn't seem surprised by the question.

She let out a low sigh, leaning back in her chair. Her expression turned serious.

"You'll have to be extremely patient with him. That's rule number one. Don't have any expectations regarding his recovery. Don't expect him to be like me in three months time. I'm already used to projecting my thoughts and feelings all the time, that's just what I'm like. I don't know how Reid used to be before this but... He doesn't like to address how he's feeling so he might keep this bottled up until it bursts out of him. Have you gotten him a therapist yet?"

Derek shook his head. They had a list of possible therapist that were close by but so far any attempts of talking to Reid about that had only ended in him promptly changing the topic. "Not yet, he's... avoiding the topic. ", He explained and Alex rolled with her eyes..

"Yeah, that sounds like him.", She mumbled, glancing down at her hands for a moment. "You need to get on that, though. Get him the best therapist that money can buy and then pray to God that he doesn't kill himself.", She then added and Derek couldn't help it, he flinched.

"Do you think he's at risk?", He asked, making an effort to keep his voice calm.

Alex sighed once more before chewing on her lip. She was looking for the right words. Derek already knew that whatever she'd say next, he wouldn't like it. "You shouldn't be asking me this. I'm literally a 21 year old art school drop out. All I know about the human psyche is based on my own issues and the things my therapist told me. But if you're asking for my absolutely biased opinion on if people like us are at a risk for suicide?" 

She took a shuddering breath before quickly pulling aside the sleeves of her sweater, revealing twin scars on both her wrists. The were long and thick, still pink, they couldn't be older than a month or two. Derek felt his heart drop. 

"Definitely. ", Alex said, quietly, before pulling her sleeves up again. Her mother gently rubbed her shoulder, a pained expression on her face.

Alex had glued her eyes to the table now. It was difficult to believe that she was only 21 when she looked like this. She seemed ancient, no 21 year old was supposed to carry that much pain in their eyes. "You see, you spend all this time trying to survive. And then you do and you come home and you just want things to go back to normal but they can't.", She then started to speak again, her voice steady but thick with emotion. She didn't lift her gaze up. "Not because things have changed but because you have. And you just want to be the same, you just want be normal and happy but you can't because to much happened to you. And the thing that kept you going, the fight for survival, isn't there anymore. You achieved your goal but now there is nothing left for you to do. You can't continue your old life but you don't need to focus on survival anymore so you feel like there is nothing left for you. " She glanced up at Derek and she seemed so sad and innocent at the same time. "You can't go back to being just you and you can't continue fighting so what is left?", She asked and it sounded like a genuine question. It was clear now that all her easy smiles and quippy remarks were just a front, that she was just as hurt as Reid, she was just better at hiding it.

"Recovery. You need to focus on recovering. ", Derek insisted and Alex gave him the most heartbreaking smile.

"Recovery doesn't seem possible.", She shrugged, still smiling and it hurt to see.   
"I know that it is but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like... Too much is wrong with you, too much is damaged and you can never be whole again.", She explained before blinking a few times, maybe trying to blink away tears.

"Add things like panic attacks, night terrors, depression, body horror and self loathing? Yeah, I think he's at risk. ", She then shrugged once she caught herself. Her eyes turned hard, determined, and they focused in on Derek. 

"Which is why he needs help. He needs a professional and he'll need you, but only if you're ready to dedicate yourself to him. He loves you, I know he does and if he starts relying on you and trusting you again and you disappoint him? It could be lethal for him and I'm not exaggerating here. You can't afford to be angry or frustrated with him, even if he tries to provoke you, which he will. You have to understand that he thinks that he's awful and that nobody could ever love him and he'll try to prove himself right. You have to prove him wrong. ", She explained, her voice like steal. It was clear as day that Alex loved Reid, unconditionally and Derek felt a deep rooted gratitude that Reid had a friend like her, watching out for him.

"Also, that shit you pulled at the office? Not good.", She clarified, her tone sharp. "Of course you'll talk about him when he isn't present but don't do it when he can hear you! You will only make him feel more like a freak. Don't treat him like he's fragile, even if he is, don't baby him, he hates that! Let him call the shots as much as possible and listen to the things he isn't saying. I know that this is a lot but you have to know what you're getting into, this will be hard, on all of you, and if you're not up for the task then get out now!"

"Never. I'm ready to do whatever it takes.", Derek replied, meaning every word. He maybe didn't know how severe Reid's issues were yet, but he knew that he was ready to give whatever it took to help him, he knew that JJ was the same and that the rest of their team was along for the ride, too. 

"Good.", Alex nodded, her expression softening a little. "Start by getting him a shrink. A good one. Also, encourage him to make decisions, even if it's difficult for him to grasp. I know that I hate it when people ask me what I want because 'wanting' has become a pretty foreign concept and expressing my needs feels like I'm doing something wrong and I wouldn't be surprised if he feels the same."

"JJ mentioned that he kind of... Just does what he's told.", Morgan nodded and he himself had noticed it, too. It's like Reid was only following orders.

"Yeah.", Alex sighed, seeming tired, too. "It might be pretty helpful when you need him to do something like eat but it isn't helping him built up his sense of agency, which, take it from, is just gone. He needs to feel in control, even if he will be uncomfortable with that for a while. I still am. ", She admitted. It was amazing how she could just talk about this. Her therapist had to love her, Derek tried to imagine Reid with a therapist and all that his mind came up with was Reid rattling down psychological statistics to pass the time. 

"Okay. I'm concerned about my presence in all this. I want to be here for him, more than anything but... I don't know if you have noticed but I'm..." Derek started to voice his other concern but he didn't need to finish his sentence.

"A big scary man. Yes, there would be literally no way that I wouldn't notice. ", Alex nodded. "I am terrified and I will mace you if you make a wrong move.", She then added and Derek wasn't sure if it was supposed to be a joke or not. Probably something inbetween.

"Exactly. I'm scared that I'll just... hinder him. That I'm too threatening. ", He admitted. 

For a moment Alex didn't say anything, she just watched him, looking him up and down.

"Reid cares an awful lot about you. ", She finally said before crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Is he scared? Yeah. But he's also really rational. He knows that he isn't really afraid of you. That you wouldn't hurt him . He just needs to get used to you again and he'll only do that if you are around. You're not helping anyone by avoiding him. He'll just think that you don't want to be around him. When you are spending time with him you just need to pay close attention to giving him the space he needs.", She explained and Derek nodded eagerly. He could do that, he would. Whatever Reid needed, he'd do it.

"That being said,", Alex went on, narrowing her eyes at Derek. "- if you hurt him, I won't care that you're his friend. I'm gonna hunt you down, cut your dick off and eat it. I've done it before, I'm not afraid to do it again.", She then said, a threatening edge to her tone and this time Derek knew that she wasn't kidding.

"Alex!", Mrs Barron exclaimed.

"Don't police my language. ", The girl simply shrugged.

"It's noted. ", Derek nodded, taking all her advice... And her threat to heart.

"Good.", She nodded and just like that he smile was back. "Now that we have talked about this and my primary motivation to be here is asleep, I think it's time to go back to the hotel. I might not look like I'm standing on death's door like our mutual friend, but I do rely on 10 hours of sleep. ", She then announced, already getting up. 

"Okay. How long do you plan to stay in Quantico?", He asked. It had turned out that Alex was from Pittsburgh which wasn't super far away but it still felt cruel to separate them again 

"For as long as possible...", Alex replied, looking to her mother like she was asking for permission. When her mother gave her an encouraging nod she looked back at Derek. "I need him...", She confessed with a shrug.

"I think he needs you, too. ", Derek returned and a bitter sweet smile appeared on Alex' face.

"Goodnight Derek. ", She then said and Derek got up to bring the two women to the door.

"Goodnight Alex, Mrs Barron.", He said, giving them a wave before they left.

"Did you ask her?", JJ asked, she had just appeared next to him.

"Yeah, it was a lot, but I like her, she's tough as nails.", He replied, turning towards JJ.

"I think you gotta be to survive something like this. ", JJ sighed and Derek couldn't agree more.


	11. When I can't breathe, I won't ask you to stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... I am in season 8 now. Today I watched the episode where Maeve died and it was very very sad, not gonna lie, it fucked me up big time.
> 
> Anyways, here is a new chapter, Derek and Spencer finally spend some time together, there is also a warning for nightmares, past abuse and body horror.

The next morning JJ called up Morgan because she needed to get some stuff from her place but she didn't want Reid to wake up by himself.

Morgan had taken a leave of absence at the FBI so he had no issue stepping in.

For the first hour everything was normal. Morgan was in the kitchen, making easily digestible breakfast. Then the screaming began.

Derek dropped what he was doing and sprinted off to the bedroom. He needed a moment to access the situation. The sheets on the bed where tangled around his legs but Reid wasn't laying down anymore he was sitting, curled up into a ball, arms covering his head. It took Derek a solid second to figure out that Reid wasn't even awake.

It was also a little difficult to concentrate based on the fact that he was still screaming. Gut wrenching screams, animalistic.

What was even more disturbing was when he tried to hold the screams back. His chest heaving, he'd bite his lips so hard that Derek feared that he'd draw blood. It never lasted long, a new wave of terror would roll over him and the screams would start again. 

Morgan needed to get him to wake up. He hesitated for a second, touching Reid wasn't the best of ideas, especially when he was in this state. Morgan remembered how Reid flinched away whenever he even got a little too close. But did he really have another choice?

He tried talking to him first. "Hey, Spence, Spencer! Wake up. ", He called out as gently as possible.

Reid stopped screaming, whimpering instead while his whole body trembled violently. Derek wasn't sure which one was worse.

Reid turned to one side, pressing his face into the mattress and digging his fingers into it. There he stayed, sobbing uncontrollably but also whispering something.

Morgan got a bit closer until he could make out the words. "I'll be good- please- I'll be good- Just make it stop-"

Morgan felt bile rise in his throat. Reid was begging for mercy. 

"Reid, hey, come on, it's just a dream, it's just-", Derek tried again but then he made the mistake of touching Reid. It was only a gentle hand on Reid's shoulder but Reid's eyes opened wide as he sat up so abruptly that he almost knocked his head against Derek's. His hand reached out and curled around Derek's throat before yanking him down towards the bed and flipping them around until Reid was straddling Morgan, his hand still clenching around his throat.

"MAKE IT STOP!", Reid screamed, his expression enraged and desperate, his eyes unseeing.

It's not that he was especially fast or strong. Reid was just 120 pounds of bones and skin. Morgan could've easily overpowered him but a mix of surprise and a fear of hurting him got him trapped in this situation.

"-Spence-", Morgan croaked out, keeping his hands open and in sight while trying not to panic. God, Reid was stronger than he looked.

Slowly the anger in Reid's face faded away and his eyes gained focus. Then he pulled his hand back as if he had burned himself. Horror took the place of anger.

"Oh god, Morgan...", Reid whispered as Derek started cough.

"Wow, you're stronger than you look.", Derek smirked but it didn't come out right with all the coughing and cracking.

Reid didn't get the humorous tone that Morgan was going for. He jumped off the bed and stumbled back into one corner of the room where he then curled up into a terrified, shivering ball. He looked like a spooked animal. "Oh no, no, no... I'm sorry. I'm sorry-", he whimpered over and over again, coming apart more and more as Morgan watched. 

"Hey, it's all good, I'm fine.", Morgan explained. He didn't try to move closer he didn't want Reid to feel trapped.

"I choked you...", Reid gasped out and he was pulling at his hair

"It's all good. I should've been more careful. I shouldn't have touched you.", Derek argued but Reid only seemed to get worse. He was trembling violently, his eyes clenched, tears streaking down his face.

"Still...", He spoke through gritted teeth.

"Hey, it's okay. I promise I'm fine. ", Derek tried, again and again, keeping his tone gentle and patient like Alex had told him to.

"I'm sorry, I'm a mess, I'm disgusting-", Reid whispered, starting to whip his head around. He was working himself into a panic attack and Morgan needed to stop him before he got that far.

"No, no you're not, Reid, you're-", he went on but then he got cut off by Reid's head whipping up and the anger bursting out once more.

"Don't lie to me! ", He screamed before switching back to the anxious mess he was only seconds ago. "Sorry... I didn't mean to yell. ", He whined breathlessly before his body got rocked by uncontrollable sobs once more.

"Reid...", Morgan pleaded but Reid didn't react.

"I'm sorry, I won't-", he whispered in between sobs.

"Reid.", Morgan repeated.

"I didn't mean to-"

"Reid. ", Morgan tried once more, his voice louder this time. Reid stilled, he didn't look at Morgan but he seemed to listen. "Look at me.",Morgan pleaded, his tone gentler again. Reid moved slowly, like every move was a struggle, he looked up at Morgan through the curtains of his hair, his eyes terrified.

"You had a nightmare and you freaked out which is okay. I'm not mad, and you did nothing wrong, and you're not disgusting.", Morgan explained slowly, trying to not show how freaked out he was.

Reid watched Morgan for a long time, not moving an inch. There was something primal about it that Morgan had never seen in Reid before, something wild, like Reid's fight or flight instinct was activated and he was observing the situation.

Then, finally, he lowered his hands, dropping them at his side's and uncurling until he looked like a marionette that was dropped in the corner, his strings cut. He lowered his head and let out a couple of shaky breathes.

"I- can I shower? I feel dirty.", He then asked quietly and Morgan's heart broke for him.

"You don't need to ask for permission.", He sighed but Reid only shrugged, slowly getting to his feet before disappearing in the bathroom.

"Yeah. Whatever.", Reid mumbled before closing the door.

~

"Get it together, you moron.", Reid whispered to himself. He was standing in the shower, completely undressed but he hadn't turned the water on yet. He was shaking too much.

"It's just a shower.", He whispered again, wrapping his arms tighter around himself. He really didn't want to do this but his skin was glazed with sweat, his hair was greasy and stringy. He felt vile and rotten and he needed to feel clean, or at least a little less dirty.

He turned the water on and he realized that he should've really checked the temperature first because it was ice cold and suddenly Reid wasn't in his bathroom anymore, he was hundreds of miles away in a dark room in the middle of nowhere and he was trapped.

_Noise, laughter, cackling, the dripping of water, he was freezing, hurting all over. A boot stepped on his head, pressing his face harder against the cold concrete floor. He could smell his own panic. It was all too much._

_" Not so chatty now? Huh, Sissy?", The Master grinned. More water, Reid was already drenched, naked, trembling from the cold and the agony._

_He heard the batons before he felt them, tried to brace himself, it was useless. He screamed into his gag until his voice broke-_

"I'm Spencer Reid. I'm 26 years old. They found me. I'm at home. I'm save.", Reid whispered to himself. He wasn't sure how he ended up kneeling on his bathroom floor, bend over and shivering uncontrollably, or how he even got out of the shower.

Thinking was hard, remembering was harder. It used to be so easy for him, remembering everything, nowadays he sometimes had to remind himself of his own name.

"I'm Spencer Reid.", He whispered, trying to convince himself. Not _Devil, Satan, Sissy, Pussy boy..._

"Spencer Reid."

The day he escaped, the day he made it to the hospital, he didn't feel like himself. Logically, he knew. He could've told them his name, age, social security number, his next of kin, he still knew his entire team's cell phone numbers by heart, but he couldn't, not really. He thought that he couldn't just go back to being Dr Spencer Reid. That person was dead and long gone. And even now he still had no idea who he was supposed to be now.

"I'm Spencer.", He finally whispered before slowly sitting up. He got to his feet, feeling like he was a thousand pounds heavy.

He took in the damage, his knees ached and they might bruise, so did his right elbow, he must've hit it against something on his way out of the shower. He was completely drenched and while his freaked out self hadn't thought to use shampoo his hair was wet enough that Reid considered it washed. He didn't feel any more clean but he also lacked any energy to try again.

He dried off before pulling on some underwear. Then he plopped down onto the toilet seat, reaching for the first aid kit that JJ had left in the bathroom.

He tore the bandages on his thighs off and had to force himself to look down and the thick parallel cuts and welts on his upper thighs. They were starting to heal and scab over but they would definitely scar.

"Kruger, you ass. ", Reid mumbled under his breath. Just because his body was already covered in scars didn't mean that Reid wanted to add to them. He took care of the wounds as well as possible, cleaning them before using the cream that JJ always spread on them before putting new bandaids on top.

When it came to taking care of his back Reid quickly ran into some problems. He already struggled to pull the bandaids off so he couldn't even begin to clean the wounds. So apparently Diaz had been right, he couldn't take care of himself. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Shit.", He whispered before dropping his head into his hand for a moment. He was pretty sure that JJ wasn't here, that he was alone with Morgan, or else it would've been her to wake him up, not Morgan. So he was the only one he could ask for help.

"Morgan?", Reid called out, his voice shaky. He was sort of hoping that Derek wouldn't hear him.

"Yes?", Morgan's muffled voice came from outside the door.

"I- I need your help. Can you come in?", Reid asked. He hated this, so god damn much.

"Are you sure?", Morgan asked.

_No._

"Yes." The door opened slowly and Morgan stepped in. Reid could tell that he was making an effort to keep his expression neutral. Reid had to look awful. His chest might not be too recently wounded but his skin was still covered in countless scars, some even pretty fresh, reminders of his time with Kruger who liked to tear into him psychologically and physically. Not to mention his ribs, shoulder- and collarbones that we're sticking through his skin grotesquely. He had to look like a horror show.

"I can't reach my back propperly. ", Reid explained before getting to his feet and turning around. He didn't mean to drag this out. Might as well grit his teeth and get through it.

"Reid..."Morgan breathed out and Reid wanted to disappear.

"Don't- don't mention it please.", He grunted and Morgan didn't. He stepped a little closer and took the supplies from the first aid kit.

"Okay. Is it okay if I touch you now?", He asked and Reid nodded quickly.

"Just get it over with. ", He said, his voice clipped. He needed this to be over.

To Morgan's credit, he worked quickly, efficiently, not saying another word. It stung but Reid had gone through much worse.

"All done. ", Morgan finally announced before disappearing to the bedroom and returning with a pile of fresh clothes that he handed to Reid. Once he did that he turned his back on Reid like he hadn't just seen him almost entirely naked.

Reid couldn't help it, he started to laugh. He couldn't tell if it was hollow, hysteric or bitter, just that it was wrong, like everything about him, and that he couldn't make it stop.

"What's so funny?", Morgan asked, his tone concerned but he still didn't turn around.

"Nothing. Literally nothing is funny, I don't know why I'm laughing. I'm sorry. ", Reid explained, still laughing. As he slowly calmed down he put the clothes on.

"Okay, I'm calm. And dressed.", He then said and Morgan turned around to face him again. His expression was neutral but only until Reid asked:"You saw the words, right?"

Master's Whore, carved into his lower back. The Master had said that it was supposed to remind everyone that had Reid after him of who broke him in the first place. The scars made sure that nobody would ever see Reid as more than a thing, a toy, a possession.

"Yes. ", Morgan sighed, his eyes dropping to the floor.

"JJ doesn't mention them, like pretending that they aren't there will make them go away.", Reid shrugged, burying his hands in the pockets of his sweats.

"Maybe she isn't sure if you know about them.", Morgan suggested and Reid let out a bitter smirk.

"Oh, I know of them.", He stated, walking past Morgan and entering his bedroom again. "The Master filmed a lot of our time together. Including the night he branded me. He made me watch the video afterwards. ", he explained. Reid wasn't sure why he was telling Morgan this, maybe, he was looking how much he could reveal until Morgan got scared away.

"Are you... repulsed by them?", he finally asked, turning around to face Morgan who was leaning in the door frame.

"I'm not, Reid. I could never be repulsed by you. ", Morgan then said with such conviction that Reid almost believed him, almost but not quite.

"Give it some time. ", he shrugged. Morgan watched him for a moment longer. It wasn't exactly comfortable but at least his eyes didn't rake over his body but focused on his face.

"Your hair has gotten longer. ", Morgan then pointed out and Reid instinctively reached for his hair, the damp curls almost reached his shoulders.

"Yeah, that usually happens when you don't cut it. ", he nodded. The Master liked Reid's hair long, liked him to look more feminine. It also helped that he could drag Reid by his hair.

"I was thinking about it.", He then said after a long moment of silence.

"About what?", Morgan asked, cocking his head to one side.

"Cutting it. Alex said something yesterday. About cutting her hair to reclaim her body. I don't know if it will change anything but I've been thinking about it.", He explained. It was a lie, he hadn't thought about it until now. Reid had gotten better at lying, it almost felt natural now. Sometimes he wasn't even sure why he was doing it.

"I bet JJ could cut your hair if you wanted. ", Morgan suggested with a careful smile. Reid decided to humor him.

"What? You aren't confident in your own ability to cut my hair?", Reid smirked, stroking his hair out of his face.

"If you want me to shave it, sure, but as you can see I don't have a lot of other hairstyles going for me. ", Morgan shrugged, a soft grin on his lips.

"No thanks, I think I already look cadaverous enough.", Reid pointed out, pictures of holocaust victims popping up in his head. With there skeletal bodies and shaved heads. He wouldn't look much different.

"You don't look cadaverous.", Morgan sighed, all humor gone without a trace and Reid couldn't help but to roll with his eyes. He wasn't interested in lies. He was well aware of the horrendous state of his own body. But Morgan dared to take a step closer, and he was staring at Reid so intently that Reid eventually looked up at him again and Morgan's expression was so achingly genuine that it tore Reid apart.

"You look sick, because you are, but you'll get better again, this isn't permanent. ", Morgan explained, slowly and carefully, like he was making sure that Reid processed every word he said and for a moment it worked, for a moment Reid wanted to believe Morgan so badly that he almost did.

But then he heard the front door of his apartment open and the sound of JJ's familiar steps on the wooden floor and the moment was over.

Reid turned on his heels and left the bathroom, leaving Morgan behind, too.


	12. You can't explain what's killing you inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay there's no major warning for this one. Also, I watched Entropy yesterday and Cat Adams could walk all over me and I'd thank her.

"It's weird being here. I didn't think I'd ever sit at my desk again.", Reid mumbled before slowly spinning on the office chair that used to be his. 

After JJ came back she made him eat breakfast and then explained the plan for the day. That they would go back to BAU, that the agents who investigated Alex' and now his case would meet them there and fill them in. They asked if he wanted to come or if he'd rather stay in but Reid decided to come along. He needed to know what happened after he was sold, what they knew and what they didn't.

"You were here yesterday.", Penelope pointed out. She was leaning against his desk and pretending to not stare at him like he would disappear any second.

"Yeah but I was so nervous that I didn't really register it.", He admitted.

"Because of Alexandria?", Penelope then asked with a smile. Reid was about to reply when Alex conveniently showed up besides them. 

"You summoned me?", She asked and Reid got out of his chair to wrap his arm around her.

"Alex!", He smiled and Alex leaned into his touch.

"Would it be ridiculous if I told you that I missed you?", She mumbled, burying her face in his chest.

"Not at all.", Reid replied tightening his embrace a little. They stayed like that for a while until she distanced herself a little. Just enough so that she could look at his face, cupping it with her hands. Her stare was observant, Reid felt a little like he was under a microscope.

"You look tired.", She finally concluded, pulling her eyebrows together into a frown. "Like you didn't sleep well."

"Did you ever see me rested?", Reid smirked and Alex rolled with her eyes but didn't back away.

"No but you look worse than yesterday.", She explained and Reid's smirk faded. 

"I had a nightmare.", He admitted and he felt Alex gently stroke his cheek with her thumb. He leaned into her soft touch. It's not like he didn't crave touch, he did. It just wasn't safe with anyone but her. Touch had become something violent and poisonous, the hands that came into contact with his skin always left bruises. Nobody was safe except for Alex. She was his only comfort. Logically he knew that he didn't need to think like that anymore. That he was safe. But safe didn't feel like a possibility anymore.

"About what?", Alex asked and Reid cringed. He didn't want to think- didn't want to go back to that place-

"Parties.", Reid spoke through gritted teeth, his voice strained. 

"Ah.", Alex nodded, understanding completely before laying her hand on his neck and pulling him down towards her until he was leaning on her, burying his face in her shoulder, holding onto her like a rock. God, he was so tired. He was exhausted in a way that couldn't be helped with sleep.

"Are you sure that you want to be here today?", She whispered near his ear and Reid nodded slowly.

"Yes. I want to know how the case is going. ", He replied which was true. He needed to know if they were anywhere near finding the Master or if he'd be out there forever. But he'd also rather curl up under a blanket in his apartment and never think again.

"Okay, then get ready.", Alex warned him and they seperated just in time to see Hotch approach them with the rest of the team and two men Reid didn't recognize. 

One was taller, maybe 6'2, he was fit but still on the slim side. His friend was shorter but also wider. Reid could see muscular arms hidden under the sleeves of his suit and he shivered. He couldn't help it, they screamed _DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!_

"Reid, how are you doing, are you ready for this?", Hotch asked, a careful smile on his lips. That was very unlike Hotch but Reid had already noticed that everyone treated him differently now. 

"Yes, I'm fine.", he nodded which was an obvious lie but whatever.

"Okay, then I'm handing this off to our colleagues from the office in Vegas. ", Hotch nodded, turning to the two strangers. 

"Hello Mr Reid-", the taller one greeted extending a hand that Reid didn't take, holding onto Alex' hand tighter instead.

"Doctor.", Morgan corrected and the tall one gave him a questioning look. "It's Dr Reid.", He insisted.

"Dr Reid.", The tall one repeated before continuing with what he was saying and finally taking his hand down. "I'm Agent Cameron and this is my partner Agent Keiran. We're from the human trafficking division. We were initially made aware of your case after Miss Barron's escape approximately 3 months ago."

They then turned to the two whiteboards the BAU had prepared for them. 

"We managed to arrest 5 men-", Agent Keiran explained while his partner hung up five mugshots. 

Reid recognised them all, he couldn't forget their faces if he tried. A shiver ran down his spine once the last picture was put up and he stared into the unforgiving eyes of one of his worst tormentors. 

"Skinny Penis", he mumbled under his breath but Alex heard him and bumped her shoulder against his, probably in an attempt to make him relax.

"Yeah, now I call him No-Dick-Nick.", She whispered back and Reid couldn't help but to smirk a little.

"Nick?", He questioned just before noticing the name tag on the photo. 

"Short for Nicolas Reynolds. That's his name.", Alex replied and Reid nodded numbly.

_Samuel Becker. Jason Lawrence. Seth Boris. Kyle Brown._

Those were the names of the other ones. There had been more but these five were the main ones. Reading their names was strange, it made them sound like humans, like people, and not the monsters they were in Reid's mind.

"They've all already received life sentences but if you were interested in pursuing legal action you could get financial compensation.", Agent Cameron explained and it took Reid a moment to realize that he was talking to him. He wasn't sure if the agents had said anything else so he just nodded.

"Fuck them.", Alex whispered beside him, squeezing his hand a little tighter. Reid could feel her shaking, this had to be just as difficult for her as it was for him. After all, her own escape was still pretty recent. 

"I already did.", Reid replied, so quietly that only she could hear, returning the favour of making her smirk and relax a fraction.

"What about the Master?", Reid then asked because it was the only thing he really cared about.

"We are still investigating him but his identity is still unknown.", Agent Keiran explained, his tone apologetic. Reid didn't care for his pity, though. All that his mind could focus on was that the Master was still out there, that they had no clue how to find him and that he could return at any time and reclaim Reid as his and Reid wouldn't be able to fight him, he was too _weak, pathetic, damaged-_

"You have 5 of his accomplices in custody and you can't figure out the guy's name?", Morgan asked, a pissed off edge to his tone that made Reid tense up.

"Morgan-", he mumbled but Morgan either didn't hear him or didn't care, probably the latter, nobody cared. Why would they?

"No, that's bullshit.", He snapped and this time Reid flinched. Morgan shouldn't talk out of turn like that, didn't he know that that would get him punished? 

"They won't talk, we've tried everything.", a man said. Reid didn't know the man, all he knew was that men were dangerous and Alex was by his side and she was strong but tiny and the dangerous men would break her.

"Let me into a room with one of them and I'll get them talking!" Morgan was angry. Reid wasn't sure if he was angry at him though. He didn't know what he did wrong but it had to be something. He was so _stupid, stupid, stupid-_

"You're obviously too personally involved in the case-", the tall man said and Reid had no idea what they were talking about anymore.

"Oh get out of my face.", Morgan spoke through gritted teeth and Reid wanted to be _gone, gone, gone-_

His vision got blurry, their voices all swam together into a sea of incomprehensible noise. Every once in a while he catch a few words but he couldn't focus, couldn't hold on to them. The only sound he could grasp on to was the beating of his own heart, quick and panicked.

_"Searched the premises for evidence-"_

_"No papertrail-"_

_"-used burner phones-"_

_"-paid in cash-"_

It was all hopeless. How could Reid even consider being save?

"Reid..."

He'd never be save, he didn't deserve to be.

"Reid?"

He was _bad, bad, bad,_ and had to be punished, he needed to be punished and then he needed to be numb, he couldn't-

"Reid!", Alex called out and Reid snapped out of it. Suddenly he was back at the BAU, with his friends and Alex and the agents and he wasn't sure what had just happened.

"What?", He asked simply, his throat felt tight when he spoke.

"Hey, are you with us?", Morgan asked a worried expression on his face. When Reid didn't reply he turned to the agents and Hotch. "I think we'll take 5."

Reid didn't notice people leaving only that they were a large group and suddenly only him, Alex, JJ and Morgan were left.

"I'm fine.", He stated but even he could tell that nobody was fooled by his lie.

"You were completely unresponsive.", JJ pointed out and Reid wanted to slap himself for allowing himself to be so vulnerable.

"I was in thought.", He argued but Alex wasn't taking any of his shit.

"You were shaking and crying- Don't bullshit me!", She snapped and Reid reached up to touch his cheek which was in fact damp. That explained his tight throat. Still, he didn't feel like admitting to how weak he had become so he let his gaze wander past Alex' face until it landed on one of the pictures that the agents had put up on the white boards.

"That's my blood there.", He then pointed out and they all followed his gaze to the whiteboards. Reid quickly made his way over to them, trying to put some distance between him and the group.

"What?", Morgan asked, his voice cracking.

"The red spot on the picture. That's my blood. ", Reid explained, pointing at a photograph that showed the large yard at the centre of the range. There was a dark brown stain on the ground and Reid knew exactly where it came from.

His eyes scanned the other pictures, the crime scenes, all the places where he was violated. His eyes finally stopped at a photograph of a tiny room with no window and barren walls and a single stained mattress at the center of it. The only picture that didn't make him feel like ripping his eyes out.

"And this used to be our room. Remember?", He asked Alex, pointing at it before looking back at her.

"Yeah, wait, where are the other pictures?", She asked before Morgan handed her a stack of photographs that the Agents must've brought along.

She quickly looked through all of them like she knew exactly what she was looking for, she must've seen the photos several times during the ongoing investigation.

Finally she seemed to find what she was looking for. A slight smile appeared on her lips as she pulled out one of the photographs and held it up. It was another picture of the room. This time they had taken out the mattress, so now the carvings on the wooden floor underneath were visible. 

_A & R were here_

"Here. Our Initials. I carved this into the floor under our mattress with a sharp stone I found. I wanted to leave some kind of mark, to...", Alex explained before her voice suddenly broke off.

Reid stepped over to her and took the picture from her, giving her his hand to hold instead. "To make sure that I knew that you were real. That we both were. Even when we'd be gone one day.", he finished for her. Sometimes, not often, he would doubt her existence, only when he was super high and sick and crazed out of his mind but still. There were moments where he couldn't believe that she was real, moments where he thought that his mind had made Alex up to make his life a little more bearable. 

"They never found it. ", Alex smiled up at him, real and alive and here. Not a ghost or a mirage.

"They did.", Reid said and he regretted it as soon as he said it. He didn't mean to admit that, he didn't mean to put that on her.

"What?", Alex breathed out, her smile dead and gone. Reid was so stupid.

"They found it, after you left. ", He admitted, not meeting her eyes and looking at the picture instead. He had misbehaved so they had taken away the mattress, that's when they saw it. 

"Reid-", Alex started, her tone miserable and guilty and Reid couldn't bare to look at her.

"It's okay.", He mumbled but Alex, because she was who she was, couldn't just drop the topic.

"No... What did he do to you?", She pleaded, stepping closer and trying to get him to look at her, cupping his face with her hands.

"It's nothing.", Reid replied with a shrug. Nothing but words carved into his back to parallel the words she carved into the wood. _To remind him of who he was now, who he'd always be._ That's what the Master had said, as if Reid would ever be able to forget what they made him.

"Tell me.", She pleaded but Reid knew he couldn't, that it would destroy her. 

"It's not important anymore.", He replied, shaking his head. 

"But I did this-", she argued, pointing at the picture that was still in Reid's hand. 

"And it gave us something... hopefull to focus on. Something for me to focus on when I was by myself. I wouldn't change it if I could. ", Reid replied and it was the truth. The scars on his body were countless, what were a couple more when he got a reminder of the existence of his only friend in exchange?

He could see Alex struggling with herself, this topic was definitely not off the table yet but for the moment she gave in. Instead of arguing she took the picture back and returned it to the stack. Reid watched her before looking up to see Morgan and JJ watching the two of them closely. 

"We're gonna find him. We're gonna find out who he is, take him out and make sure that he's punished. ", Morgan than stated and he sounded so sure of it that Reid was tempted to believe him. But he had spend months in the clutches of the Master, he had been his toy for longer than anyone else. If he had learned anything in the 10 months he spend with him, it's that this was his game and that he always won.

"If you say so. ", Reid shrugged and adverted his eyes just in time to see the agents approaching them again.

"Dr Reid? ", Agent Cameron asked carefully, like Reid could freak out at any second. Judging by the last 30 minutes, he could. That still didn't mean that Reid liked being treated like that.

"Yes?"

"We have a couple questions for you and then we'd be done for today. ", the agent explained and Reid nodded before looking to Alex. 

"Do you want me to come?", She asked, he didn't even have to mention it. 

"Is that okay?", He asked the agents who nodded so Reid and Alex followed them to the questioning room hand in hand.

~

Morgan watched Reid and Alex leave with the agents when Alex' mother suddenly appeared beside him. She and the rest of the team had rejoined their group.

"It makes you jealous doesn't it?", The older woman said, watching Reid and Alex, too.

"What?", Morgan asked, raising his eyebrows a little.

"Seeing how close he is with her when he can't stand your touch.", Mrs Barron stated, glancing at him. This caught him off guard because it hit the nail on it's head, even if Morgan didn't like admitting that, especially to himself. He must've given her a shocked expression because Mrs Barron immediately followed up her statement with a kind smile.

"Oh you can admit it, I feel the same. It might be selfish but we're only human.", She waved him off and Morgan relaxed a fraction. So this wasn't supposed to be a call out. That was... Comforting.

"I'm glad that he can still find comfort in someone. Even if it isn't us. ", Morgan stated. It was the same thing he told himself every time he felt his jealousy rise to the top and it usually did the trick of repressing those feelings.

"Of course I do, too. But it does hurt, to see my baby hurt and I can't comfort her the way I used to be able to. That I can't hold her after a panic attack or hug her after a nightmare. You must feel similarly.", Mrs Barron explained and Morgan was blown away by how openly she could talk about this. Maybe because she knew that Morgan felt exactly the same.

"I do.", He admitted, his voice thick with guilt. "Do you... Do you ever miss who she used to be? Not to say that you don't love your daughter now, but do you ever ... miss her?", he then asked and for a moment he feared that he had crossed a line. 

But Mrs Barron didn't seem upset, she gave him a thoughtful look and considered her reply for a moment. Then she said:"Of course. There's no shame in admitting that to yourself. At least that's what our family therapist said. The Alexandria that I used to know... That girl is gone. Not entirely but she's a completely different person now. She had to change to survive. Of course I'll grieve for the daughter I've lost. But that doesn't mean that I love who she is now any less. If anything I love her more. She's incredibly strong, much stronger than I could've imagined possible and through all that she kept her kind heart. She's an incredible woman and everyday that she gets up and fights another day I get prouder and prouder. But do I wish that all this hadn't happened? That we could've just stayed like all the other families that think that something like this could never happen to them? Of course. I think that's only human."

"I still feel guilty for feeling this way. ",Morgan stated and Mrs Barron gave him a sympathetic smile. 

"I get that. But you don't have to. There is nothing wrong with missing the friend that you lost. What you can't do, though, is expect him to be the same or be disappointed when he isn't.", she told him and that definitely made sense to Morgan. He didn't expect Reid to be the same, after everything he went through that would be impossible. Still, it hurt to see how haunted his friend was, how much of a shadow he had become.

"Does it ever get less? Missing who they used to be?", He asked and Mrs Barron's smile turned sad.

"Well, I've only been at it for 3 months, but so far? No. It's okay though. You'll learn to love who he is now and then it'll feel a little easier."

"I already love him.", Morgan said and he knew this to be true. Reid was his best friend, had been for years and there wasn't anything that could change that. "I always will."

"Does he know that?", Mrs Barron asked carefully and Morgan thought about it for a moment. About how Reid behaved this morning, like he was disgusting and a burden. As if he could ever be a burden to Morgan.

"I don't think he does.", Morgan realized. Morgan thought that Reid used to know, back before all this happened, but things were a lot different now. Reid didn't forget things so Morgan was sure that Reid knew that Morgan used to love him. The problem seemed to be that Reid now thought that he had turned into something unlovable. Something that canceled out how much Morgan card about him, which was bullshit. "And I don't think he'd believe me if I told him.", Morgan then added, glancing to Mrs Barron, indirectly asking for advice.

"Then you need to show him.", She replied simply. As if anything about this was simple.


	13. Thinking don't look down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so there's a big warning for discussion of suicidal thoughts in this but it's also one of the fluffiest chapters I've written so far. Enjoy!

After their visit to the BAU they returned to Reid's apartment and just like the day before Alex and her mother joined them and this time Reid agreed to invite the rest of their team, too. Only Hotch stayed behind because he still needed to get some work done with the Agents from Vegas.

In the end Reid's apartment was pretty full. Rossi had spontaneously decided to cook for them and Mrs Barron and JJ were helping him with that in the kitchen. Penelope and Emily were getting acquainted with Alex on the couch and the younger girl seemed to be enjoying their company. Reid had sat down in an armchair in one corner and hadn't moved since they got here, only watching them all silently. At first Derek was worried that it might be too much, that they were overwhelming him but then he noticed the smile. It was faint, only a shadow of a smile really but it was still there.

Derek spotted the epmty chess board on the table next to Reid and got an idea.

"Wanna play a game?", He asked as he sat down in the other chair.

Reid glanced over at him, raising an eyebrow. "You know how to play chess?", He asked, sounding genuinely surprised. He and Morgan had never played together, chess was more of a Reid and Gideon activity.

"Uhh? Yes? Just because we've never played doesn't mean that I don't know how to play. Give me some credit, pretty boy.", Derek smirked but that smirk dropped when Reid narrowed his eyes at him.

"You haven't called me that since I'm back.", Reid pointed out and Derek looked away guiltily. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry, it slipped out. ", he mumbled. He had mad a conscious effort to not call Reid that in fear of how he might react but he was still used to the nickname.

"Why did you stop?", Reid asked, not sounding accusatory or upset. He sounded completely neutral. At least until he headed straight back into self deprecation-town. "I mean- I can think of a couple of reasons, not to say that I was the image of beauty before but I am aware that I look like a fucking nightmare now, and-"

"Reid.", Morgan said, looking up at him again and effectively stopping his rambling.

"Yes?", Reid asked, his voice a little unsure.

"I didn't call you that because I didn't know if it might trigger you. ", Morgan replied honestly.

"Trigger me.", Reid repeated and there was something mocking about his tone. "No it doesn't. The Master didn't really use terms of endearment. He'd much rather degrade me with more obviously derogatory names.", He then explained simply and Derek was surprised how nonchalant he sounded when he did. 

"You don't look like a nightmare. Pretty Boy. ", Derek then insisted at which Reid only rolled with his eyes.

"Stop flattering me. I can't use an inflated ego right now. Now set up your pieces.", He stated before pulling out a box with chess pieces and handing Morgan the white ones.   
"I think I might be a little rusty.", Reid then added as he set up his side.

"Then I might actually have a chance.", Derek chuckled and Reid gave him a sharp look before grinning a little.

"Not that rusty.", He commented and Derek couldn't help but to smile.

"What about that inflated ego?", He asked playfully and even though Reid only shrugged in response,h smile didn't fade. 

Morgan made the first move, moving one of his pawns to F3 which made Reid snort before he quickly covered his smile with his hand. "Interesting. ", Reid said, sounding like he was holding back laughter.

"Interesting? Good or bad?", Morgan asked with raised eyebrows. He technically knew how to play chess but he hadn't actually done it in years. Had he already fucked it up?

"Unconventional. That's all I'm gonna say.", Reid chuckled and it was the best thing Derek heard in a while.

"Oh you're laughing at me?", Derek asked but he couldn't even pretend to be anything but delighted. 

"Never.", Reid replied, almost cheeky, before making his first play. 

For a while they played quietly, silent except for Reid's occasional snorts caused by Derek's 'unconventional' playing style.

"Can I ask you something?", Reid asked eventually, sounding thoughtful and hesitant.

"Yes, you always can, whatever it is.",Morgan replied, taking out on of Reid's pawns. 

"What happened to Gideon?", Reid asked, not looking up from the chess board. Morgan almost dropped the piece in his hand and he had to swallow before replying.

"Spencer-", he sighed. He knew that this question would come up at some point, that didn't mean that Morgan wanted to be the one to explain what happened to Reid.

"I noticed that he isn't part of the BAU anymore and that he didn't reach out. Did something... Happen?", Reid added, glancing up at Derek and he could see the fear in Reid's eyes.

"He's not dead if that's what you're thinking.", Derek quickly clarified and Reid let out a relieved sigh.

"I didn't want to be so blunt but that's what I assumed so that's a relief.", He admitted before making another move.

"Do you remember the case in Golconda? Do you remember Frank?", Derek asked and Reid raised his eyebrows and gave Derek a look that clearly said: 'Do you know who you're talking to?'

"Yes."

"Well, a couple of months after you were taken he came back and killed a friend of Gideon's. He just wasn't the same afterwards. When he returned to work we had this case. College girls getting murdered. In the end the unsub and several girls were dead and Gideon... he just broke. He disappeared, left a letter for the team and a letter for you and none of us heard from him since.", Derek explained. It had been a big loss for all of them at the time, especially after losing Reid, too. The pain was more muted now but for Reid it was completely fresh.

"He left me a letter?", Reid asked, not looking up from the chess board. His expression was unreadable. It was something that Derek had noticed about him. Reid's emotions either exploded out of him or he locked them away completely. There didn't seem to be much of an in between. Morgan figured that hiding how he was really feeling had become like self defense for him.

"Yes, for you specifically.", Morgan replied, moving one of his pieces, not really paying attention to how he was playing anymore.

"What does it say?", Reid asked, observing Morgan's play before taking out his rook.

"I don't know, we didn't read it. I think JJ put it away for when you came back. I'll tell her to get it for you-", Morgan suggested but Reid waved him off.

"Not right now, it can wait. I have to beat you first.", He smirked and Morgan raised an eyebrow before moving his knight. 

"We'll see who beats who, pretty boy."

"You know, it's really endearing how you kept everything the same, like you believed that I'd come back.", Reid said after another moment of silence as he let his eyes wander through his apartment.

"Because we did. ", Morgan insisted.

"I thought that you had given up on me, I thought everyone had. ", Reid admitted and the worst thing was that he didn't even sound hurt or disappointed. Morgan would've preferred that, he would've preferred anger and disappointment over apathy any day. But instead Reid sounded like he didn't care at all.

"I'm sorry, Reid, I'm sorry that we didn't-", Morgan started but Reid was already shaking his head.

"I don't blame you, I really don't. I gave up on myself, too.", He stated, matter of factly. He shrugged like he didn't just rip Morgan's heart out.

"Really?", Morgan whispered, his voice suddenly gone.

"Yeah, after Alex left. She was keeping me alive and without her... I didn't really see a point.", He admitted and when he said it it sounded so simple. Like this wasn't a tragedy.

"How did you survive? If you don't mind me asking." Derek was always afraid of stepping over a line. It was impossible to tell what Reid was ready to talk about and which topics were tabu because it seemed to change with his mood.

Had he asked him another time this might've ended the conversation but today Reid just leaned back in his chair, a bitter smile curling at his lips. "Funnily enough, by not trying to survive anymore. I stopped cooperating with the Master, I stopped giving him what he wanted. Did you know that he kept me longer than anyone else? Because I profiled him and I knew what he wanted and what would keep me interesting enough to keep alive, what would make me valuable enough to get me some privileges, like a seperate room with my friend and a mattress. But once Alex was gone I gave all that up. I thought he'd kill me. Instead he punished me a bunch and when I didn't start doing what he wanted again he sold me to someone that was even more sadistic but not nearly as organized. I didn't plan on an escape. But when the opportunity opened itself up I took it. ", He finished with a shrug and Morgan was pretty sure that he heard something resembling pride in Reid's voice.

"You are amazing!", Morgan whispered in awe and Reid played it off with an eye roll. That didn't hide his blush, though.

"I'm not.", He said, shaking his head but Morgan wasn't having it.

"Are you listening to yourself? You manipulated a sadistic psychopath to keep you alive for months! While he tortured you!", Morgan argued but he could tell that Reid wouldn't see with how impressive that was.

"If it weren't for Alex I would've died many times.", He pointed out, refusing to give himself even a little bit of credit. Morgan wasn't ready to drop the topic but he also knew that it wouldn't get anywhere right now. And besides, he had a more pressing concern. One that hadn't left his mind ever since Alex brought it up during their talk last night.

"Did you ever... Did you consider killing yourself? ", Morgan then asked, his tone hesitant and careful. Reid seemed more conversational in general but asking about this was still a big risk. Derek was prepared for an explosion, or for Reid to shut down completely but instead he just laughed. It was a joyless rattling sound and Morgan hated it.

"Yes, of course. I mean, it crossed my mind a couple of times. But I wasn't actively trying to end it. It was more like... 'I wish I could just slip away right now. I wish everything could end.' Like 'If I died right now I wouldn't mind.' You know?"

Derek didn't know. Even at his worst he had never preferred death over life, he had felt quite hopeless in his lifetime but never like this. And to see Reid laugh at it like this was normal was haunting. But Derek couldn't say that, couldn't risk making Reid feel bad for opening up to him.

"If you- if you ever feel like this now... Would you tell me?", Derek asked instead, his chest tight, his voice thick with emotion.

Reid's joyless smile faded and he returned his attention to the chess board, for a moment Morgan wasn't sure if Reid was thinking about his question or contemplating his next play. Then he glanced up and shrugged, an apologetic expression on his face. "I don't know, I'm sorry.", He said and as much as it hurt, at least he was being honest.

"It's okay. Just tell someone, even if it isn't me. Would you promise me that?" Morgan hoped that he wasn't asking to much. 

Reid chewed on his lip and let his gaze wander through the room, looking to his friends, his family. Then, so quietly that Morgan almost missed it, he said:"Yes." 

"Thank you.." Morgan nodded. They sat in silence for a while, both unsure what to say next. Surprisingly Reid broke the silence first.

"Morgan?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry to ruin this sweet moment you orchestrated here but I won.", He pointed out, a faint smile on his lips.

"What? Impossible!", Morgan exclaimed, looking down at the board in disbelief.

"Check mate.", Reid said, full on grinning now. "I could've actually won numerous of times but watching you play was just too amusing.", He then added and this time he was definitely teasing Derek. 

"And that's why we've never played chess before!", Derek exclaimed which made Reid fake-pout. 

"Does that mean that you're giving up now? Or are you up for a rematch?", He asked and he was definitely challenging Morgan. 

Morgan probably would've said yes to anything Reid asked of him but he still played hard to get and pretended to think on it before saying:" Okay, fine, but this time I'll actually try, so get ready. "

"Oh, I'm already trembling in fear."Reid smirked sarcastically, already resetting his side of the board.

For a moment Morgan just watched him. Reid, sitting across from him, making a joke and laughing at Morgan. He thought that he'd never get to see that again, so for a moment Derek just let himself have that. 


	14. Let the brokenness be felt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this one took a while but it is a little longer and I hope that you'll enjoy it!
> 
> Trigger Warning for a brief description of self harm. Not super detailed and also very short but it's there.

Hotch arrived at Reid's place in the late afternoon after a long meeting with the Vegas agents. To his surprise Reid was actually the one to open the door. 

The young man looked a lot better than when Hotch first saw him, not to say that he looked good. Every time Hotch saw him it startled him how much Reid had changed. 

"Hey, sorry that it took so long, I had some other things to take care of.", Hotch apologized, stepping inside. Reid stepped back automatically, keeping Hotch several feet away from him. But his expression was relaxed, he seemed to be in a good mood.

"It's all good. We saved you some pasta. David Rossi cooked pasta for me, I mean- I couldn't eat it but he cooked Pasta in my kitchen which is pretty exciting. ", Reid rambled, a faint smile on his lips, a star struck twinkle in his eyes and it hurt how much he resembled the old Reid in that moment.

"You seem cheery.", Hotch pointed out and Reid shrugged slightly before leading Hotch into the empty kitchen. The rest of the party seemed to have gathered in the living room.

"Beating Derek Morgan at chess half a dozen times will do that to you. ", Reid replied simply before grabbing a smoothie that was standing on the tableatable starting to drink it, leaning against the counter.

"I got you something. ", Hotch announced, reaching into the pocket of his pants and pulling out a phone that he placed on the counter, letting it slide over to Reid who caught it with his free hand.

"A new phone?", Reid asked, flipping it open. After his disappearance his phone had gone into evidence and Hotch didn't get the chance to get it back for him yet so he figured he'd just get him a new one.

"Yeah, and I already saved all our numbers in it. Alexandria's number is in there, too.", Hotch pointed out as Reid looked through the phone.

"Thank you... Really.", Reid then said, glancing up at Hotch with a nod. He let the phone disappear in the pockets of his pants before putting down his smoothie and wrapping his arms around his torso.

"So... How did your meeting with the Agents from Vegas go?", he then asked and Hotch could tell that Reid was trying to sound nonchalant but he was failing miserably.

"We came to an understanding. They don't mind us doing our own investigations in the case, whatever helps. They brought all the case files over for us. ", Hotch explained. Working this case wouldn't be easy, it never was when a case was so personal.

Reid looked down at the ground and he pulled his eyebrows together into frown. He started to chew on his lips and it seemed like he was struggling with something. Eventually he glanced up at Hotch before carefully asking:"Can I read them?"

 _Of course_. What else would it be but Reid's insatiable desire for knowledge. It was good to see that that hadn't changed. That didn't mean that he wanted Spencer to read through those files. If they were difficult to handle for Hotch, he couldn't imagine how they'd make Reid feel.

"Reid-", Hotch sighed but Reid wouldn't even let him argue. 

"Please. I want to- I want to know what happened, I want to understand and I can only do that by myself.", Reid pleaded, his voice shaky, his eyes glued to the floor.

"I don't know if you're ready.", Hotch admitted but Reid didn't take it well.

"Don't tell me what I can and can't handle.", He suddenly snapped, his tone agitated all of a sudden.

"I'm not, I'm just worried that-", Hotch tried again, even gentler this time but Reid wouldn't listen.

"I'm be fine. Will you give them to me?", He asked, his tone as sharp as his eyes, glaring at Hotch now. Hotch knew that this wasn't a good idea but he also couldn't say no. Not when Reid seemed so desperate.

"Fine.", He sighed and Reid nodded slightly, the tension in his body fading a bit but not completely. Apparently this wasn't all that he wanted to ask of Hotch.

"Can you keep it to yourself?", Reid then asked and Hotch really hated where this was going. In their field they couldn't afford to have secrets. They had to be able to trust each other.

"Reid.", Hotch objected but Reid gave him a pleading look and Hotch was painfully reminded that he had a heart.

"I just want some control- okay?", Reid spoke through gritted teeth and it looked like the statement caused him physical pain. He looked pained and broken and Hotch wasn't strong enough to refuse him anything. How could he, if all that Reid was asking of him was a little privacy and control over his own life after being denied that for months.

"Okay.", Hotch nodded and Reid gave him a grateful smile that somehow made Hotch feel dirty. He didn't deserve gratitude for showing Reid basic decency. He was about to say something when he heard His phone ringing in his pocket. He could imagine what this call ment and Hotch really didn't want to pick it up right now.

"Your phone is ringing.", Reid pointed out after Hotch ignored it for a few seconds and there was a knowing look in his eyes. Like he had already figured out what this was about.

Eventually Hotch gave in and pulled his phone out, picking up the call. "Agent Hotchner." The person on the other side of the line informed him of a case in New York involving a string of shootings. Their team was requested to assist. 

"Yes, we'll be on our way.", he replied before ending the call. He galnced up at Reid who already seemed to know that they'd have to leave.

"You have a case.", Reid stated, his tone calm and neutral, matter of fact. 

"Yes, I'm sorry.", Hotch nodded. He hated to interrupt this get together, especially on a day where Reid seemed to be doing so well.

"It's okay.", The younger man just nodded. Hotch knew that Reid would understand, still he wished that they didn't have to leave now. He returned Reid's nod and they made their way to the living where the rest of the team were gathered. They all looked up when Hotch stepped into the room and he didn't waste time on greetings. 

"Guys, we have a case. ", He announced and a unanimous groan rung out.

"Seriously? Can't we have this one night off?!", Garcia asked, her tone pleading, but just like the others she was already getting up to leave. They all knew that crime didn't stop for any of them.

"You know what it's like.", Hotch offered weakly and Garcia gave him an equally weak nod. 

Spencer stepped up Morgan and JJ, the same understanding expression on his face as before. "You two should go as well, I'll be fine.", He told them even though Hotch hadn't expected either of the two to join them. JJ wasn't even an agent anymore and Morgan was on a leave.

"No way, I'm on vacation. ", Morgan immediately argued.

"And I don't work for the FBI anymore.", JJ added quietly, like she was hoping that Reid wouldn't hear her. Apparently she hadn't told Reid about her quitting, yet. 

"What?!", Reid asked, genuinely shocked but Morgan quickly saved her. 

"Point is, we're not leaving.", He stated, giving Reid something else to focus on, for the moment. 

"Without the two of you half the team is missing, you should go Derek.", Reid argued, a deep frown etched into his face. 

"Spencer, I'm not-", Morgan started to object but just like before with Hotch, Reid wasn't having it.

"Please. I'll be fine. I don't want you to put your life on hold because of me. And if something went wrong on the mission and you weren't there to help I know that you would blame yourself. I don't want you to blame yourself because of me.", He insisted and apparently Hotch wasn't the only one that couldn't say no to Reid.

Morgan seemed to struggle with himself for a couple of seconds before finally giving in. "Okay, let's go.", He agreed, following the rest of the team to the door, leaving Reid behind with the Barrons and JJ.

"Be careful.", Reid called out before they could leave and while he seemed to address the whole team his eyes rested on Morgan. 

"Have you met me, pretty boy?", Morgan asked with a grin and a careful smile pulled at Reid's lips.

"Yes I have, that's exactly why I'm concerned.", he returned.

~

"Was your life always like this, that at any moment you'd have to drop everything to investigate a case?", Alex asked Reid eventually. The team left an hour or two ago. Things were quieter now. Reid didn't mind it. While he had enjoyed their company, that many people were exhausting. Now he felt like he could breathe a little easier.

"Yes, basically.", He nodded. He didn't tell her that he didn't have much of a life to drop. His job was all he used to have. Now he didn't even have that. 

"That's crazy. Didn't that drive you nuts?", Alex asked, looking up from her sketchbook where she was drawing something. She had mentioned that her therapist had told her to get back into art to feel more like herself again.

"Not as much as the sex trafficking ring did. ", Reid smirked and Alex rolled with her eyes. 

"Ba dum tzz.", She said, moving her hands like she was playing the drums. JJ and Mrs Barron were in the kitchen, they were by themselves so Reid didn't feel weird making jokes like this, he knew that she'd understand.

"What are you drawing?", He asked, putting down the book that he had pretended to read for the last couple of minutes while scanning the same sentence over and over again. Lately he couldn't bring himself to focus on books even thought it used to be the easiest thing in the world for him. It was frustrating to say the least. 

Alex looked up from her notebook again, chewing on the end of her pencil. "You.", She then replied and Reid had to stop himself from physically cringing. 

"Why would you do that?", He asked, pulling a face but Alex only rolled with her eyes.

"Okay, chill with the disgust. I've always wanted to draw you, but I didn't really get the chance before, now did I?", She shrugged as if that made any sense. Why would anyone want to capture Reid's image? He couldn't even bare to look at what he had become so why would Alex want to draw him?

"Alex, I know I'm... repulsive.", He sighed and he could tell that she was about to protest but Reid didn't give her the chance. "Maybe not to you because you're used to me being like this but... I can't even look at a mirror. I don't want to be drawn. ", He clarified and he could see Alex eyes glistening. God, how he hated making her cry.

"Reid...", She whispered and her tone made Reid's skin crawl. 

"Don't you dare pity me, that's against the rules.", He insisted, digging his fingers into his thighs. It was against the unwritten rules of their friendship. To always protect each other as best as they could without playing the martyr. To never blame or judge the other for what they did to survive. To have compassion and be there for one another without pity.

"It's not pity. I know what you feel like, I do. ", Alex explained and Reid knew that she wasn't lying. Still, he couldn't imagine what Alex could be disgusted with.

"But you're beautiful.", He whispered and a sad smile appeared on Alex' lips.

"You were and still are a hypocrite, Spencer Reid. ", She said and Reid couldn't do anything but shrug.

"I never argued you on that. ", He replied honestly.

For a moment Alex just watched him. Then she flipped her sketch book closed and put it aside. "Okay fine, I'll stop. Lean back.", She ordered and Reid did as he was told. Not because he felt like he had to, but because he trusted her. So he sprawled out on the couch. Alex got up from her armchair and limped over to him before laying down on to of him until her head was resting on his chest, tucked under his chin, one of her arms wrapped around his waist. She wasn't heavy, she was still a little too thin but if it had been anyone bigger or heavier Reid would've lost it immediately. But Alex? Alex' body against his was so familiar, it felt perfectly normal. They had lain like that hundreds of times, giving each other warmth and comfort when nothing else could.

"I hope you don't mind, I'm touch starved as fuck but I don't like people touching me, you feel me?", Alex asked him quietly and Reid nodded slowly. She never had to ask for permission. She had never done it before. Maybe they both needed to relearn the concept of consent.

"Yeah, I know what you mean, kind of. I was never super into the idea of physical contact because of the germs.", He explained and Alex chuckled which felt funny because Reid could feel her chest vibrating against his. 

"Germs? Really?", She asked and Reid could almost hear her smile.

"Yeah, now I have less of a problem with those but I hate people touching me even more.", He replied simply at which Alex hummed a little.

"Good thing that we're not people.", She stated and Reid knew what she ment. Not only were they not 'people' because that had been taken from them but they also weren't like 'other people' to each other, the rules of interacting with everyone else didn't apply to them. It's like they had their own little super sad club.

For a while they just stayed like this in silence, feeling their hearts beat in unison, a testimony to their survival.  
Alex traced little circles across the skin on Reid's hand and he let her because her fingers were gentle like feathers and tenderness like this was hard to come by. 

Suddenly her fingers stopped and she carefully pulled his sleeve up and Reid noticed to late that she must've seen one of the cuts on his wrist.

"What happened to your arm? Did you...", She asked quietly, taking care to keep her tone even and gentle. 

"Do this to myself?", He finished and she looked up from the cuts that were still so fresh that they had just started to close up. Her eyes met his and he could see how scared she was. He knew the fear in her eyes.

"Did you?", She asked, her voice faint.

"Yes.", He replied honestly, even though he didn't feel like it had really been him. He could remember the blood but not the pain. He could remember watching himself stumble along cold dark streets and slashing his skin everytime he made a turn but that hadn't been him. He had distanced himself from that. 

"Was it after you escaped?", Alex asked and Reid could tell how hard she was trying to conceal her emotions, to hide how much this was getting to her. He could still see it in her eyes. That familiar look she gave him so many times during their captivity, every time Reid wanted to quit and just die and her eyes begged him not to.

"It's not what you think. I wasn't... I didn't mean to kill myself. I did this to write down the directions to the house of my new owner when I escaped.", He explained but she didn't look any less concerned. She glanced down at his exposed wrist and let her fingers trace the cuts.

"Do they still hurt?", She asked before lightly pressing down on one. The pain was faint, more like tiny spark right underneath his skin and in a way Reid found it satisfying.

"They sting but in a way that's not unpleasant.", He admitted and she let go before carefully pulling up Reid's sleeve again.

"What happened to your leg?", Reid then asked because he had been meaning to for a while and now seemed like a good moment.

Alex didn't look at him, turning her face away as she laid down on his chest instead. "Will you tell me what the Master did to you after I left?", She asked in return and Reid rolled with his eyes. He knew that she'd bring it up sooner or later.

"Alex, I told you not to worry about it.", He repeated what he had already told her but of course that didn't convince Alex. She knew that the Master wouldn't have let him off easy.

"Well I still do, so spill the beans.", She ordered but Reid could also be stubborn when he wanted to be.

"I'm not talking about this.", He stated.

"Then I'm not talking about my leg.", Alex returned. 

"I'll just ask Garcia to look up your medical history to find out what happened.", Reid warned and Alex' head snapped up to look at him.

"Oh you wouldn't. You're not capable of being an asshole.", She argued and Reid shrugged.

"You shouldn't underestimate me. I've literally killed people in the past.", He pointed out and Alex' eyebrows drew together.

"Yeah but you're an FBI agent. It happens in your field, doesn't it?", She asked. Reid could still remember every man he killed. It weren't many. Two to be exact. Philip Dowd and George Kubler. One had been a single head shot to save a room full of hostages. The other 16 stab wounds, motivated by pure animalistic anger. Reid had given up on the idea of being a good person a long time ago but in this moment he had hardly even been human. In his mind he still wasn't.

"Yes but what I did to my new owner, that had nothing to do with my field. That was pure rage.", He admitted quietly. He didn't regret it, he didn't feel guilty, which scared him. He didn't want to know who he was when ending a life, any life, didn't phase him anymore.

"I think you're entitled to some rage after the things you've been through.", Alex replied quickly. She didn't sound bothered and Reid wondered if their blind trust in each other was unhealthy.

"If you say so. ", He hummed and Alex turned her head to look at him again. She watched him directly for long seconds while Reid studied the golden specks in her eyes. In his memory her eyes were black, they were so much brighter now.

"You're so different, you know?", Alex finally asked, a soft smile forwarding across her face.

Reid let out a deep sigh, lowering his eyes. "I feel like everyone thinks that. That I've changed so much. I know I have but it's still startling. Nobody seems to know me anymore, not even myself, not even you. ", He whispered and he hated himself for the crack in his voice, for how raw he sounded. He didn't recognize his face, his voice, his mind, he had turned into a stranger.

To his surprise Alex smirked before gently tracing his face with her fingers, lingering on his crucifix scar like it wasn't repulsive. "Don't be so dramatic. I still know you, you're just... Better now. ", She clarified and this time Reid was the one to laugh. But it wasn't sweet and gentle like Alex' smile. There was nothing sweet about him. He was all broken shards and sharp edges.

"In what way am I better? ", he asked because her statement was ridiculous. But Alex didn't laugh, didn't play into his bitterness. She was completely serious.

"Okay, it might not seem that way to you or your friends because you all knew who Spencer Reid was before he went through hell but I witnessed you at your lowest point, and even if you don't see it, you're getting better, you'll continue to get better. That's what I mean when I say that you're different. ", She explained and Reid believed that she was genuine. That didn't mean that what she said was true.

"I don't feel better. I feel like everything is too much.", He stated and it made him feel so hollow that he felt like there was nothing left of him in this empty shell he used to call his body.

But Alex, who was his friend for a reason, wasn't startled by his misery. She saw the emptiness in his eyes, the void staring at her, and stared right back. "That's because you feel everything now, and it would be too much for anyone, but especially for someone who's used to numbing the pain. "

"Do I hear concern in your voice?", Reid asked, the end of her statement had been softer, like a question.

"No, I trust you. If you say that you're not tempted, I believe you. ",Alex replied and Reid knew that he didn't deserve her trust, didn't deserve any of this.

"I'm not tempted. ", He replied and he couldn't tell if this was a lie or not. 

"Good. Tell me if you ever are. Okay?", Alex asked.

"Okay.", Reid said, knowing exactly that he wouldn't.


	15. We're gonna nuke each other up boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay... So first of all, sorry for falling off the face of the earth for a bit. I kinda hit a writing block with this story but I never planned on giving up on it. I just needed a little time away to work on some other things.
> 
> If there is any supernatural fans here, I started writing a criminal minds/ supernatural crossover in the meantime. 
> 
> But I'm back! And I definitely still have a lot planned for Reid, Morgan and the rest!
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and leave a comment!

"Morgan you're a sight for sore eyes. ", JJ greeted Morgan when she opened the door to Reid's apartment. Morgan had been gone for 3 days because of the bombing case in New York and JJ looked like she hadn't had a second of sleep in that time.

"Hey, is everything all right?", He asked, following her inside. He couldn't help but to worry that something was wrong with Reid. 

"It has been a rough couple of days. He's not doing well.", JJ admitted, leading him to the kitchen where she was currently in the process of cleaning up dishes. Alex' mother was present too and gave Morgan a polite wave. 

"What happened?", He asked, already making up several scenarios, one worse than the other.

"Nothing specific. People like us don't need excuses to shut down. Sometimes we just do.", Alex explained, she had stepped into the kitchen after him and Morgan hadn't even heard her. She used her one hand to support herself on her cane and held a bowl of soup in her other.

"Good to see that you're in good health.", She commented, maneuvering past Morgan to place the bowl on the table and let herself drop into one of the chairs. She looked about as exhausted as JJ did. 

"Yeah, it was a bit of a close call.", Morgan admitted even though he'd much rather talk about what was wrong with Reid. 

"Yeah, we heard, you drove off in a ambulance with a bomb?", J J asked, her tone accusing.

"Garcia told you?", Morgan figured and JJ nodded along. 

"Of course she did.", She then said in a tone that indicated that the topic wasn't done yet. Then she turned to Alex.   
"Did he eat at all?", She asked.

"No, he did not.", Alex sighed, tapping her fingers against the full bowl. 

So Reid wasn't eating. And he wasn't here. He had to be in a really dark place.  
"Can I- can I see him?", Morgan asked, uncertain. If it would have s bad effect he wouldn't do it but he also really wanted to check on Reid himself.

"I mean, I don't know if it'll help, but sure. ", Alex shrugged before handing him the bowl of Soup, a clear order to try to get him to eat.

"Just... Be patient with him. He's really not himself right now and I know that that can be a tough pill to swallow. ", She added and Morgan mentally braced himself before turning around and heading to Reid's bedroom.

When he opened the door he was met by darkness. The room was stuffy and all the curtains were drawn. "Reid?"  
Morgan's eyes needed a moment to adjust to the darkness. Then he could make out Reid curled up on his bad, his bank turned to the door, hiding under a blanket. 

"Spencer?", He asked quietly. Maybe he was asleep. But then Reid lifted his head slightly.

"Go away, Alex-", he replied, his voice barely above a whisper. 

"I'm not Alex, I'm Morgan.", Morgan returned, keeping his voice as gentle as possible. 

"Leave me alone.", Reid pleaded, sounding absolutely miserable and it broke Morgan's heart. 

"You need to eat, Reid.", Morgan insisted, placing the bowl on the night stand. He was already so god awfully thin. He couldn't skip out meals, no matter how depressed he was. His body simply couldn't afford it.

"Piss off.", He groaned, shifting slightly under the blanket. Morgan wished that he could just reach out and touch him, hold him in his arms and have it be comforting. He just wanted to make the hurting stop, but he couldn't.

"I'm just going to leave this here-", he said quietly but he didn't even get to finish because Reid suddenly sat up and turned around, grabbing the bowl and throwing it against the wall beside Morgan. All of that happened in a matter of seconds and before Morgan even knew what was going on there were shards flying everywhere.

"I said- PISS OFF!", Reid screamed but his rage dissolved just as quickly as it appeared. Once he realized what he had done the rage made way for horror. He looked at the broken pieces of the bowl, at the stain on the wall and then at Morgan and that's when the shaking started. "I'm sorry... I'm- I just- I need-", he whispered frantically, curling in on himself more and more, pulling at his hair. It was horrifying to watch.

"What do you need, Reid? What can we do to help?", Morgan pleaded but Reid only shook his head. 

"You can't- you can't help-", he gasped out and then a painful sob escaped him, rocking his entire body.

"Come on, just let me be there for you, just-", Morgan offered. He hated being powerless, hated seeing someone hurting and not doing anything about it, especially someone he loved.

"What do you want?!", Reid suddenly asked, his voice still raw and desperate but now it had an almost mocking quality to it and Morgan had no idea what was going on.

"What...?"

"What do you want from me, Derek?", Reid asked, glancing up at Morgan through his wild strands of hair. His voice sounded s little steadier but also sharper.

"Nothing- I just want to help-", Morgan stuttered but that was apparently the wrong answer. 

"Bullshit!", Spencer spat, as if he had waited for that answer. "People don't just care! People use until there is nothing left anymore! So whatever you want from me, I'm sorry to disappoint you but there is already nothing left of me!" It looked painful, the way he was screaming at Derek looked painful, like it was tearing Reid up inside. At least that's how Morgan felt watching him.

"Spencer... Hey... Spence... I don't want to use you... I'm your friend... I care about you-", Morgan tried to calm him down, keeping his distance and speaking in a soothing voice. He knew that Reid hated being coddled but right now it seemed necessary.

Reid deflated like a balloon, all that rage leaving his body until the only thing that was left was misery. "You're lying...", He whispered, sounding so incredibly hollow that it was startling. "You're lying, lying, lying- No- Nobody cares about me- Nobody-", he whispered over and over, curling up into a ball again, hiding under his blanket like before. 

"I'm so sorry-", Morgan whispered. He felt like he was only making things worse right now, so he turned on his heels and left the bedroom. Once he closed the door behind him he noticed Alex waiting for him in the hallway.

"I'm guessing it didn't go well?"

Was it that obvious? Morgan wiped his hand over his face and it came away damp. He hadn't noticed that he had started crying.

"What's wrong with him?", He asked her and an insulted frown appeared on Alex' face. 

"He got horribly abused for over a year, are you really surprised that he isn't doing all that well?", She spat, always ready to defend Reid. 

"Relax, I didn't mean it like that.", Morgan sighed, already regretting his word choice. "All I want to know is what's happening with him right now and how to help.", He added.

Alex glared at him for a moment longer before giving in. "It started out as a depressive episode and now he's lashing out. He's agitated, he doesn't sleep, he doesn't eat, which makes everything so much worse. I don't know if there is anything we can do until this passes, except to make sure that he doesn't hurt himself." 

"Have you... experienced something like this before?", Morgan asked carefully. It was obvious that the topic was a difficult one for Alex, too and Morgan hated that they had to rely on her as much as they did. She had barely even started her own recovery. But she was also their best chance at understanding Reid's current condition.

"Not with him, no. But my mom probably witnessed me in a similar state of mind. Sometimes I get... So angry and frustrated with myself and I can't think straight anymore. I'm just consumed with how much I hate everything that happened to me and how it has changed me and how I'll never be okay again and now I'm just messed up forever and when you feel like this is hard to imagine that anyone could care for you.", Alex explained and Morgan was a little startled by her honesty and by the frustration in her voice. Morgan constantly had to remind himself that just because Alex seemed more stable, didn't mean that she wasn't hurting just as much as Reid was. It was all still so fresh for both of them.

"You need to get him help. Like... Now. ", She then started but before Morgan could reply anything to that the door to Reid's bedroom between them was pulled open. 

"You want to send me away?", Reid asked. He looked like a ghost, standing there. Sweatpants and shirt hanging from his meager body, his hair standing up in all directions, his eyes as empty as his voice. 

"Reid- what- no!", Alex stuttered, genuinely shocked. 

"Sure. If you say so.", He snarled, turning around and walking back into his room. Morgan and Alex followed immediately, not willing to let this stand. Morgan was afraid that Reid would step into the broken shards on the floor but when they entered he saw that Reid had cleaned them up himself. They were all laying in one pile next to the door now. 

"Spencer, we're not sending you away, what are you talking about?", Derek started, keeping his tone steady. One of them had to stay calm and judging by Alex' shock it wouldn't be her.

Reid turned around and it was clear as day that he was pissed off. His mood swings were giving Morgan whiplash. 

"About 'getting help'. I know what that means. I'm a burden but I can't take care of myself. I'm fucked up beyond repair and you're done dealing with me now. You're carting me off to a facility.", He explained, sounding angry but also matter of fact. He really seemed to believe that.

"Reid, that's not what we were going to do- we just got you back!", Morgan argued but Alex looked downright horrified. 

"I'd never do that to you! You know that, right?", She asked and Morgan had never seen her quite so frantic.

"We were talking about getting you a therapist. ", Morgan explained, trying to be helpful but of course that blew up in their faces as well. 

"So you do think I'm crazy!", Reid smirked, taking their words and twisting them around to fit his self-loathing.

"Oh, so now everyone that goes to therapy is crazy?! You think I'm crazy, too?!", Alex snapped at him, now also offended and every chance of getting the situation under control was gone. Now they were both at each others throats.

"That's not what I'm saying, I'm telling you that I am-", Reid argued but Alex wouldn't even let him finish.

"Oh shut up!", She snapped but Reid just went on and on.

"Nobody can help me-"

"You're being a self pitying _piece of_ -"

"Guys, maybe we can all-", Morgan tried to stop their argument but apparently neither of them were interested in his involvement.

"Stay out of it!", They both snapped in unison and Morgan held up his hands in defence. Apparently they needed to fight this out now. _Cool_.

"I'm alive Alex, you can rest assured that I'm alive and go back to living your own life. I'm just gonna drag you down again.", Reid insisted and Alex looked completely baffled.

"Again? What are you talking about? When have you ever dragged me down?", she asked and Reid laughed at that. It was his hollow, humorless laugh, the one that Morgan hated so much.

"You're always taking care of me- keeping me alive, doesn't it exhaust you?!", He asked her and it sounded like an honest question. It was shocking to see how warped Reid's perception of reality was.

"It doesn't because you do the same for me!", Alex replied, not willing to back down from him.

"When have I ever helped you with anything?", Reid asked in that tone that people use when they think that you can't think of a reply anyways.

Alex had her reply ready, though. "When I came to the Master, completely clueless and terrified- you could've left me to my own devices but you didn't, you taught me how to stay alive, how to manipulate them, how to bend the rules to our advantage. I wouldn't have lasted a week without you.", She insisted, her tone determined and Morgan watched as the anger in Reid's face faded. His walls started to crumble and Morgan was once again jealous of how Alex managed to get through to him.

"And I wouldn't have lasted a year.", Reid admitted, the mocking tone gone from his voice. He sounded tired. They were both so tired.

"Stop pushing us away, stop pushing me away, please... I just want to help and I promise that's all that the others want, too. ", Alex tried to explain and it sounded like she was begging Reid to believe her 

For a long time they just stood there in silence. Reid looked from Alex to Morgan and then back at Alex, the expression on his face unreadable.

"Okay.", He finally said and the relief was so overwhelming that Alex even smiled a little. 

"Will you eat something now?", Morgan asked and Reid immediately rolled with his eyes.

"I'm not hungry. ", He argued but neither of them bought that.

"Liar. I'm gonna get you more soup.", Alex announced before immediately rushing to the kitchen, not leaving room for discussion. 

Morgan and Reid stood there in silence for a few more seconds and surprisingly Reid was the first one to speak. "This is gonna be embarrassing once I can bring up the energy to care. I'm sorry.", He said, looking to Morgan. As if he had anything to apologize for. As if any of that was his fault.

"It's okay.", Morgan quickly said.

"It's really not.", Reid waved him off, making his way back to his bed before sitting down at the edge of it, his eyes focused on the broken shards on the floor. Or maybe he was just staring into space " But I won't try to tell you that it won't happen again. "

"Alex said that this might happen.", Morgan said and Reid looked up at him.

"What?"

"That you'd lash out, that you'd try to push the boundaries of what we'll put up with.", Morgan explained and Reid eyebrows pulled together into a slight frown.

"And... Have I crossed a line?", He then asked and there was still a trace fear in his voice, no matter how much he tried to hide it.

"No. There is no line to cross. Reid, I'm not giving up on you. Under no circumstances.", Morgan replied, trying to reassure him but he didn't know if it was working. 

Reid stared at him, like he was analysing him, trying to figure out if Morgan was lying or not. He wasn't.

"We'll see about that.", Reid finally said before letting himself fall back into his bed. " Now please leave me alone.", He added and Morgan did as he was told. Reid probably had enough excitement for the day.


	16. Every stranger makes me feel safer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We got a therapy chapter, quick warning that I'm not a professional and that this chapter is based on online research and my own experiences with therapy.

_Bad idea, absolutely horrendous idea!_ Reid's mind was a single exclamation point the whole morning before his fist therapy session. 

After his argument with Alex he hadn't put up much of a fight when it came to agreeing to this but the closer it got the more he got the feeling that he was drowning. 

Talking about what happened was a big enough problem in of itself. Reid didn't talk about it. Not with anyone but Alex and even they tip toed around it with vague elusions and bitter humor. The only time Reid really talked about what had happened, he was being questioned and Reid was pretty sick of that. That wasn't even the most dreadful part of it, though. 

Reid was so much more terrified of what the therapist would say. What if she'd refuse to treat him? What if she told his friends that there was no saving him? That too much was wrong. That Reid would never truly get better.

It wasn't as much of a fear in Reid's mind. It was more of an assumption. But he knew that the others were hopeful. And the thought that they might loose faith in him, something he wasn't even sure of yet, but desperately craved... Reid wasn't sure if he could bare it. 

The other concern of course was that Reid was dramatizing his experience. He had this irrational thought that the therapist would listen to what he had to say and then call him out for being a wuss. That he should just get over it, some people had it so much worse. And after all, it's not like it wasn't his own fault. He brought this upon himself. He shouldn't have gone after Hankel by himself, he shouldn't have let the Master break him but he did, because Reid was a _worthless freak, a needy whore, a thing, a thing, a thing-_

"Is everything okay?", JJ asked and pulled Reid out of his thoughts. He was eating his second lunch of the day. After his depressive episode JJ was not willing to compromise on the whole hobbit-meals thing. Logically Reid knew that he had to eat, he had known it the entire time. But before he just couldn't bring up the energy or, as bad as it sounded, the basic will to live. And now... 

Now Reid stared down at the soup in front of him. It was thicker than usual, JJ had mashed the ingredients and even though the taste and color was entirely different, the consistency and how it felt on his tongue still reminded Reid so much of cum that he had to resist the urge to gag. 

He didn't tell JJ that, though. It would only upset her and Reid had been upsetting enough these last couple of days. 

"Yeah, of course.", he said before starting to eat his food. Every spoon was a struggle and at some point Reid caught himself slipping away. He didn't try to stop it, either. He could do this, he could go through the motions, do what was expected of him. Reid ate, he got dressed, he got in a car with JJ, his body was on autopilot.

The whole time his mind was trapped in an endless circle of taunts. _Hopeless, worthless,-_ "Reid?"

_broken, fucked up-_ "Reid?"

_whore_ , _freak, slut,_ "Are you with me?"

_toy, wuss, thingthingthing_ _ **THING.**_ "REID!"

Reid flinched slightly before looking to JJ who was facing him, her eyes worried. Reid caught himself thinking about how expressive her eyes were. How they gave too much away. JJ was at a disadvantage. She'd be easy to hurt. 

"Yes?", He asked as casually as he could manage and JJ's brows furrowed slightly. 

"You've been standing in front of the entrance for five minutes now. Is everything okay?", She asked, making a point to keep her tone calm. _So she was nervous, too._

"Everything is fantastic, except that you'll finally find out how screwed up I am! How often I've been taken apart and put back together all wrong. That I can't be fixed. And then you'll throw me away like everyone always does when a toy is broken!", Reid wanted to yell. Instead he shrugged slightly and walked past her through the door. 

Dr Seine was a specialist in trauma related to sex trafficking. She had worked with the FBI in the past and would therefore have a unique understanding for Reid's somewhat unique situation. And she was a woman. All of these factors made her their first choice for an appointment.

Of course his friends promised that they could switch if she didn't work out. Reid didn't mention that if things didn't work out, it was probably because Reid was too messed up. After all, Dr Seine was the best they could find. If she couldn't help the him, who could?

Reid found himself on a beige couch in the waiting area of Dr Seine's office. He couldn't stay put for long, though. Soon he got up and started pacing up and down in front of JJ. He could feel her eyes tracking him but he also couldn't stop. There was too much nervous energy in him that he needed to release somehow.

While he walked up and down the hallway he started to count the ceiling tiles. He was at 57 when his eyes suddenly came to rest on something in front of him 

He focused his eyes on a frame in front of him, it had no picture inside. Instead it had strings stretched between the two sides. Hanging from the strings, held by paperclips were little cards with words written on them. 

'Take what you need' it said above the frame and the cards said words like 'understanding' 'forgiveness''bravery'

Reid almost smirked. Where was the card saying 'agency', 'the ability to trust' , 'sanity'. Reid could use something like that.

Suddenly one of the doors opened and a woman stepped out. Reid wasn't sure what he had expected but it wasn't this. 

Dr Seine was tiny. 5'2 maybe, she had long strawberry blonde hair that was tied up in a messy bun. Her skin had an almost golden tone, like she was kissed by the sun and her big eyes had a piercing blue color. 

She looked like someone who spend a lot of time outside, gardening or something. Reid thought of the Greek goddess Demeter. 

"Hello Dr Reid, Ms Jareau, I'm Dr Seine.", she introduced herself with a bright smile and Reid was glad that she didn't offer a handshake. 

"Yes, I believe we talked on the phone.", JJ nodded and offered her hand instead which the woman accepted. 

"Okay, I'd prefer to talk to you by yourself at first, if that's okay. But if you'd prefer your friend to be present we can call her in as well. ", she then said and Reid took a second to realize that she was talking to him. 

"Sure. That's fine. ", he shrugged, looking to JJ. Then he forced his limbs to move again and followed Dr Seine into her office. 

The office was nice, not too clinical, homey. The Doctor offered Reid a seat on one of the two brown leather couches. They were comfortable, Reid still couldn't relax. 

“I do this whenever a patient brings company to a meeting,” the woman explains, “in case if there’s anything you don’t want to to discuss in front of your friend.”

“Oh.” Reid wasn't sure why he was so surprised. Technically he knew that people usually met their therapist by themselves. But as of late nobody ever let him do anything by himself. He couldn't be left to his own devices, even if he wanted. So it was a surprise to him when a stranger considered hid feelings. But other people's feelings were this womans job so she probably knew what she was doing. 

After the initial surprise Reid considered her question and found that he actually didn't want JJ with him. That realization left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. JJ was basically putting her life on hold for him and besides Alex she was the only person he could let remotely close to him. Reid knew that much. But now that he had made himself dependent on her he was terrified of scaring her off and hearing about who he was, what he had done, what was going on in his head... Reid knew that he couldn't be entirely honest in front of her. 

"I-I would prefer to talk to you by myself. If that's okay?", Reid asked quietly and Dr Seine gave him an encouraging nod. 

"If you feel more comfortable this way, that's no issue.", she added but Reid's guilt still gnawed at the back of his mind. 

"Anyways, Spencer. Can I call you that?"” she then asked and Reid gave a shaky nod. He could tell that things would get serious soon. "Would you mind telling me why you’re here? What would you like to improve through therapy?”, the therapist then asked, clasping her hands in her lap.

Reid was stunned. For a second he was tempted to just snap at her and tell her that he was only doing this so that his friends wouldn't send him away into a facility. Then again, Reid himself couldn't see the purpose in that. He was already here , he might as well try to get something out of it.

“So, I guess the primary reason that made my friends suggest therapy was that I have- like- kind of, recently escaped a sex trafficking ring? And... It's only been about two weeks but... they can all tell that... That I'm pretty messed up now. I can't really trust any of them anymore... I absolutely hate being touched. I- I am quite moody. I have trouble taking care of myself. Sometimes I can't get out of bed. Sometimes I can't differentiate between the past and the present. I get flashbacks and nightmares- I'm really- really afraid of everything and... Paranoid- ” Reid took a sharp breath. This waterfall of words just broke out of him without his consent. But there was no taking it back now. 

“That's awful,” Dr Seine stated. Reid heard her, like he heard everyone else who had told him that. The young man wasn't sure how he felt. He nodded uncomfortably, releasing a heavy breath.

“So what I'm getting out of this is that you want to learn to trust people, confront your adversity to touch, learn to take care of yourself and also find a way to cope with your flashbacks and nightmares?”, the woman then calmly summarised. It somehow sounded like such a short list while also being incredibly daunting.

"Sure. That'd be neat.", Reid shrugged awkwardly. He couldn't help but to feel discouraged right away. _So fucking messed up._

Dr Seine narrowed her eyes slightly before suddenly changing the topic:“Let me start by explaining my approach when I have a patient who has been traumatized. Would that be okay?”

Reid shrugged and the Doctor seemed to interpret it as a yes.

“ I usually approach my patients treatment with a combination of methods. I'll try to help you process and understand your trauma and the feelings associated with it. There is a reason you react the way you do. It's because of triggers. Locations, people, sounds, even smells and taste can remind you of your trauma and trigger flashbacks and such.", the Doctor explained calmly. 

"Aha.", Reid only mumbled, thinking Dr Seine's words over. The issues was this: Reid already knew a whole lot about psychology. He had a bachelor's degree in it. So a lot of this wasn't news to him. He knew how much severe trauma could affect a person, how seemingly unrelated things could be triggers, how trauma could chance everything. But that somehow didn't help him understand himself any better.

"Most people don't realize that but that's a natural reaction to trauma.", the doctor continued and Reid leaned forward in her seat, resting his elbows on his knees and staring at the floor. He was resisting the urge to start rocking in his seat.

"I-I know that.", Reid confessed and sighed softly. The young man didn't know what to think of this. Hearing that his feelings and behavior were justified wasn't necessarily a surprise and it didn't bring him any relief either. He knew what was wrong with him, that was the issue. From a rational standpoint he perfectly understood what was going on but he still couldn't stop it. He couldn't logic his way out of this situation because his mind didn't seem to care for rationality much anymore.

"That's not surprising by your impressive career. But understanding it is only the first step. If you're open to it I'll try to teach you methods to cope with your triggers so that they won't have such a great impact on your life anymore. ", Dr Seine returned and Reid focused on her hands, clasped together in her lap. 

"Okay.", he nodded slightly, not looking up. 

"Great. I know a bit about your situation from talking to your friend-", the woman started and Reid couldn't hold back the groan. _Of course JJ told her-_

"What did she tell you?", Reid asked, his tone sharper than intended.

"Just that you have been missing for a while and returned a couple of days ago.", Seine replied calmly and Reid let go of some of the pent up tension in his body

Reid wasn't exactly sure where to start, he'd never verbally told someone her whole story all at once. His team got the majority of it once they had found him but with them he didn't have to talk about Hankel or Kruger much. They were more interested in the Master. He couldn't be sure but he felt like Dr Seine might be more interested in Reid. That was a first. 

"Okay. Thirteen months ago I was on a case when I got kidnapped by an unsub with dissociative identity disorder. His name was Tobias Hankel and he had three personalities. One was his sadistic father, the other was a an angelic persona named Raphael, the third was just Tobias. He was the first one to-", Reid's breath hitched when the face of Tobias appeared in his mind, bringing back countless agonizing memories that Reid would rather not be confronted with.

"Hankel didn't... Use me like this... Or at least the father didn't... He just tortured... He thought that I was possessed. He punished me for my sins... But Tobias- he wanted to help- he was weirdly gentle, he'd take care of me and- he'd drug me so that I wouldn't- so that I didn't- ", Reid's voice started to quiver and he pressed his lips together, breathing slowly. He wasn't sure why this was happening now. Reid didn't plan on talking about this, not to some stranger. And he hadn't expected to break down over Hankel either. He had disconnected himself from that time, it was nowhere near as scarring as what came after, or at least Reid had thought so. 

"Take your time.", Dr Seine said gently. Reid nodded shakily, wrapping his arms around his body and continuing to stare at the floor until his heart stopped pounding against his ribcage.

"It- it went on for a few weeks until Tobias took too much Dilaudid once. He overdosed. I couldn't escape, he had me chained up, after a while I passed out. Someone else found me though. I don't know who it was but they brought me to- ", he continued until his voice broke off. Bitterness and shame burned in his chest. "- this man that only was referred to as the master. He was the head of a sex trafficking ring and I spend ten months as- as his plaything until he sold me off to a different man that I eventually managed to escape from.", he then added, glossing over most of what happened after Hankel. He couldn't talk about this, not immediately, not like this, with his heart in his throat and his hands shaking uncontrollably. It was simply too much.

Dr Seine waited until Reid got his breathing under control again. “I’m so sorry you had to experience all that.”, she then spoke, her voice gentle and soothing.

Reid shrugged uncomfortably, still refusing to look at the doctor.

“What you went through was terrible, and the way you're feeling is completely expected after such severe trauma.”, the woman continued, still keeping up that careful demeanor of hers.

Reid didn't quite register her words at first. The young man had half assumed that the doctor would feel sorry for him but brush her off as a too severe case or something like that.

Her genuinity and acceptance , it was mainly a source of confusion to Reid. He was confused about how he was supposed to feel. "O-kay.", he nodded slowly, finally looking up at the doctor. The drained feeling, the numbness was back, he could feel his mind checking out again. He couldn't process her kindness so he was shutting down.

“We’re almost out of time and I’ve got another patient coming in after this,” Dr Seine then explained, sounding apologetic. “Would you like to make another appointment? I'd really like to work with you on working through these feelings and processing the trauma in a way that helps you get better control over your life ”

“Okay- okay.” Reid mumbled because that's what was expected of him, right? He suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to curl up and sleep, lay down and not get up for a long time. This was exhausting and he wanted it to be over. 

“Does this time next week work for you?” When Reid nodded, she wrote her into her notebook, and Reid mostly checked out after that. 

Next thing he knew he was in the hallway with JJ again. "So how did it go?", the young woman asked, trying and failing to hide her nerves. _Expressive eyes. Disadvantage._

"I don't know. I feel drained. Kind of just want to sleep.", Reid shrugged and JJ gave him this sad look that made his chest tighten a little. Like she was thinking. Not again. Reid felt the need to tell her that he was just tired, that he wasn't having another depressive episode. Then again, he didn't know if that was true. He didn't understand anything about himself anymore. He didn't know his own warning signs.

"But I made another appointment so I guess that's a good sign?", he offered instead. Reid even tried to smile but he was pretty sure that he failed miserably. It seemed to be enough for JJ, though, so it had to be okay. It had to be enough. Reid just didn't have anything else to offer anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Leave a comment with your thoughts, nothing motivates me more than hearing from you! 
> 
> If you wanna hit me up, I'm @dead_cherry_bitch on insta and dead-cherry-bitch on Tumblr.


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